To have a life outside of MIL?

[TheQueenOfItAll]

For the past few years, we (partner and I) have been living with MIL to save some money for our own home - I am an expat, so I was unable to live with my own parents. Naturally, MIL developed a good relationship, and I am happy to have her involved in some things others wouldn't want their MILs to be near. As I've come into my own in this country, learning the languages, finding a job etc etc, I have made friends my own age, and enjoy spending weekends with said friends or doing some couple things with partner.

Now, this is where the problem begins. Since moving out my MIL has taken it VERY hard that she has gone to having a full house to being alone. She is divorced with no friends and quite frankly, refuses to put herself in situations to start her own friend circle and life. Saturdays are usually reserved for tea with family, but sometimes I am not able to host her or go to her house - my partner can spend some time with his mum and I can see my friends!
MIL has slagged me off, saying I have no sense of family and that I am not taking care of partner!!

She has now taken to inviting herself along to our 'couple days'!! Sometimes, yes, it's nice to have her along, but Jesus f-ing Christ, it's becoming suffocating at this point. Telling her to GAL is not working and I am at my wits end.

If she's constantly letting herself into the house when you've asked her not to, you have the perfect excuse for getting your keys back or changing the locks.

When she gets PA about you seeing your own family, point out that you see her far more than you see them.

Stop telling her where you're going, cut down the daily emails and texts, and gradually begin to cut down the invitations to dinner.

You are not responsible for another's happiness. You can't make her happy, only she can do that.

I think you're doing what you can without sacrificing your own life for her. On the other hand, she did put herself out for you a lot. So, I would find something she likes, whether you do or not - sewing, cards, gardening, whatever - and join a club with her. Go with her for about 6m, then slowly drop out.

Warning : if she's got no friends, hobbies or interests independent of you and your DH now it'll only get worse as she gets older! Could you scope out social things that would be of interest to her (book clubs, gardening clubs, walking groups spring to mind) and encourage her to give them a try? I was going to suggest accompanying her to the first few events, but she may then feel abandoned if you don't continue to go!

You don't seem at all unreasonable to me, OP!

"So, I would find something she likes, whether you do or not - sewing, cards, gardening, whatever - and join a club with her."

Ehhh calm it down to a frenzy will you?

Yep. She's lonely and probably scared to put herself out there. Start a hobby with her and help her find her some friends there. Then phase out your involvement with said hobby.

JudyCoolibar she has a set of keys, as she is the only person (apart from my friend that lives very far) that I trust with keys to my house in the event of an emergency, lost keys.

Optimist1 We have very different interests tbh. She is happy to spend her evenings watching TV for whatever reason. Partner has encouraged since he was old enough, but she doesn't want to put herself out there. I can only do so much to make her realise that the loneliness will only increase once she retires.

Get her a dog

Honestly a pet dog or cat could be the key for her sharing all that motherliness that she poorer on both of you somewhere else and give her companionship as she won't go out and seek it

Er... dinner 2/3 nights a week planned to be with her and enjoyed with her, plus frequent daily texts/calls is hardly 'throwing her away' is it?! That MiL would like it to be 7 days a week is the OP's issue, she's clearly very fond of her and this is a good and wanted relationship, it's that MiL does not want to accept that DiL/Son may have any part of their life that doesn't involve her!

Also - er, 'this suited you when she was useful' - so does MiL now have a lifelong moral right to 24/7 life with OP and her family even if this makes OP and her DP unhappy and limits them?

It sounds like a conflict of interests. Some older relatives of mine (sadly passed on now) enjoyed their retirement and were social butterflies who loved filling their time. Others became a lot more insular, their life became reduced to their house and immediate family and those microdetails went into sharper focus for them and were highly important parts of their life, where to younger members of the family with young children and work and so many things to think about, those details were so minor by comparison they were pretty much insignificant. The younger members of the family were permanently accustomed to having to be flexible with so much to juggle where the older members came to prefer a very consistent, predictable routine where the same things happened in the same way on the same days. Being a parent though is about launching your child to have their own life and accepting that means their comes a point where you let go. Not have the expectation that they are solely responsible for providing you with all the company and entertainment you will need for the rest of your life. MiL's adult life presumably hasn't been lived hand in hand with her own MiL?

It's taking it out of the black and white, all or nothing view: 'If I have to accept any limit/less than 7 days a week you're throwing me away/rejecting me/you're bad people'. Yes, absolutely move forward gently, she and you both sound lovely and you want to keep that good relationship, but there is going to be no way to do this without her being upset and angry to a degree because she cannot reasonably be allowed to have what she wants as her ideal. You are going to need to be ok with her being a little upset and angry sometimes about boundaries without getting upset yourself and feeling guilty, and that this does not mean she won't get through it or that you've done anything wrong.

Baby steps, but limits need to be gently but firmly put down. Avoid things become a routine. In my family if it happened twice on the same day two weeks running then it became expected and a habit and stress and upset arose if week three you had other commitments. We used to interrupt patterns intentionally to avoid this after a couple of upsets.

Thanks rumblingDMexploitingbstds, you are completely right, I do value her relationship and I make quite a lot of time for her already. Although getting a pet is a no-go as she hates all animals!

I will tell her again and reinforce to partner that he also needs to tell his mum to take a step back (have very little faith it in though :P)

Very wise comments from rumbling, particularly about avoiding establishing a routine. WRT to her retirement, she could experience it as a terrific freedom to go places and do things with friends (and family sometimes!) on any day of the week or as a lonely existence dependent on her family having time for her. I hope she can be encouraged to make it the former.