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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting really fed up with DP now

17 replies

j20nly · 16/08/2016 19:32

I would love to know if I'm being a cow by getting annoyed with DP or if I have genuine reason to.

He is supposed to be the SAHP, and I'm supposed to be the breadwinner. My work is very very stressful, but I can never do more than a few hours a day (I'm self employed) because DP is getting less able to deal with the kids (1 and 3) as time goes on.

In an attempt to make life a bit easier for him and to allow me to actually get some work done and earn some money, my mum looks after both children for 3 hours a day Monday to Friday. DP gets to do whatever he wants during that time, then comes back to take over. He shouts and nags the kids and moans constantly saying he's tired, huffs and puffs, makes out life is so hard. So I come home to help and he is exactly the same. Seems he resents having to do any care at all but he swears blind he wants to do it, I have asked him many times if he wants to change things so he can go back to work but he said no.

I feel like his life is really easy because he barely parents alone, he acts like he has a really hard life. No housework gets done either and every night he spends watching TV while I catch up with my work until 10pm as I haven't managed to do it in the day.

He just makes me want to scream at the moment. I wish he could see how good he has it.

OP posts:
Amelie10 · 16/08/2016 19:34

Yanbu, he needs to go back to work as he is clearly failing at being the sahp. What's the point in him being one if you have to rope in your mum, no housework is done and you still leave work early to help. Rather pay for childcare and let him contribute financially .

Squirmy65ghyg · 16/08/2016 19:43

Have you posted this before?

Original poster
j20nly · 16/08/2016 20:02

No

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 16/08/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlingMurmuration · 16/08/2016 20:08

He sounds like he can't cope with being a SAHD. In which case, he needs to get a job that covers childcare. I have some sympathy with him struggling with the kids, but not with him refusing to work instead. He's having his cake and eating it too, which isn't fair on you.

VimFuego101 · 16/08/2016 20:13

He needs to go back to work. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be a SAHP (I don't think I could do it either) but he can't keep on behaving like this.

ineedacupoftea2016 · 16/08/2016 20:16

Could you not come home to rescue him? Or do you work from home?

He sounds a bit like a child who you keep saving but sounds like he needs to learn for himself what is involved in being a SAHP and find his own way through it to make a decision whether it's right for him.

Could you sit down and say 'if you are the SAHP, you need to commit to doing x, y, z. I won't come home during the day for 2 weeks and at the end of the fortnight you need to say once and for all if you will commit to ALL of it fully or get a job'

I'd be embarrassed if a grandparent had to take the children for 3 hours a day...that needs to stop.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2016 20:18

2 options here

  1. if he is otherwise worth keeping (doubtful, but whatever) then he goes back to work and you use paid childcare

  2. you get shut of the useless fucker and use paid childcare

Either way, the status quo is not working. What does your mum think of the situation ?

OurBlanche · 16/08/2016 20:19

Write it all down:

Your mum does 15 hours a week free child care
He goes out and does whatever he chooses
You end up working til late at night to finish your work
He shouts and nags the kids, neither side get any joy out of that
He does no housekeeping... presumably you do it
Who cooks?
Who shops?
Who organises whatever needs to be organised?

Effectively you are chief cook and bottle washer.. what does he bring into your family life?

When you have written it all down, sit him down and tell him, things need to change. If he blusters, won't listen, hand him your note and tell him to read it and take care how he answers...

KatharinaRosalie · 16/08/2016 20:21

Wait, wait -

-he does not parent alone, either your mum takes care of the kids, or you are there?

  • he does no housework
  • he also moans about it

He's no SAHP. He's a cocklodger, and a grumpy one to boot. Of course he does not want to change this situation, who would?

RandomMess · 16/08/2016 20:26

Unless your DP has some mental health such as depression then he is being a cocklodger through and through

Marmalade85 · 16/08/2016 20:26

Can you hire a nanny and send him back to work?

Bogeyface · 16/08/2016 20:40

He is lazy.

He doesnt want to work out of the home and doesnt want to work in it. He isnt a SAHP, he is an unemployed cocklodger.

Something has to change. For a start, why does he say that there is no housework done? He has three hours a day to do it, and I am guessing he doesnt cook either.

I think it needs to be ultimatum time. Either he sorts himself out or he gets a job as you are no longer going to be pulling up his slack. If he cant cope then tough, you are not going to be coming home early to help him.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 16/08/2016 20:41

He's not a SAHP though is he, you're working full time from home and parenting for him, or your mum is doing it.

I'd have been fed up about forty rescues ago.

He needs a swift kick up the arse and a massive reality check.

caffelatte100 · 16/08/2016 20:42

No you are not a cow at all! I would not stand for this! Is he generally incapable? He sounds unhappy generally, of course toddlers can be hard but he's not even giving himself the best chance. He is totally unsupportive of you. Can he go back to work? Does he want to?

midlifehope · 16/08/2016 20:44

Get an Au Pair - I have just got one through August and it has made me realise how much I usually do. She has freed me up massively, and I realise now how much I've been doing. Dp also upped his act, as he didn't want to look slovenly in front of an outsider. An option for you?

Atenco · 16/08/2016 22:51

I don't you should be leaving your children in the care of someone who shouts at them, even if he is their dad. This man sounds like a complete waste of space, to be fair.

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