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Original poster

To ask for help with coping with being 'told off' at work....

53 replies

TheSockGoblin · 12/08/2016 13:06

Posting here for traffic as i know I am being unreasonable in my reactions to this issue, but I really, really hate being 'told off' at work.

My work is somewhere which is fast paced and there is a lot of pressure to get things done in a limited timeframe. Mistakes happen and sometimes my managers have a word with me about mistakes I make. not loads, but every now and then I do screw something up.

This isn't a problem in of itself, my managers don't swear or shout or act in a nasty way. They can be a tad strict or slightly arsey but I never feel like I'm getting an uncalled-for bollocking or am being bullied etc.

My problem is even a small mistake and being pulled up on it leaves me feeling panicky, unsure of myself, frustrated, defensive and really anxious.

It's my day off today and my boss called me over two hours ago to pull me up on something I did wrong yesterday - some of it my fault but some with a reason. He wasn't mean to me, just told me what to do differently next time and did say this sort of thing if seen to be done deliberately could be a dismissal offence (but to be fair most of the stuff they pull you up with at work is touted as being a dismissal offence!).

My issue is i'm still going over it in my head and feeling angry at myself, depressed, down and worried about work. I also feel defensive and generally bleurgh about it.

I need some advice!! How do I manage these feelings?

I hate the feeling of being 'in trouble', to the point where i feel i become obsessive about the issue and really wind myself up. It's really put a cloud on my day and made me realise how much of a problem this is for me.

Anyone else get this? How do you cope with it?!

OP posts:
CantChoose · 12/08/2016 13:49

I find this too and I can't help re running the situation over and over in my head, even when it's just a minor thing or advice about how something could be done better but that my way was totally ok too... No helpful advice to give tbh, just sympathy!

FayaMAMA · 12/08/2016 13:49

FYI, yes, my boss used to handwrite emails for the juniors to then type up and send.... God knows why.

GasLightShining · 12/08/2016 13:50

Secret is:
(a) No-one died
(b) No-one connected to this will even remember this in a years time
(c) One day I'll be worm food

I am so trying to follow this but it is hard and I have sat in front my computer in tears on a number of occasions. Most of the problems have arisen from work load but what gets me is the need to copy the world into the e-mail

I am good at my job and the bollockings are not coming from my boss (he has stuck up for me as has a couple other people).

picklypopcorn · 12/08/2016 13:53

Oh God, are you me??

The number of times I've made minor errors and ended up in a panicked, teary mess having a chat with a manager is, frankly, mortifying Blush

Mine stems from a perfectionist parent (who I love dearly btw!) who saw any kind of failure as a character flaw. I was very pushed as a child.

I was diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) about 4 months ago and given medication to balance me out. BEST. THING. EVER.

Pre-diagnosis if I made a mistake I'd be panicked, worrying, unsure of myself and teary for at least a week afterwards... I cocked up the other day over something relatively small that would have induced serious panic previously.. and I couldn't get myself worked up about it at all. I just couldn't care that much about it!

Even my manager commented about the change in me and said "it's nice to see you more relaxed about things now" Grin

Seriously, get yourself to your GP and get some CBT, lifes too short for that level of stress :)

arwenearlythereyet · 12/08/2016 13:58

"My problem is even a small mistake and being pulled up on it leaves me feeling panicky, unsure of myself, frustrated, defensive and really anxious."

This is me too, and like pickly I have an anxiety disorder. Have you got any history of depression? I have had medication + therapy on and off for years.

CBT was somewhat useful but compassion therapy is what is finally helping me crack this. PM me if you want deets.

QueenLaBeefah · 12/08/2016 14:07

Due to having a complete arsehole for a manager I now block my work's phone number. Stops all the ridiculous phone calls.

MrsFrankRicard · 12/08/2016 14:14

My job has tight deadlines and I have a boss who is into the finer details of everything (whereas I am not), I don't think anybody likes being told they have done something wrong. I also have a bit of anxiety so it can be stressful. Basically I try really hard to make sure I don't make the same mistakes as any I have made before and in doing so it makes me better and better at the job, but we are all human and we will make the odd mistake. So that is my way of dealing with it, just remember that EVERYONE screws up sometimes, you would rather be told you have done something so you can correct for next time (good learnings). Another thing is to hold your hands up straight away if you have done something wrong, trying to cover up and being dishonest will be a lot more serious and honesty is always appreciated in the workplace. I don't think you should have been called on your day off, that is crappy.

GasLightShining · 12/08/2016 15:18

I think what I find hard to deal with is that most of the time I am not making mistakes but just that things go down to the wire. I had a right bollocking the once (like I said before with everyone copies in) when it wasn't even my fault. Someone forgot to tell him that the papers were being sent somewhere else and not to him.

absolutelynotfabulous · 12/08/2016 18:53

It sounds as though yours is a high-pressure environmentop. Is that the problem or is it something deeper within yourself? How do your colleagues react to criticism?

absolutelynotfabulous · 12/08/2016 18:54

Sorry that was addressed to gaslight.

wheresthel1ght · 12/08/2016 18:57

The fact you admit to making a lot of mistakes would suggest you either need additional training or you aren't suited to the role. They also should not be ringing you on a day off, the correct procedure is to speak to you on your next shift.

I would ask for additional or refresher training and start observing others around you and how hu are doing the job.

BluePitchFork · 12/08/2016 18:58

I have a 'fuck it' folder in my outlook for those emails. firstly to keep track of them, secondly so they don't show up in my normal mails and give me this feeling of doom whrn I stumble on them.

GasLightShining · 12/08/2016 19:11

absolutely if you knew my job title you would probably never think it could be stressful but I am the only one bar my boss and he deals with different areas of work. That's part of the problem - there is no one to help pick up the slack. I'm not here no one does my work.

There are a few factors which have made my situation worse over the last few years. Part of the problem is that I want to do a good job so I get stressed when it is not happening. I don't want to be leaving things until the last minute but there is not enough hours in the day (well there is if I move into my office!)

phenomenomenological · 12/08/2016 19:13

I'm like this too.

Only thing that ever helps me is telling my partner who listens carefully then says "hmmm.... You know what? Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. It doesn't fucking matter and they can all go to hell." Now I say it to myself in my head every time the anxiety starts creeping in and it helps - interrupts the crazy negative thoughts.

DeadGood · 12/08/2016 19:25

OP, I know just what you mean.

I know this sounds really difficult and I'm not sure if I'd have the balls to do it. But do you think you could put the wind up your boss a little? Redress the balance a bit?

Go in first thing and say confidently to your boss, "I'd like a chat with you when you're free", take the lead and find a meeting room. Everyone's hairs stand up a little when someone asks for "a chat", even if that someone is junior to you. What's it going to be about?? Etc.

So when you're sitting down, launch straight into "I'd like to discuss our phone call from last week. Can I ask that calls of that nature are kept to working days please?" Stop talking, look at your boss, enjoy the squirming and wait for their response. Then you can move on to if training is required, or how you can feasibly reduce errors in future given the hard stare at boss time constraints that make it impossible to achieve a 100% success rate.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 12/08/2016 19:53

I'm the same and it's hard. It has taken me years to develop a poker face and not react, get emotional or defensive but to accept criticism calmly. I do pick over it and dwell and get upset in private though. The thing that gets me through is reminding myself that I will get past it - that in a few days time the 'sting' will have eased off and it won't bother me so much. It is really difficult though - and I am a manager so have to give and receive constructive feedback!

You do need to have a word with your boss about boundaries though. Calling you on your day off is lazy on their part. I would come down hard on any of my team leaders if I found out they were doing this. But I believe very strongly that personal time is exactly that - and I don't have any truck with people who think that a contract of employment somehow gives them first dibs over your every waking hour just wish my own boss felt this way

absolutelynotfabulous · 12/08/2016 20:44

gaslight I believe all jobs can be stressful if there's no support, or poor management. Or it's a crap organisation without basic procedures.

Especially if the powers-that-be couldn't give a stuff.

woodhill · 12/08/2016 21:02

Yes I had this recently when I did a temporary job in the Summer break. I felt like I was 18 again and it really knocks your confidence. I realised how much I was valued in my normal role which is ongoing.

Do other team members make similar mistakes.? It is difficult to deal with negativity. Your boss should not be phoning you on your day off.

RoboticSealpup · 12/08/2016 21:09

My dad was like that, too, TheSockGoblin, and I have the same problem. I'm at home with DD at the moment, but when I was working I used to feel like I morphed into a child whenever the horrible boss gave me 'feedback'. I'm pretty sure it's related. I also have a massive case of imposter syndrome - my parents always saw me as a bit of a loser when I was growing up and are sooo surprised that I've ended up doing well, so I take any mistake or criticism as evidence that I am in fact that loser. Luckily I have a really supportive DH who helps me to see myself more the way he does. I also think his confidence rubs off on me a bit.

woodhill · 12/08/2016 21:18

I think my dps were very negative and critical too and I lack self confidence.

Also I know I try to justify myself when others don't bother. Do u do this op?

GasLightShining · 13/08/2016 20:08

absolutely bit of a complicated situation whereby my boss is employed by a different organisation to me so to does not help.

Hopefully at some point I will get to a good place.

Have critical parents too!!!!

Squabblesallaround · 13/08/2016 20:15

I'm exactly the same op and embarrassingly it makes me cry, not sure why as it is usually a very matter of fact pointing out rather than a bollocking. Even so I have to excuse myself and nip to the loo for a sob Blush. I present as confident but inwardly I'm a sensitive mess. Would also like to know the secret to the 'idgaf/brush it off' way of life. You have my sympathies

User3003 · 03/02/2020 00:05

This stresses me out SO MUCH . Any little thing or any comment even if it is not ment with bad intentions play of my mind for weeks and cause me to feel low mood

Savingshoes · 03/02/2020 01:17

I wonder if part of the reason is that parent/child or teacher/pupil feeling of being disciplined.
Sometimes though, management are on a power trip and like to nit-pick or in your case, find inappropriate times to bring you up on the matter.
I would throw it back at them.
Agreed, you're making mistakes but being challenged about this in your own time is not appropriate.
Don't be afraid to say "is this about work? I am unable to discuss this right now, I'll contact you when I'm at work to discuss this further. Thank you - goodbye" end call.
Remember, that's your partner's time with you they are taking away from both of you. Don't give them wiggle room.
When you get to work, make a point of seeing them at your first opportunity. Say something like "we need to discuss a concern I have, it's urgent. Are you available at X time?"
During the meeting I would challenge them on their time management. Explain that 1 to 1s (every 3 months?) are a reasonable time to discuss errors unless it puts people's safety at risk. Tell them (not ask) that you will not be answering calls at home unless there is an emergency.
Another suggestion would be to say "and what three things am I doing well in your opinion?" Each time they highlight mistakes to remind both parties that actually you bring a lot to the company and puts things into perspective.
They are reasonable to challenge you on your failings but unless you are a failing at your job role, it really shouldn't be quite so regularly or in your time.

caketiger · 03/02/2020 01:33

Placemarking

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