To hate the term 'a natural mother' ?

[Cleebope]

Just had visit from Mil, who is sweet natured but very old fashioned and traditional. She described in conversation the daughter of one of her friends as 'a natural mother'. This really got my back up as I know she would never describe me like that. She went on to say her friend's daughter had a baby at 18 but it turned out okay as she is a 'natural mother' who always loved babies as a child. Does this mean those of us who didn't love other people's babies in our youth are not natural mothers? Am I over reacting to hate this phrase? I would never use it in any context, except maybe as a synonym for biological mother, and even then its usage can be offensive. Does anyone else use this term?

I think some people do have massive patience and just deal with children in an upbeat kind of Mary Poppins way. I on the other hand find them hugely frustrating and at times want to get in the car and drive.

I am not a natural mother.

Yes sorry my SAHM comment was for the OP who asked that Qs in her last post. Sorry to confuse!

But I agree with what you're saying apart from that being a natural mother is fulfilling your own needs with all the babies. I think being a natural mother means you are able to adapt to the changing needs of your children: from infancy to adulthood. Not just cooing over small babies.

That's why I agree with OP who said it was like a 'set of skills'.

If you look at it like possessing skills to do any other complicated 'job'.... Some people can do the job well, but have to work at it. Some people just excel and breeze through it. Others are just not simply up to the job (with mothering this applies to a small minority of abusive parents).

So I think what we're saying is we see the use of the term natural mother differently?

I'm not a natural mother and neither is my own mother, whereas MIL and DH are definitely naturals - they just seem so be very tuned in to children's needs and get it right more often than not, whereas I feel I get it wrong most of the time and am not really in my element, much as I love DD. Patience has a lot to do with it, but just automatically knowing what is reasonable to expect, in a way.

I am not a natural mother. Neither is my own mother. I think she is a fab mother but I can see it doesn't come naturally. MIL is a natural mother. But I don't think she is a better mother/grandmother than mine.

I think it depends on who is saying it?

I'm the first to admit I'm not a 'natural mother' yet it would get my back up if someone else said it?

It grates because of the unspoken implication that "natural mother" = "real woman".

Abso, yes i guess we see it slightly differently. I agree with everything you've said and agree that is natural mother should be everything you have stated. It's just that IME the natural tag is applied to plenty of as yet untested mothers, based on their historic fondness of children.

The mothers in my social circle are mostly mothers to toddlers and younger. Some of them have been labelled "naturals", some of them not. The naturals loved babies before they had one, and their entire existence is seemingly based on their mother status. And that is beautiful.

The thing is the non-natural mothers are every bit as good mothers to their babies, and are providing every bit as good care, but it doesn't define them and they have other strings to their bows.

It's clear to me that some of the naturals might not be so good with older children, whereas some of the non-natural mothers who are just as doting with their babies and doing just as well, seem like they might be better suited to it in the long run.

Perhaps my experience with the usage of the tag is not typical, and perhaps it;s means different things when applied to women of different ages or levels of experience. But in the context i've seen it used in recently, it is unfair to the non-natural mothers who are doing a great job, and love mothering just as much, but don't qualify for the natural mother status.

agree with SoupDragon. some people are naturally better (more relaxed maybe) at handling babies and children, even if they don't have previous experience of young siblings or other babies etc. Not just handling physically but managing them and amusing them and not being fazed by caring for them or by any element of their behaviour as babies or children.

What does being a natural at parenting mean, that is what I don't understand?

An abundance of tolerance and gin

I hate this term both in the sense your MIL used it with its connotations of superior maternal instinct (loaded with judgement about anyone considered - what? - unnatural mothers) and its innate sexism.

I truly despise it used in the context of a parenting philosophy - natural parenting. It goads me.

Both imply smug superiority.

Yep, it's definitely just a descriptive phrase and no offence is intended.

I'm a natural mother with babies. I'm good with them, can handle them confidently and am good at calming and soothing them. I remember my mum remarking to her neighbour that I was a natural mother after she'd been to visit me with DS1. I was chuffed to bits, mainly because I know she was pleased to see I was taking it in my stride.

I'm not a natural mother of tantrumming toddlers however... I am also not cut out to be a SAHP. I think everyone finds different phases of parenting come more naturally to them than others.

There's no shame in being a natural at parenting and to just find the solutions to child related things as easily as you take breath.

Equally there's no shame in being a parent who has to think and make a conscious effort with every aspect of parenting because none of it occurs to you naturally.

All that matters is that your children are loved and we'll cared for. It might be an annoying turn of phrase but isn't worth being aggravated about.

My DM is definitely a natural mother in so much as everything she did/does with me and my dc is completely instinctive and always right. I am not a natural mother, I adore my dc age 17 and 6 but I feel like I overthink everything and need more advice and help than my Mum needed.

Yanbu. My first baby was high needs. I had 6 months of hell and cried everyday. My best friend gave birth to an angel. Our mutual friend kept saying how well she was doing and what a 'natural mother' she was. It broke my heart as I knew she was implying I wasn't. It was 2 different situations and I didn't stand a chance of being seen as a 'natural mother'.

I was a complete party animal and didn't have children until my 30s and had no maternal instincts at all. No interest in other people's children. Never wanted to hold a baby when they were brought into work. Etc etc.

So when I got pregnant I think some people were worried. I turned out to be an instinctive natural mother completely unexpectedly. I fell head over in heels in love with my baby and am a very calm living chilled mum to 3 now. No-one knowing how I was before would have ever expected this ☺

So I think it's often used in this way. I'm sure not meant to upset you.

There are definitely people who I would say are natural mums and others who aren't. It sounds like it touched a nerve and that's why you don't like the phrase.

You can love your kids but not be a natural with them IMO

I'm very maternal; children gravitate towards me and always have since I was young. So people describe me as a natural mother.

The irony is that I didn't have parents til I was adopted as an 11 year old, so have no clue 90% of the time how to mother. I may look like a natural parent when I'm playing and entertaining everyone's children. Underneath I'm never quite convinced I'm doing it properly. But I think most folks wing it, just some are more serene than others as they fluke it. Being described as something doesn't mean you are it at all. It just means that's what folk see.

My DM is NOT a natural mother, she admits that herself-she had little maternal instinct...which might explain why she didn't have too much trouble upping and leaving my dad to raise us when I was only 4.

I on the other hand find parenting generally easy, I lose my shit occasionally but my instinct seems to be reasonably well tuned. I had no younger siblings/cousins/neighbours.

But I stand on the fence, I am not sure wether I think YABU. As I can see how it could have loaded connatations, however I can also see how its meant to be a harmless observation.

I don't consider the phrase natural mother to equate with being a real woman at all. I will quite happily admit that I am not a 'natural' mother. I am not overly patient and find parenting quite stressful. My sister on the other hand is what I would call a natural mother. She has limitless patience and is completely relaxed around children. She has 3 of her own, was a childminder for several years and is now a teaching assistant in school nursery.

I don't take this as a personal slight. I have lots of other skills and I know that despite my unnatural mothering my children are happy and loved.

I have heard natural father used if anything more often than with women usually because the man has, I don't know, picked up a child or something

Thanks for all your feedback, have found all the comments pretty meaningful and this phrase is so open to interpretation that we all have different feelings about it. My gut response is more like Jenniferyellowhat's and strawclutchings but when I rationalise it I can agree with
Fulltimeyummy and actually almost everyone's ideas. I guess it's not a competition to see who is the most natural at mothering though others' offhand comments sometimes make us feel that way! My dc are now mid teens and doing all right thankfully despite my shortcomings!