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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband on stag do - haven't heard from him...

25 replies

Smiths52 · 13/08/2016 19:29

I am genuinely interested to know what others think about this - my husband has gone off on a stag do and I am at home with our 2 under fives. Yesterday we dropped him off at the airport and 3 hours later his flight was cancelled. During his wait at the airport he had been in the bar and after finding out about the cancellation he rang me telling me that he was coming home and that he was taking the car so that he could drive 6 hours to the stag do. I said no as he was drunk and also I had plans for the children this weekend. This argument carried on back and forth for 2 hours. He only gave up when a passer-by/fellow airport traveller convinced him that he should get a train. I heard nothing from him until midnight when (prompted by a text from me) he confirmed that he had arrived at his destination. I have not heard anything from him since.

I am sick of this and completely bored by how childish he can be (its all about the friends and the party). It is usually all as a result of the drinking. Normally (without drink) he is a very good husband/dad - he works hard etc.

My question really is this - AIBU to expect to hear from him today? If roles were reversed I would want to know how kids are and check that everything is okay following yesterday.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2016 19:31

He'll be sulking because you stopped him driving while he was drunk. He'll also be hungover and likely to start an argument. Better with a bit of silence than that.

trafalgargal · 13/08/2016 19:32

You really want him on the phone .....all talking rubbish and drunk ?

Stop steaming , enjoy an evening to yourself and start planning what treat you want for you as payback for your single parent weekend.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/08/2016 19:34

You aren't being unreasonable, but he's either hungover or still drinking, probably feeling quite rough either way, and he'll be sulking that you wouldn't let him drive.

For now, I'd practice living without him, and see how much easier life could be.

When he comes back, (not immediately on the doorstep!) I'd be planning a discussion about both his drinking and his prioritisation.

Neaders · 13/08/2016 19:41

I don't think YABU, but I also think you should leave him be for now. If you speak with him, he will probably be steaming drunk and you will probably row - he will hang up and wont answer the phone to you again!
When he comes back, has sobered up and no longer hungover you should have a discussion then. Anything beforehand will be a waste of time and only make matters worse.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2016 19:43

He's obviously ticked off you wouldn't let him have the car.

Ignore him.

Whatsername17 · 13/08/2016 19:48

I'd be pissed off. When dh goes to these sort of things I get a combination of sober, drunk and hungover texts. He always checks how dd and I are. Your dh is acting like a childish arse. I agree that I'd be saying something on his return.

TellMeSomethingNew · 13/08/2016 19:50

YANBU.

GinandJag · 13/08/2016 19:53

He's on a stag do. It is not cool to appear hen-pecked.

Original poster

Smiths52 · 13/08/2016 19:58

I think you have hit the nail on head! :-) Life would be easier without him.

A conversation about his drinking and getting his priorities straight would probably be the third conversation we'd have had about this in as many months!! Unfortunately, there is a bit of a history here.

I think I just wonder what it would like to be with a bloke who didn't need mothering constantly. I am bored of being the adult all the time.

What words/conversation need to be said/had to get him to change his ways? i.e. Stop putting his mates/drinking first.

Or is there nothing that can be said?

I appreciate that I am asking a lot from mumsnet posters here.

OP posts:

TellMeSomethingNew · 13/08/2016 20:08

The thing is Smiths, you shouldn't need to ask him to, effectively, care about you or the kids. He should WANT to do that.

It's like asking a man to buy you flowers - once you've asked, it's just not the same.

It takes less than a minute to send a text asking if everyone's OK - he has no excuse not to. He chooses not to because it's easy and/or he actually doesn't care.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2016 20:09

There's nothing you can say. Unfortunately it's one of those things that people have to cotton on to themselves. He won't do that if you tell him.

diddl · 13/08/2016 20:11

I wouldn't expect to hear from mine at all if on a stag weekend.

Mind you if the flight was cancelled he'd have come home & certainly wouldn't have got pissed whilst waiting for the flight.

How the fuck were you arguing for 2hrs?

He does sound like hard work!

PerspicaciaTick · 13/08/2016 20:12

I find it odd that an OP complaining about a man who hasn't been in contact since confirming his arrival at his destination has turned into a thread about a man who requires constant mothering - there is obviously so much more to this than you have gone into so far.

Can I suggest that you ask MN to move this thread to relationships? in AIBU you will get lots of people responding to the OP and not realising you are trying to move the conversation on to wider relationship issues. You will get much better advice in relationships.

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 13/08/2016 20:13

YANBU but I loathe this whole stag/hen get mindless and act like a fuckwit thing. It seems to bring out the absolute worst in everyone.

I'd leave him be to be honest. Sometimes silence can be so much more effective than words. If he does ring don't take the call - let him stew and maybe think on.

SarcasmMode · 13/08/2016 20:14

Not unreasonable to expect it but if the stories on here are anything to go by, I'd be very surprised if you did hear from hm.

Is he in the UK in a stag do?

He sounds bonkers if he was prepared to drive with a ton of alcohol in his system.

I'm not keen on the 'party animal' mentality when you have children. Once or twice a year letting go for a night is one thing but regularly getting rat arsed and oftentimes quite disrespectful of the other partner (and it's not just the men who do this) or go on week long stag do's and don't contact their DP with children (clearly this is a man thing thus the stag do) and even without children, it seems awfully rude not to at least text when arrive then a day or two later to say how it's going.

Anyway, I'd evaluate how much and how often you are prepared to put up with this and whether he will change. Ultimately if he wont change it's up to you to decide if his good qualities are enough to put up with over the negative. After all you can't change others behaviour, only your own.

I wish you the best of luck and hope the children are OK - looking after 2 under five is a nightmare (6 month old and 3.4 year old, so know how you feel).

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 13/08/2016 20:15

You know he got there safely though. What more were you expecting to hear?

The stuff at the airport sounds dreadful, but not hearing from him after he'd let you know (admittedly after prompting) that he'd arrived safely doesn't sound bad in itself. If DH was away for work I'd expect a call to wish the DC goodnight, but that might not be logistically possible on a stag.

TheNaze73 · 13/08/2016 20:36

YABU. He's on a stag do.

zoobeedoo · 13/08/2016 20:42

He is being a total arse, and i bet he expects you to text and call repeatedly. I'd blank him completely, especially as it's not new behaviour and let him stew.

Original poster

Smiths52 · 13/08/2016 21:12

Thanks to everyone who replied.

diddl - The 2 hours argument was him badgering me about the car - while I simultaneously tried to bath the children and get them to bed! He wouldn't give up mainly because he was pissed. I was trying to juggle him and the kids. He is a total nightmare when drunk.

SarcasmMode - He is down in cornwall.

I agree with majority of posters (and that is probably my biggest problem - indecisive) i.e. - He shouldn't have to ring me as on stag but at the same time he should have an interest in the kids. I don't want to talk to him when drunk and sulking but then again it only takes a minute to send a text etc. I agree with all of this.

I think, when he gets back, it'll be another conversation about his drinking and another set of fucking ground rules/expectations etc. Totally boring... but because we have the children I will keep trying and hopefully he will realise what he is going to lose before it is too late.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 13/08/2016 22:14

Yanbu.
DH has been on several stags weekends over the years and he'll always send the odd message or facetime if he's at a loose end. I dont think it's unreasonable to expect that but it's unprompted, he loves DD and I and wants to know how we are.

CountryPlumpkin · 13/08/2016 22:33

YANBU and I'm sorry you are having to go through a solo weekend while 'D'H gets rat arsed with mates.

My DH is away on a stag this weekend but our kids are a bit older so a bit easier. I don't expect him to call but I do expect the odd text now and then, just checking in. Your DH sounds like hard bloody work, it's no fun having to be the sensible grown up and resort to 'nagging' (or rather - just reminding people about the need for considerate behaviour, equal parenting, yadda yadda yadda) It's not rocket science, is it? Just don't be an arsehole. And yet ....

for you x

exWifebeginsat40 · 13/08/2016 22:41

was he really intending to drive to Cornwall drunk? because this seems to me to go a bit deeper than not hearing from him on a stag weekend.

CalleighDoodle · 13/08/2016 22:44

The stag do isnt the issue. The fact your husband is a prize dick is. Why do you want the fact you have children to be what keeps him in the family? Is that the example of relationships you want to set for them?

Newnew35 · 13/08/2016 22:51

This in itself isn't a big deal. You know he arrived safely. Whilst it would have been nice for him to check how the kids are, when you're on a roll with your mates, it may not cross your mind to do so. I think it's more about you wanting his attention, as you know that he knows the kids are in safe hands.

Newnew35 · 13/08/2016 22:52

I agree, the intent to drive whilst drunk is the bigger issue.

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