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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to sil's 40th birthday meal (and possibly cause ww3) because of ds.

47 replies

PeppaJetta · 15/08/2016 13:12

I won't go into a huge back story here but myself and sil have had a few run in's.

If you are interested I posted under the username of Slicedanddiced about one of the huge ones (EPIC rant starting sil and 'd'p).

Anyway we have been invited to sil's birthday meal on Saturday.

Mil told us the details and invited us a couple of days ago. Very expensive restaurant that we can't afford, quite upmarket and later on at night.

Now everyone I the family knows that babysitters or changing our routines aren't really an option for us. Dd3 is autistic and becomes extremely challenging with a change of scenery/routine.

Also ds, 17 weeks, is breastfed. He won't take a bottle of expressed milk (dear god I've tried 😄)

So we have declined. Haven't heard from sil but mil has called up to say how upset sil is.

I can understand her wanting her brother the there. I suggested he go in his own but he didn't want to.

Aibu in any way because judging by the shitstirms we've had before (see thread mentioned above) I know this decision is going to be blamed solely on me.

And I'd just like to check if Aibu or not before the shit shower commences.

OP posts:

LisaMed1 · 15/08/2016 14:07

I'd love to read the backstory but can't work out which of the 500 posts that come up under your name is the right one. Any good search hints?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2016 14:08

YANBU at all. Not in the slightest. You simply cannot manage an arrangement that doesn't fit in with your family in any way. If they wanted you to attend, they would have made it easier for you to do so - but they didn't.

So you might as well assume that you're not wanted anyway, and all this palaver is mere posturing and pouting because SIL isn't top of your priority list.

I don't blame your DH for not wanting to go either, tbh.

drinkingtea · 15/08/2016 14:11

Agree Redtoothbrush .

Having turned 40 I rather disagree about it being a big deal - in any way tbh! I didn't change into a pumpkin or a hag and my life didn't begin ... [disappointed]

bialystockandbloom · 15/08/2016 14:14

Of course yanbu. But I'd make damn sure mil and all knew dh has the option of going on his own but is choosing not to. He needs to be the one explaining this to his family, not you.

bialystockandbloom · 15/08/2016 14:15

lisamed the op says her previous thread was titled SIL and 'd'p - I'm sure it can't be hard to find.

trafalgargal · 15/08/2016 14:18

I'd cut MIL out of the situation and ring SIL and say you didn't get the invitation til yesterday and with so many people on holiday you can't get a babysitter you'd trust what with DS's ASD and DD so little so you won't be able to come. If she's asks about DB going say you don't know and maybe she could ring him herself.

Floisme · 15/08/2016 15:40

You're not being unreasonable at all. I agree your husband shouldn't have to go either but I would be annoyed with him for leaving you to take the heat. This is his sister, his mother, his problem.

I wouldn't ring either of them and if they try and call you again, I would put him on the phone or suggest they call back when he's in.

Missgraeme · 15/08/2016 15:45

U are putting your kids before her meal out.
Simple.
Any grief tell her to f off!!

EreniTheFrog · 15/08/2016 15:49

I think your P is the one being unreasonable. If it's such a big deal for the family to have him there, he should go alone, surely.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/08/2016 15:59

I never go to anything involving my in-laws. I don't even begin to think about making excuses. I just don't like them. They are husband's family not mine.

DinosaursRoar · 15/08/2016 16:15

YANBU - but if you can afford for just your DH to go, I think he is BU to not go, knowing there will be a shitstorm from this, but targetted at you, not him. I would ask him if he really doesn't want to go, he's brave enough to call his Mum and explain that you can't go and he doesn't want to, even though you've told him he should go on his own.

LisaMed1 · 15/08/2016 21:29

bialystockandbloom - oops, can't work out how to search by title and op. I just got a selection of 500 posts under the name. I'll go trawl when I get a chance.

Thanks

pennefabredux · 15/08/2016 23:13

Totally agree with Redtoothbrush and others.

With my DH and his family - they are lovely. But we can't always all attend as family (or want to). We often take turns.

Decline. Stick to your guns. And, support your DH with whatever his decision is for his personal attendance.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 15/08/2016 23:18

YANBU.
Your DH is BU if he knows you will be blamed and he is willing to let you take all the flack.

magoria · 15/08/2016 23:25

If they even try and say anything a simple 'I am sorry a weeks notice isn't enough for us with DS's autism and the baby, next time give us more notice' and smile.

Don't engage in any back and forth arguments, stick with the same boring 'I am sorry, but...' reply.

You also need to have words with DH and tell him to stop being such a selfish shit and own his decisions rather than letting you be blamed.

ComedyWing · 15/08/2016 23:29

Absolutely agree with Red and others. Invitations to family events aren't summonses.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/08/2016 23:39

Off I go on one of my rants.
If you are going to cause WW3. I would say. Well if you want my company so badly. I trust you darling SIL is going to pay for our meal, as. We can not afford it.
Surely making someone pay for a celebratory meal is like making someone pay to attend a party, and if you are going to make people pay. At least choose somewhere where everyone can afford.

KittensWithWeapons · 15/08/2016 23:45

YANBU at all. We do family meals for birthdays, always. Every (Mum, Dad, sisters, partners) always go (but we all enjoy it and want to go). However one of my sisters is now pregnant. We all fully accept that the tradition will have to change when the baby arrives. We'll want her to be able to still come to the birthday meals, and as dinner at 9pm in upmarket restaurants won't be suitable when she and her husband are bringing the baby, we'll change what we usually do to accommodate them. Obviously we won't know for sure what works best until she has the baby, but if it means switching to lunch at a family friendly restaurant, that's what we'll do. Because it's more important that everyone can be there. If your in-laws weren't considerate enough to plan a meal that is suitable for your family, you are totally not being unreasonable to not attend.

2rebecca · 15/08/2016 23:49

If I'm inviting people to my birthday meal or a family member's birthday meal then I am paying (or cooking). If I am taking someone else out to celebrate their birthday eg my dad then I am paying.
I don't think you should be giving any explanations. It's your husband's family let him deal with the phone calls. Also why is your MIL organising her daughter's birthday now she's an adult? my parents stopped organising my birthday celebrations when I was over 18.

ColdTeaAgain · 15/08/2016 23:56

YANBU

Ridiculous of your MIL ringing to say how upset SIL is. If you don't get on with each other then why would she be upset about you not coming? SIL just wants more drama and to make you look bad.

Just keep stating your reasons whenever it comes up, keep it simple and to the point.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/08/2016 00:08

Your mil rang up to say how upset your SIL was. How old is she? 5.

GabsAlot · 16/08/2016 12:11

yanbu but your husband should be speaking to his sis and mother not you

if its my sil birthday i let my husband deal with it -why areu getting the grief

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