To be angry at my parents (Adult autism diagnosis)

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In the past year i was diagnosed as Autistic, my parents are separated (for the past 22years they've never spoken a word to each other) so when I finally felt brave enough to tell each of them separately, one said "yes I thought as much since you were a toddler" and the other one said "i wondered all your life and nearly took you to a GP but changed my mind".

That hurts more to me than if they'd simply never realised. I had a horrid childhood, everyone thought I was naughty and just plain weird. I was disciplined constantly for things I didn't understand I was doing wrong. I can't get past the fact that if one of them had just done something then i would have had the support I desperately needed.

I had a suicide attempt, almost had my DD taken from me (because of the attempt) and had relatives who wanted a child, try to adopt her via courts/social services claiming i was "not stable" and not once did either of them mention that I could have serious mental health issues that could have contributed.

My DD is now 4 and shows similar traits to me, however because she is confident with people there's a lot of scepticism as to why I'm getting her assessed. When I discussed it with her dad (been separated since pregnancy) we both said it's better for her if she knows, for her quality of life. So we can get her in the right school with the right support. That's what I feel should have been done for me I was sent to the local school which is the worst in my entire county and was tortured for being so 'different'. We had a special needs unit that looked reasonably safe and inviting but my DM was clearly ashamed that I could possibly need it. On telling her about DD she simply said "it will be learned behaviour from you", absolutely adamant that there's no way her precious DC could be "weird" too

Apparently it was simply embarrassing to have a disabled child and easier to pretend I was rebellious and strange. DM always said I had "middle child syndrome and needed the attention". I remember her always saying "I don't know why she's like this, must take after her dad". He said the same but vice versa (they absolutely hate each other).

The thing is, no-one is admitting they could have done better and that's what's making me so angry. Should I demand some kind of apology? Should I go low contact? Should I just get over it as I'm not a child anymore?

Obviously it's something that I can bring up at counselling but I'd love the opinions of others about what repercussions they would expect and i don't have anyone to ask in real life.

I don't know, most of us as parents are not perfect, and most of our parents are not perfect either. Getting ASD diagnosed now is quite difficult, let alone 20 or 30 years ago.

I'd have some compassion with my parents for that.

You do sound quite troubled and quite angry though OP. You describe your childhood as horrible. What exactly, other than not diagnosing you, did you parents do that wasn't great? I might be wrong, but sometimes it is really easy to blame others people for our distress.

On the flip side of the coin, it could have been quite tough for your parents having a child that they had absolutely no help to understand or other outside support. They may have been blamed by the school or others.

You also sound very cross that social services about your child, but again, perhaps you were too distressed at one time to look after your child and needed temporary respite. Our actions affect others, whatever the cause.

I had 2 boys around your both diagnosis at a young age one had help but he had other non related issues but was also charming so got what he need . The other slipped though the net no matter hard I fought. Neither boy was statemented
You would not got into the special needs bit of school get that out of your mind . If the school thought you were bad they would got help for you. Your parents could not got in better unless you were statemented which you find very hard to get for child. You will not get any extra help for your child unless she statemented.

With your counciling look into your famliy had try work out who has ASD and who has not. Look at parents had they bought up if they had brothers and sisters who different they will your behaviour is normal

I'm 40 and diagnosed 10 years ago.

I've got Aspergers which wasn't recognised when I was a child but can't get over how my parents thought I was being deliberately awkward.

You are younger than me and your parents had their suspicions so no excuses!