To hate friends mentioning his cheating?

[Metoo72]

OK this is more of a 'was' ibu than aibu as there is no longer a relationship and a bit of a post mortem,however I have been left feeling iwbu and am now worried I might have been at fault or was unreasonable in some way.

My xdp was divorced having had an affair. Is it unreasonable to have felt uncomfortable when his friends mentioned it in front of me. It happened multiple times once when one of the women he'd cheated with was sitting next to me. I just don't think it is the most endearing of things...it made me disrespect him and I didn't enjoy being reminded of how he'd treated his wife. Also aibu but...it seemed disrespectful to me too.. I'm not one of those people that mind exs being mentioned BUT I feel if it involved cheating it's another matter.

Also wibu for asking my xdp not to discuss our relationship with a women that he'd cheated on his wife with even though it was over a decade ago and they are now just friends? I felt a bit controlling to dictate what he should and shouldnt talk about with his friends however I just didn't like the idea of our private life being discussed with a previous ow. I wasn't worried about potential cheating but it just felt a bit invasive and inappropriate esp as I'd been told the women concerned was quite attention grabbing and spiteful. I'm now paranoid that I'm controlling and unreasonable :( or that my need to keep private life private from certain people is being over sensitive.

Toptoe, thank you for this. This is exactly how I was made to feel. Apparently it's common and in the script of abusers who want to blame victim or men who want to normalise being cruel / cheating / disloyal.
I knew in my heart my boundaries were already low ... I was never a phone checker or a person who dictated who he should and shouldn't see. Over time I think these low boundries would gave been kicked away until.I had nothing at all. So I'm better off out of it.

Sounds like the woman was probing him on your relationship because she knows she's a violent abuser who physically assaults his partners! And wondered if he has started on you!

He's a violent abuser

Well, it makes sense that an abusive man with no respect for others would have friends who also have no respect.

They must tacitly approve of his behavior, or have normalized it so much that his partner will automatically be low status within the group.

I would try and stop jumping down rabbit holes about this man and his friends. Would be it enough to say, he was vile, they supported that vileness. Therefore being around this man and his friends would be very unhealthy for you. And it sounds like it added to all the abuse, reinforcing the way that man fucked up your boundaries and self respect. It's a really good thing you are not surrounded by this abuse and dysfunction anymore.

What a horrible man. Well done for getting him away from you

Now you need to get that same wrongness out of your head and away from you for good. And it sounds like you're already on this path.

Good luck

No, YWNBU. The woman clearly had boundary issues, didn't she - happy to exploit his cheating tendencies on his wife, probing for information about you, possibly with a view to exposing your weaknesses as well - I wouldn't want him discussing me with such a person either.

Of course it's part of the toolbox of abusers to make the victim feel like it's their fault - it's how they excuse their abuse: "I'm sorry I hit you BUT I wouldn't have if you weren't so fucking irritating/controlling/shouty/like my mother blah blah fucking blah bollox excuse".

What you need to do with your therapist is come to realise that HE was the problem. HIM. It was ALL about HIM. And his inability to control his temper, his fists, his attitudes. It was never about you. You could have been the perfect partner, the ideal woman, and he would STILL have abused you because that's what he does.

So let it go. And go with your gut instinct on what is right for you - and having your relationship discussed with an ex lover is inappropriate, IMO.

You were unreasonable to marry him in the first place.... he's a serial cheater, no respect for women or your feelings. You are well shot of him OP.

On a different vein a close family member of mine cheated 30 years ago and I rarely look at them (they are still together) without thinking "CHEATER". As they are close to me it is something that I have to compartmentalize and I will remain this way until they are on their death bed. A bit OTT to some perhaps but their cheating had massive implications all around.

It is absolutely reasonable to ask and expect your partner not to discuss your relationship with other people. Especially an ex lover of his.

Re the friends bringing up the cheating, I'm not sure. It does sound a bit like you were in denial about the kind of shitbag person he was and they may have been trying to make you see the reality. If you get together with someone who has done something horrible to his exW I don't think you can expect it never to be mentioned.

You need to move on

Thanks everyone. Will try and move on...was just worried I might have turned into a control freak by asking for our home life not to be discussed with previous affair partners (anyone else I wouldn't mind whether male or female) ...and that that justified the violence. The fact I've posted to ask such a ridiculous question just shows how abuse skews views of what's OK and what's not. Thank you so much everyone

Nothing, ever, justifies him (or anyone else) being violent to you. Nothing.

Yanbu. It was really insensitive of his friends. Him discussing your relationship problems with another woman, esp an ex was very inappropriate and you were not controlling. It's a classic way an affair starting. Confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your relationship problems, getting their sympathy, saying you're unhappy and possibly open to....stuff.