Aibu to be upset over something that happened 20 years ago?

[Glittered]

so basically when I was 14 my mom and dad split up, my mom left me with my dad. She moved into a place of her own then 6 months later she moved in with a friend....a male work friend...then 1 year after that they married.
I've always wanted to believe in some magical fairy tale world where my mom loved me and really wanted to be with me but her and my dad weren't happy and she had to leave and this marriage just happened by chance. Through my life I've always put my mom on some pedestal by seeking her advice and approvel and just wanting a normal mom/daughter relationship with her where we go shopping or for lunch etc. she's always had a high flying job and work always came first for her. Iv always had 'oh sorry I'm too busy I've got a meeting to prepare for etc' or I'd just phone to say hi and the call would last 5 mins if that as she always had to go coz she's busy or dogs need feeding.
Now the man she married and is still married to is a complete nob! He has black moods where he won't speak to my mom for 3 months at a time and it's just a horrible atmosphere. Yet she's mad about him, it's embarrassing really she's like a 12 yr old at a take that concert.
For the record my dad isn't a bad person and certainly never treated my mom how that dickhead does, my dads just a bit well...boring but has always been a constant in my life, always been there for me. My dad is now happily married again and I love that he found happiness again.
My mom on the other hand is not happy, she's 60 now, I think she drinks a lot, she obsesses over my step dad and tells people what to do all the time and gets pissed off when they won't do as she says.
So anyway fast forward I now have 2 dds of my own, oldest is 4 and youngest 3 months. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or what but since I had dd2 I can't help but be angry that my mom left me at 14 yrs old for another man. I couldn't and wouldn't ever leave mine for anything! Now I have kids she suddenly wants to do all the mom/daughter stuff I've always craved but I'm over it. I'm focused on my girls and feel she can go lie in the bed she made. Of course I realise she had an affair but she would swear blind she didn't. I just feel pissed at her. Dp says I should let sleeping dogs lie but this plays on my mind a fair bit. So Aibu?

I can believe you're younger than OP Gruffalo.

OP, putting aside how your parents relationship ended, your mum has been unreliable and selfish throughout your childhood and from the sounds of it has not changed now your an adult. Her parenting advice sounds poor, unsurprisingly given how Little parenting she did. She is still flouncing, crying and being a drama queen, but honestly OP you owe her nothing. I think counselling and trying to detach from her would be good for you. Concentrate on the people in your life who are worth it, your immediate family and your dad. Incidentally it's incredibly normal to be examining these feelings as you become a parent yourself.

Why's that Didiusfalco?

No not crazy OP. My mum abandoned me at 16 (just before GCSEs btw) to chase after her cheating twat of a husband who thought nothing of beating me.

I'm still furious with her 15 years later. Had she stayed and provided me with a secure home I think my life would've moved on a more even course.

Gruffalomother, I'm afraid I agree that you have missed the point here, the parents split up and the mother left. Yes, that is their relationship, but the mother did not support or maintain a good relationship with her teenage daughter. Despite the girl being desperate for this, the mother turned her away time and again, not just during the trauma of the split but for the next 20 years. That is not the distant past,it is basically the op's entire adult life which has been overshadowed by seeking her mother's love and approval. I find it very hard to see how anybody would not feel abandoned, rejected and left by their mother in the situation described.
Op, I agree with the counselling suggestion to help you come to terms with it all. Are you in the UK or US? Your GP might be able to offer some advice or recommendations on a suitable counsellor.

Not agreeing with the majority doesn't mean a poster has missed the point. Nor is their age necessarily anything to do with the fact that they look at things differently.

TheGruffalo

I think that it is more devastatiing when the mother leaves the family home, because we live in this society and because we do (and certainly did when the OP was a little girl) hold mothers to a higher standard.

Now you can argue that this should not be the case, and I might agree with you, but this hasn't got anything to do with the OP's feelings on the matter. She experienced this as an abandonment and her mother hasn't done her best since then to reassure her daughter of the love she has to give her.

OP

I agree with others who say it's really normal for feelings about our own childhoods to come out when we have DCs, and that psychotherapy might help. I agree with Marmighty's post

I also think that reframing her mum's behaviour when she was a child might be part of the therapeutic process, but that's not going to be solved here, or by basically saying "get over it"

I agree with the other posters that becoming a parent makes you reflect on the good and bad of your own childhood. I took from your post that you could have come to terms with the break up of your parents marriage had your mother been more supportive, loving and present.

All those knock backs and rejections took their toll. Now she is 60 in a bad marriage and it is suddenly convenient to play the doting grandmother. I think it's good that you are able to talk to your father even though his 'let sleeping dogs lie' probably didn't help. You have to decide how much you will let her in. It's not about revenge or pay back or making up for lost time. It's not about right or wrong. Do you want her on your life knowing she put your needs after a bad marriage and work? Can you get through that so she can have a relationship with your children that she denied you? I think you have a lot of soul searching ahead.

Thankyou for all the lovely comments and advice I really appreciate it. My mom has always said a career is important and I agree it is, I myself have a stressful professional job but I only work part time since I had dd1. So it is possible to have the best of both worlds but my mom can't see this. However we have different jobs. About 18 months ago everyone in her area had to apply for their own jobs. She didn't get hers and took it really badly. She still has a job but of a less important role. This was when she really put effort into me but it all felt a bit weird and too late. These feelings and thoughts have just intensified since I had dd2. I wish she could be happy in her life but surely she must have regrets. I have two older brothers who both joined the forces at 18 and neve wanted to it seems. Neither of them have a good relationship with her. One of them hasn't had contact with her for 15 years.
So it's not just me but I have always always been in her corner...until now.
I've been searching online and think I will contact mind services in my area

OP, you are certainly not BU, far from it. Memories, especially ones traumatic ones, can have a lasting effect, hidden away for the longest time, but occasionally rise to the surface.

I'm not an expert on these things, but my comment is from personal experience. I had a traumatic experience almost 25 years ago, it is long in the past, and does not infringe on my life, relationships, work, etc. But some things cause it to re-surface. In my case I talk about it with my DH, talking makes me feel better, it gets it out of me so to speak, and I move on again, well aware it will come up again in months or years.

Anyway, if it bothers you then it is might be useful to speak with a close confidant you fully trust. Alternatively the counselling approach might be good (speaker with a skilled counselor)

Basically talking through things might be worth a try?

My mum walked out on my dad, me and my brother. She was having an affair with a married man. I was just coming up to my g.c.s.es so I did awful in them and that's effected me.
It didn't work out with married man but she met someone else within weeks, moved him in and they have been together ever since. I'm 34 now and have children of my own I've had nothing to do with her bloke I don't even acknowledge him. My mum was invited to my wedding but wouldn't stay for the reception. She sends my brother cards but I think she's seen him twice in 10 years and doesn't show any interest in seeing him. I only see her now and again if its a birthday or Christmas or she pops into the shop I work in. I find it sad but what can you do? I just try and be a better mum to my boys. I'm sad that my dear dad didn't meet anyone else.

I'm sorry that so many posters have had similar experiences. Yes all we can do is be better parents to our own kids. I have moments when 4 year old is playing up, baby won't stop crying and I haven't even had a shower and I think fuck my life lol . But I would never leave them, they are my life xx