Parent of child's friend asking my children to lie

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

My sons who are v young teenagers have a friend the same age. They only see him in holidays as they go to school and their friend is home schooled. Their friend loves spending time with my boys. Yesterday he went out with us after telling his mother where he was (my boys both saw the texts and heard the calls) however he didn't tell her we were going swimming because he knew she'd say no and then lied about his mother being home so my DH wouldn't drop him back at his door. Later that evening his father came round saying he'd been hunting the village for hours saying no one knew where he was and denied the lad had told him mother. We were planning on all going out the next day Pokemon go hunting (yes I know) but his parents say he couldn't go because of his behaviour over the swimming. I was fine with that it's their son I am not going to interfere with their parenting choices.

However this morning I had a text from the mother asking me if my sons would ring him and say we weren't going out today as one of them was poorly as she had to go out with her daughter and she said she couldn't afford to have her son upset at her because he isn't allowed to come with us.

I said I wouldn't encourage my boys to lie but I was happy for them to call Their friend and say he couldn't come today because I had said no (because I had said to my boys prior to that I didn't want to take him out PG hunting because he had lied to my DH and I would have explained that to him when I next saw him that it was the consequence of his lies to me).

Also I felt a bit peeved because she had lied to her DH about knowing where he was. My boys duly rang and explained simply I had said no about him coming out with us today with no other explaination.

However I have now found out she is really angry because I wouldn't do as she asked and now her son is ignoring my boys and they are upset.

AIBU? Should I have done as she asked? I just didn't like her asking me to ask my boys to lie just so she didn't look like the bad guy. I don't know what to do now??

The boys are letting the situation settle and wait for him to come over. I've told him to just carry on enjoying their holiday and not to worry. I've explained the whole thing to them, as we always do, and they have been telling me some hair raising stories about other incidents that have concerned/worried them regarding the family dynamics. I've asked them to just be there if the boy needs them but to stay away from the home if possible. I thank you all for your comments I feel reassured that I didn't just go off on one. Thank you

Stay away. Woman's a fruit loop.

You've done the right thing.
Is their father some short of a brute that she feels she has to lie?
But I've seen this setup before. By the time this kid is 18, he's going to do a) leave the house with no backward glance b) be a spineless liar too. There would be no middle ground. I've lived it through friends. The ones with grit and attitude left home and never return not a day later than their 18th birthday. He has spent a considerable amount of money on therapist to untangle his childhood. Now, in our late 30's, one has a family and all the trappings of a normal life. His brother still lives at home and panders to a weak mother and a brute father.

Often, children learn to lie through fear...so yeah. I'd be very worried indeed.

The lad is not learning the normal rules of society. I'd begin to wonder if SS should be told, depending on what else your boys told you.

I would consider flagging this family up to social services.

they have been telling me some hair raising stories about other incidents that have concerned/worried them regarding the family dynamics.

So you'll be calling social services, I hope? From what you've observed and what your children tell you, this boy is in trouble. Social services are the appropriate professional government service to investigate.

If she was going to stop him joining you because of his behaviour, how on earth would not telling him he's being punished have any effect on the future?

Ironic that she punished her son for lying and then proceeds to lie to him herself and get your family to...

Yanbu

I fully opened the thread expecting a pearl clutcher complaining about another patent sneaking her 13 into Alton towers as 12 or something like that.

But she sounds completely bonkers.

Sounds to me, like the son didn't tell the Mum where he was. He lied about the swimming (by omission) and lied saying his Mum was at home, when she wasn't. Hence the Dad searching for him. Nothing else makes sense. So, now he's being punished and rightly so. I don't think your boys saw his texts to his Mum, they've just believed his lies also.

Anyway, why wouldn't a teenager be allowed to go swimming? And Home Schooling, ugh. Sounds to me like the Mum has a very tight reign on him, and he's trying desperately to get a bit of freedom. Quite sad really.

I'd worry there's more to this too. The mums teaching him to lie, good job there it's clearly worked.
And the fact dad doesn't know what's going on.
you did the right thing
Depending on what your kids have said would depend if I felt the need to have a chat with ss.
Something doesn't feel right. The dropping off the radar also would worry me, yes he could have the arse with your kids but I'd worry there's more to it

You could turn this round a bit

Maybe mom is scared of DS? Maybe if she punishes him he'll kick off - but won't if you lie - that's how I read it!

Maybe she needs the help rather than him? Maybe he's like his father?