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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a "life" coach?

29 replies

Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 19:53

Honestly feel like I've lost my way in "life" and just want someone to help me sort it out, all of it!
I'm a sahm to 2 preschoolers- had kids straight after my degree, and I think I need to do some training to get back to work, as I've no work experience in my degree field - but not sure what kind of training would be the best.
I'm absolutely rubbish at housework, partly laziness but mostly inefficient, DH can tidy a room quite quickly, but whenever I do it it never looks finished. I am improving but it's not something I'm natural with!
And I have so many parenting issues, DC1 is so strong willed I'm really struggling to interact with them as it ends up being a battle of the wills each and every day.
I'm spending more and more time online to escape all the issues, but I'd rather tackle them and start enjoying life and motherhood again!
I realise I'm probably unreasonable because most people manage all these and more by themselves , but I'd love for someone to come and tell me what to do about it all, step by step... Not too much to ask, surely?

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 10/08/2016 19:54

Post on here :)

Specifics, details, info.

JeepersMcoy · 10/08/2016 19:55

Can you afford it? If so try one. I have considered it in the past and don't think there is anything wrong with asking for an outside point of view. I think sometimes friends and family will say what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear and someone who doesn't know you can bring a new objective view.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 19:59

I think you'd be better off not going online at all until your children were in bed, tbh. It's such a distraction and time flies. I think children are much easier to deal with if they know they have your full attention. I'm speaking from experience, here!

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:05

jeepers I haven't looked at the costs as I always thought they were solely about finding fulfilment in work! If a coach could help solve most of the issues, it might be an option, just didn't think they did house/parent stuff.

squirmy I have looked up some of the issues on here (without asking specifically) and found some good ideas to try but I still struggle to implement things especially when I'm tired and/or frustrated (which seems to be very often at the moment)

OP posts:
Lesley1980 · 10/08/2016 20:06

I had one 6 years ago as part of a show I was on. It's basically someone telling you what you already know but it's up to you to come up with the answers & change everything.

Your issues are in your post so look at them & try & figure out ways to change & stick. Bad at house work partly due to laziness so stop being lazy & get on with it. It doesn't need to be perfect. Stop avoiding your kids & Stop wasting time of your phone/tablet/laptop & using it to avoid your daily life. No one solved a problem by avoiding it. Deal with the issues as they come up, distraction, routine, consequences, entertaining.

What was your degree? Do you want to continue with that sort of work? What can you do to make your skills more up today? If you don't want to use your degree what do you enjoy? What suits family life?

You have the answers. Just need a kick up the bum to get going

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:07

imperial you're right, I think that needs to be my first step! I need to see if I can switch the Internet off between certain times (I seem to have no will power at the moment!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:09

lesley haha yep, that's exactly it!

OP posts:
Lesley1980 · 10/08/2016 20:16

Google SMART goals. My coach used to have me do SMART goals & other acronyms I can't remember

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:22

lesley thanks, will do that!
I think a lot of the problem is that what I dreamed I'd do with my kids and the reality are so opposite, and I don't know where it went wrong! And resetting our schedule and expectations of how the day will go seems like a lot of work, I don't know what is the first step! I think I need to sit down and write what my ideal day would look like and work towards that, instead of just thinking that I want something different.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 20:25

I think you're right, you need to look at what kind of day would suit you and the children. It has to be good for each of you.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 10/08/2016 20:36

My best friend is a life coach and fitness instructor. She's also a mum and wife and all round lovely person. Check out Claire Ashton Lifestyle Management on Facebook. She's based in Hertfordshire but does FaceTime /Skype etc.

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:40

imperial I'll start brainstorming tonight
blue I'll check out FB!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/08/2016 20:45

I used to take mine out twice a day - once for something I needed to do (eg shopping) - I did that in the morning after breakfast as they were at their best then. After lunch we did something like the park that they wanted to do. I found two trips tired them out and made things easier when they were home.

Have something prepared for at-home days, like baking, so that if it's raining you're not just stuck.

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 20:52

imperial we definitely need to go out more, as the kids just end up watching TV most of the afternoon. Which is polar opposites to what I envisioned our days to be!

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 10/08/2016 20:54

Coaching isn't advice or top tips. It's about you working it out for yourself with their support. If you can afford it I would absolutely have one, you may only need a few sessions

museumum · 10/08/2016 21:02

Tbh it sounds to me like you don't want to be a sahp.
Do you?

Personally I am a much much better mum to my ds when I work p/t. It allows me to really enjoy my days with him and not get frustrated. It helps structure the week and I'm actually more efficient in the house when I have less time and/or we are out more.

If you do want to work then look for a career adviser? Most good Unis will advise alumni.

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 21:11

museumum I've been thinking that recently, but don't know what type of job I want to do. I've also moved miles away from where I did my degree, so not sure how I'd go about getting in contact? I always thought sahm would be my dream but I'm finding it a lot harder than expected (especially as the kids seem to be real extroverts and I'm an introvert!)

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 10/08/2016 21:38

When I felt like this, I just timetabled my daily life!

Activities, chores, meals, going out, exercise, Internet/tv and time relaxing all went onto the timetable.
Sounds a bit anal but it really helped me get a balance back.

Also do activities with the kids and take them places that you enjoy too.

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 10/08/2016 21:43

passion I think I need to do that! Got stuck in a rut, and that would be a step forward!

OP posts:
abigwideworld · 10/08/2016 21:52

My old uni offer careers advice over the phone. I graduated two years ago and had a phone appointment with them the other day. They have also emailed me further links/advice!

Lesley1980 · 10/08/2016 21:55

Two kids under 4 is hard going. Dont think you are failing or doing anything wrong just because it's not picture perfect. Pick your battles. Something's just aren't worth stressing about.

I worked 60 hour weeks in a challenging, stressful job with a bellend of a director & I found that a walk in the park compared to a 3 & 1 year old who sometimes had me in tears.

Being a SAHM is not coffe & cake meet ups & Pinterest life everyone would make you believe.

InionEile · 10/08/2016 22:37

Sympathy for you here, OP. I am in the same boat. I've been talking about going back to work for a year now and 'somehow' it hasn't happened. It's partly lack of confidence now that I have had a nearly 5 year career break but it's also lack of motivation. The job I had prior to having children was in a company with a very negative atmosphere, lots of bullying and stress. I would dread going back into that kind of atmosphere after a few pretty tough years with 2 young kids.

I find SAHM life very isolating and depressing. It is really not for me and I never had any illusions it would be but we moved abroad to where I couldn't work for the first 3 years.Now I have permanent residence so could work but I can't seem to get myself focused! I can barely even remember where I left my wallet most days right now so actually going to a job interview and talking about professional work I used to do is very daunting.

Could you try volunteering for a while? I volunteered last year and it helped me re-focus my priorities and interests. I am also getting cognitive behavioral therapy right now to try and snap out of this negative mindset I'm in ('no-one would want to employ me, I wouldn't want to employ me, it's too hard, the workplace is too stressful' etc etc). I feel like I need a giant hand to swoop down from the sky and drag me out of the doldrums I'm in so a life coach would be great but you need to find one that is reputable, not just a rip-off scam.

Original poster
Letmesleepalready · 11/08/2016 04:06

abigwideworld that's interesting, might try and see what my old uni offers.

lesley thanks, I've definitely been in tears more often than I'd like! And I used to read those parenting blogs, but just had to stop as it just made me feel worse about my life!

inioneile sorry you feel the same! I'm also feeling that daunted feeling about returning to work, especially as it'll will be in a new area for me (having worked in retail during my studies) I have been thinking about volunteering, but there doesn't seem to be much weekend options around here (in my chosen field) and we couldn't afford the childcare for an unpaid role!

OP posts:
BlueTimesTwo · 11/08/2016 05:48

OK, first of all if you have two preschoolers and everyone is getting dressed and fed every day and washed occasionally, you are already doing a great job!

Here are a few suggestions that could help with getting out of the rut:

The most important one - every weekend make sure you leave the kids with you partner for at least an hour or two and go out for some "me time" - see a film, eat an ice-cream in the park, browse aimlessly in shops. I used to find this a good refresh, but the more overwhelmed I was feeling, the less likely I was to do it even though that's when i needed it the most.

Do one bit of housework in the morning (eg. clean the kitchen, do one load of washing) then go out. We used to aim to leave at 10am after a particular kids TV show finished and go...anywhere really, supermarket, park, activity.

I have a strong willed child and sometimes it helps to give them a bit of power. Treat them as if they are "big" and tell them you are putting them in charge of deciding whether to have X or Y for dinner, or that after they do what you want, they can choose a game for you all to play together.

Try to give them your undivided attention for a bit in the morning before they start playing up. I sometimes found if I'd given them positive attention they didn't go on to have tantrums and force me to give them negative attention.

Hope something here is helpful and makes it a bit easier for you.

KERALA1 · 11/08/2016 06:16

There are lots of life coaches round here. I started a small business and went to a networking thing for women and most were life coaches! One is brilliant - ex very senior ex hr and professional. She really helped my friend who after 2 dc was flailing and is now working in her dream job totally unrelated to her pre kids career. So can be of value.