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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling annoyed at the nursery - nappy under knickers

49 replies

oblada · 13/08/2016 08:18

It is really a first world problem I will admit but just feeling quite annoyed.

My little one has decided to stop wearing nappies (she refuses them, she's about 2), so put onto knickers and she's doing very well. She's been going to the toilet since she was tiny to familiar with the 'concept' but of course her communication is not yet perfect (from a grown up point of view) so accidents do and will happen.

Nursery has been very supportive with this which is great. Had a day with no accident which was fab. But then the next day, DH picked up DD and was told she'd been fab, no accident... Only to find out that someone had put a nappy UNDER her knickers!!! It was the knickers she had on in the morning so no accident. Her bag had a mix of change of clothes and nappies in case. Seriously though WTF? Why would someone do that? I feel like it's undermining us and DD in particular.

I don't mind them putting a nappy on her if she seems particularly distracted and is having "too many" accidents but this?? It is just plain weird..... No?? It's at that time that I miss our childminder the most, she was sooo great in supporting us in potty training the older DD when she was 18months to 2yrs... I know nurseries are busy so it's harder but still I'd like them to be open, honest and supportive.. Just needed to vent really and know if anyone has had any similar experience or an explanation for this!

OP posts:

Notagainmun · 13/08/2016 10:05

Providing she is only having one minor accident daily then they should really have removed the nappy, but nurseries are busy places and a small thing like this can happen occasionally.

I have helped potty train countless children over the years, as a childminder, and generally the older the children are starting potty training the quicker they get it and less stress all round. The children who were close to their third birthday got it in a couple of days and then rarely had an accident. Those around their second birthday took weeks or months to be fully trained.

reallyanotherone · 13/08/2016 10:09

Reading- you don't expect babies tonlearn other skills within a time frame, but neither do you set about training or teaching.

You wouldn't, for example, decide to teach your baby to walk at 9 months, remove the buggy, and expect them to start walking. You let them walk when they are ready, with a bit if clapping when they do it.

So why not wait until a child can ask for the toilet ant communicate when they need it? Rather than deciding to teach them...

It is everything to do with biology. It us about the bladder sending signals to the brain, the brain recognising those signals, the chils being able to interpret them. It is about neuromuscular development so the child can voluntarily control it's urethral and anal sphincter. It's about hormone development that controls the production of urine.

I know anecdote does not make data, but every child i have known trained before 2 has taken a long time, a lot of accidents, and many are still struggling at 3. Those that are left until they're ready crack it faster and more permanently.

mysteryfairy · 13/08/2016 10:24

All 3 of my children were trained around their second birthday. The two boys just before and my daughter just after. In each case I took a week off work and was cracked well within that time. I would not have been happy had nursery then encouraged them to regress.

My DC are between 14 and 20 now. The playgroup in our village took children who were dry from 2.5yrs. I only remember across all the children we know one child who was not dry so could not start the playgroup, excepting children with additional needs. I can't understand how in a generation it's got to the point that children are routinely expected to be dry at 3+

reallyanotherone · 13/08/2016 10:29

Maybe the same way it's toutinely expected now children are weaned at 6m. Back a generation and rusks in bottles and weaning at 3 m was "normal"

Things change as people learn, and with readily available info thaes days on best practice, they change quickly.

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

readingrainbow · 13/08/2016 10:35

I think we are coming at this with completely different perspectives. Newborns can feel and communicate a full bladder or bowel. It's subtle, but the signalling is there. Of course they need help with the process, but so does a child need help with stable walking (eg, providing a safe environment, suitable footwear, supervision, etc).

I consider toilet training to be complete when a child can do the entire process without reminding or prompting. This includes keeping themselves completely clean (wiping accurately), washing and drying hands, etc. It's a long process, not a weekend event.

I've potty trained a child at the traditional age, and I've started from 3 months old, holding baby over the potty and "catching" most deposits. I've found the transition from nappies to potty with the former to be much less hassle overall, with accidents being about the same.

This book might be of interest. There's more than one way to potty train.

unlucky83 · 13/08/2016 10:49

DD1 (many years ago) went to a nursery where they took them out of nappies at 2 yo - they also took them to the toilet together at certain times of the day (which I know is frowned on now - they have to ask to go - apparently you aren't even supposed to ask them if they need if they showing all the signs...) She had a couple of accidents a day at nursery and took an age to potty train. We had countless accidents elsewhere. She got used to weeing in her pants. It became a real battle - even when she had control, she thought it was funny to wee in her pants... I actually asked the nursery not to change her straight away even if she had a genuine accident - so she got uncomfortable - and they refused. Which is kind of fair enough but that is how desperate I was. It took 6 months or so to finally be able to go out and not be on edge. She was still in night time nappies until she was nearly 4.
DD2 at 2 wanted to try without nappies - had very rare accidents. She also said after a few weeks she didn't need one at night and refused to wear one - now 9 she has wet the bed about 5 times in her life...
All children are different - even siblings. Children can potty train young - but only if they are ready.
If I could go back in time I would have been more forceful with the Nursery and kept DD1 in nappies a bit longer...tried again a few months later. Actually they had 3-4 children 'potty training' at the same time and DD1 was the youngest. Rest were 2 and a few months but DD1 was just 2.

catkind · 13/08/2016 11:10

OP, I think you just need to not send in nappies. It sounds like you're trying to be considerate and provide them with a back-up as being nappy free is new to your DD, but nursery may be reading this as mixed messages. I'd guess a different member of staff to usual noticed there were nappies in her bag and assumed she was supposed to be wearing one. Or the putting it on for a nap and forgetting to take it off thing. I doubt it was deliberate.

(And ignore the "my way is the only way to PT" brigade.)

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2016 11:19

If they forgot there was a nappy on, why didn't anyway twig she'd not asked for a wee?

Fwiw my DD was ready at 17 months.

Scarydinosaurs · 13/08/2016 15:40

Tbh it sounds like a miscommunication- like a PP said, they probably popped a nappy on for a nap. Unless you specifically say so, most would assume that's what you wanted.

I'm sure once you specify, no nappies- not even for naps, they'll be fine.

scottishegg · 13/08/2016 16:08

We all do things differently and there's no real right or wrong answers with many aspects of parenting however I was told that a children who isn't ready to toilet train will continue to have accidents until they are ready as in if you try and train a child at 2 who is not quite to potty train until they are 2 1/2 then it will take them 6 months of accidents etc. I very much do things to make it easier for me and believe that if a child is truly ready it should take a couple of days at most. Some of my friends children have been having regular accidents for months and that sounds too much like hard work for me!!
As for the nappy issue the nursery my children used to attend did the nappy over the knickers things to get children used to the feel of knickers with the protection of a nappy! Not something I've ever heard of before!!!

Original poster

oblada · 13/08/2016 16:44

Interesting responses!

For me this way works. I don't potty train as much as follow my kids lead. They are on the toilet from a few months old but because I work FT I am realistic and wait for them to be able to communicate before considering (if they are ready) taking off the nappies altogether and especially placing that 'burden' on the nursery. I do not think it is necessary (far from) to wait until 2.5-3yrs for a child to be clean and I don't mind the accidents, it's part of life and I use washable nappies anyway so it's not really more washing :)

And I do think nursery should support me in this, it's not a massive ask and I pay them to look after my kids, surely I have the right to decide some things lol :)

Yes hopefully it was just a mistake/miscommunication (I still wish someone should have noticed ie picking up my daughter or the fact that she wasn't asking for hours possibly...) and yes maybe I will remove the nappies or just place a well hidden one at the bottom of the bag just in case :)

OP posts:

Mov1ngOn · 13/08/2016 16:52

So you're sending a child into nursery expecting multiple accidents?

Mov1ngOn · 13/08/2016 16:53

I think thats a fairly massive ask! They honestly do it in about a week/less ( yes up to asking to go, wiping, etc) if you wait until they are ready.

HSMMaCM · 13/08/2016 17:17

In think the nap time nappy being left on is the most likely answer. No reason to take pants off to pop a sleep nappy on.

Talk to her key worker about how toilet training is going. She may be better at home than nursery.

HSMMaCM · 13/08/2016 17:17

Also .... Even if they left it on by mistake, there's nothing to stop her using the toilet.

Witchend · 13/08/2016 18:01

My girls both trained before they were 2yo, and ds just,after, and all of them rarely had an accident a week into training-in fact dd1 and ds had no more accidents,after the first day.
However I did put a nappy on for naps for some time afterwards as it's not nice for them to wake up wet.

Racheyg · 13/08/2016 18:19

Nursery did this to ds1 once and I just asked them not to and if the could do what we are doing it would be really helpful as confusing him would make it hRder in the long run.

They didn't do it again. And he didn't have any accidents at all.

catkind · 13/08/2016 19:03

scottishegg, if you define "when they're ready to potty train" by "when they stop having accidents", that will be true 100%! How do you tell in advance when that is though? When a child wants to potty train is generally a pretty good time to have a go, it's so much easier when they want to.

My deadline in my head was 3 weeks. If they were still having daily accidents after 3 weeks we'd stop and try again later. If they were dry most days after 3 weeks then they are able but just making mistakes. I'd be reluctant to put them back in nappies at that stage. That would feel like saying a child wasn't ready to walk because they occasionally fell over.

I think some kids are just lazy about going to the loo when they're involved in play, and waiting longer to make them responsible for doing that doesn't make it any easier. That was how it seemed to work for DS anyway.

scottishegg · 13/08/2016 19:24

Sorry my post was as clear as mud, basically every child gets to a stage where they are both physically and emotionally ready to start toilet training for some children this can occur at 18 months for others 3 years. If you begin to toilet train a child who isn't ready it will Take them a certain period of time until they are truly ready, sometimes children will show this by having a lot of accidents over a long period of time. When a child is truly ready the process should take days at most. I only gave mine a day or 2 if they had lots of accidents then I stopped and started again maybe a few weeks later or until they showed very definite signs of readiness. I'm no expert but that what worked for me. It made things a lot easier and less stressful, my two oldest were 2 1/2 my youngest was just 2.

Mov1ngOn · 13/08/2016 22:13

V similarities Scottish. If there were accidents I went back to nappies. So much easier and less distressing for.them to do it when they could in our case. Similar ages too!

MidniteScribbler · 13/08/2016 23:23

If she's having regular accidents, then she's not ready. In a busy nursery, whilst they can clean up the occasional accident, they don't have the time to be doing clean ups constantly. A one to one childminder or parent at home is different, they have less children to care for and can waste the time doing this.

I'd be pretty annoyed if my son was being ignored at day care because someone expected the staff to be running around after a 2 year old all day trying to get them toilet trained or cleaning up their constant accidents.

Original poster

oblada · 14/08/2016 14:37

Kids used to be clean at 12months easily before the massive invasion of nappies. They are ready well before 2-3 yrs but it's only that before that stage their communication is mostly non-verbal so less easy to pick up. Also disposable nappies make them used to the 'dry' feel even after having a wee in them. I use washable nappies (for various reasons, one being I find them easier to use actually :)) so it may make things easier. Anyway I'm confident she'll be fine. She's has no accident with us this week-end despite being away (long driving, 'strange' places etc). im quite happy with requesting this from the nursery, after all everyone has different needs, my kids eat well and are easy to deal with at nursery - there are others who need a lot more support at dinner time, etc and need that extra attention. The little bit of extra attention my dd will require will be because of this 'early' toilet 'training' but im comfortable that it will not be an undue burden on them. it will be very temporary.

This sleep nappy makes perfect sense actually i hadnt thought of that at all until i saw the responses here !! :)

OP posts:

Mollieben · 14/08/2016 17:14

Does she sleep at nursery at all? I would imagine she had a nappy on for her sleep and it was left on by accident. That wouldn't be weird at all in my opinion - I often put pants on my boys over their nappies to make taking the nappy on and off easier when they were potty training. Maybe ask them??

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