to think it's unusual to start co-sleeping when your child is 9?

[mendimoo]

My DN is 9 and co-slept with her mum (my sister) until she was 2. Her dad worked away Mon-Fri and was often out/in the spare room at weekends and they separated when she was 18 months old. EXBIL was very abusive to my sister and had very little to do with DN. To be fair to him, he has maintained contact but also he has said it's so he can keep tabs on my sister and disrupt her life.

ExBIL has had a new partner for three years. For the past six months or so, when DN visits at weekends/in holidays, his GF sleeps in DNs room and DN sleeps with her dad. My sister is not happy with it as ExBIL is a heavy drinker and has sleep apnoea - DN is always completely shattered after contact and my sister thinks she'd get far better sleep in her own room.

She also thinks it's inappropriate as DN is beginning puberty and thinks she needs privacy. If he'd always co-slept and it was a difficult habit to break then fair enough, but to start it at her age seems strange in my sisters opinion. She always worries that he's Similarly abusive to his new partner and could be using their DD as a pawn in a game as not many partners would be keen on being kicked out of their bedroom for their stepchild.

I'm torn. I co-sleep with my 7 year old often but then I always have done. What do you think?

Very very strange to start at that age IMO.

DSD is 10 at the moment and the idea I would sleep on the sofa so she could sleep with DH is just ridiculous. I have however done this once, but the chld was ill (very ill actually) and it was best all round. I wouldn't have an issue at all in that situation, puberty or no puberty...hell I still want my dad when I am ill and I am 29 (though tbf I have emetophobia...so am not entirely rational when ill)

He has a history of abuse, the sleeping situation does not appear to be of any benefit to the child.

Sounds very much like an adult using a child as a crutch for their own emotional needs, that is a form of abuse

DN wouldn't feel brave enough to refuse to sleep in his bed.

This also needs to be addressed.

It seems to me there are a couple of issues here. If he is drinking heavily and has an abusive personality, should DN even be there? If DN cannot get a good night's sleep, which she needs in order to be able to grow, co-sleeping is inappropriate for that reason. If DN feels uncomfortable about sleeping in with her Dad, co-sleeping should definitely stop.

Has your sister spoken with your DN to ask her whether she is frightened, uncomfortable, feels unsafe, etc? If she hasn't, maybe she should.

Court don't see drinking as a problem because his partner is always there and doesn't drink

My sister tries speaking to DN but DN mostly shuts it down.

Blacksheep - DN is really outspoken with us and so strong minded but she comes back from ExBILs saying she did X (something she'd absolutely point blank refuse to do at home - like eat carrots or watch her mum do a hobby) because she had no choice. She exercises her freedom of choice at home very well so the supposed change is strange.

I thought she was in a room with another male 5 years older than her (according to one of your other threads.)

I used to sometimes sleep in my dad's bed from the age of 10 til about 12 even though I hadn't co-slept before then.

After my parent's separated, I went to live with my dad and as it was a troubling time for me I would find comfort in sleeping in my dad's bed.

My mum told social services who came round and spoke to me but nothing went further. I remember my dad trying to talk to me about it, saying my mum thought it was 'unhealthy' for me to sleep with him, and I remember thinking "unhealthy? How can sharing my dad's bed affect my health?" I really had no idea what this meant at all and my dad didn't have the heart to tell me or to send me back to my own bed.

I am horrified to think that so many people assume this would make my dad a paedophile.

My sister presumed wrong because DN spoke about the boy and then 'him snoring' in the same sentence but it turns out it was her dad she was sharing with.

My DN hasn't sought comfort though caked. She doesn't remember them being in a relationship and sleeps fine alone at home.

Mendimoo, I am very concerned for your DN. I hope that nothing is going on that shouldn't be. However, I have been in a very very similar situation. My Dad explained to me how very important it was not to upset my Mum, and I was unable to open up to her. I just couldn't. I avoided any talk of what happened when she was at work, and if she hadn't come home early one day I have no idea how long it would have continued. Any change in behavior etc could be an indication that something could be wrong. I sincerely hope that it is just his snoring that is keeping her awake.

Just really to put the cat amongst the pigeons so to speak....

If I didn't live with my DS and he stayed a night or two at mine I'd probably like him to sleep in my bed.

Doesn't make me a paedophile.

If you're concerned op - as you know the child and adult then I would contact the authorities.

Because they gave previously been to court, DN worries about what she tells her mum in case it means court again so I think that could be affecting her honesty.

Though I do agree with reactive if your Dan is uncomfortable with it then it should stop

If I didn't see my DS as often as I'd like I'd a) try and seem him more and b) make every effort to make our time together enjoyable. ExBIL has never sought more than alternate weekend contact and makes little effort to do anything would like to do during the day and continues to Co sleep knowing DN isn't sleeping at night

That's not what you stated in your other thread!
You said the father confirmed it!
I'll leave it though before this gets deleted for troll hunting

If DN is unhappy and uncomfortable about then it should absolutely come to an end

That's all that needs to be said. There is a lot more that could be said but on it's own it's enough.

He was being a goady twat to my sister as usual, Scarlet.

I have no problem with children sharing beds with adults, parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles etc. I did as a child & have NO issue with it.

However...

• history of abuse
• started bed sharing after puberty started
• started sharing at the 'typical' age abuse starts
• lots of flimsy reasons she 'needs' to share with him

Mainly - NOT instigated by the child.

• Child isn't comfortable with it or with saying so.

Me. I'd stop the overnights. I'd get either a professional or someone like you to talk to her - it's often difficult to talk to a parent about things like this, but even more so when there's already the tension of the parents being separated. Someone needs to find out if she has been abused.

Warning signs in children and adolescents of possible child sexual abuse

Children often show us rather than tell us that something is upsetting them. There may be many reasons for changes in their behaviour, but if we notice a combination of worrying signs it may be time to call for help or advice.

What to watch out for in children:

Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
Nightmares, sleeping problems
Becoming withdrawn or very clingy
Becoming unusually secretive
Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure
Regressing to younger behaviours, e.g. bedwetting
Unaccountable fear of particular places or people
Outburst of anger
Changes in eating habits
New adult words for body parts and no obvious source
Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts
Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities)
Physical signs, such as, unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy
Running away
Not wanting to be alone with a particular child or young person
Any one sign doesn't mean that a child was or is being sexually abused, but the presence of several suggests that you should begin to ask questions and consider seeking help. Keep in mind that some of these signs can emerge at other times of stress such as:

During a divorce
Death of a family member or pet
Problems at school or with friends
Other anxiety-inducing or traumatic events
Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare, however, if you see these signs, take your child to a doctor. Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

My sister called NSPCC helpline for advice this morning and they said it is a problem if DN is uncomfortable with it. But seeing as DN is wary of saying anything at all about her father, I am not sure she would admit that - and certainly not to him.

I'm sure there are times and situations where this is normal - but from your post this sounds really creepy. I would want it stopped! As some other posters have said, abuse often happens in the home, and is committed by relatives, not random strangers - given his abusive history I'd say she's at some risk. Given me the shivers.