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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to help DSis

44 replies

JamJimmyJam · 10/08/2016 16:21

I've name changed, although anyone who knows me will most likely figure out that it's me.

DH & I have one DS (6) who is Autistic, although he's six, he has the mental age of a 3 year old, he's non verbal, no awareness of danger, lots of sensory issues etc

DH & I do everything with him together as one person would just be physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted

We work full time and then in the evening when we get home we swap around, so one person entertains DS whilst the other cooks, then swap around again etc

DSis has 6 kids, the oldest is 11, the youngest is 4 months, her DH is pretty useless, he works full time but does absolutely nothing with his kids, doesn't put them to bed, help with their reading, goes to the gym in the evenings after work etc. DSis is always making excuses for him, it's like she has 7 kids.

As it's summer, DS has a childminder from 7:30-3 then my parents take DS for 2 days 3-4:30 and DH's parents take DS for 3 days 3-4:30 DH & I get home and do our evening routine.

DSis always wants to do family related activities every weekend, that would be great if she could handle 6 kids on her own in a busy environment, she can't and so she expects everyone else to help watch over her DC, they're not horribly behaved just regular excited children, they're aged 11,9,7,4,2 & 4 months

Because DH & I both go on these outings, she always expects help, we do try and help but it just makes the day so much more difficult for us, so we've turned down the past few outings, our parents never come along & have refused to babysit on a number of occasions.

I've just had DSis on the phone, complaining about all the support I receive with DS, how neither I nor our parents are willing to help her out, I understand things are difficult for her, but I can't do these outings, 3 adults with 7 kids, one who needs to be watched 24/7 isn't doable, the elephant in the room was that her own DH does shit all & is free on the weekends, but I knew bringing him up wouldn't help at all.

OP posts:

teacher54321 · 10/08/2016 17:46

The GPs help for a small amount of time three afternoons a week whilst the parents are out working. They are doing less than an entire day's childcare per week, the OP Is hardly placing massively unreasonable demands on their time. Both my DPs and ILs are very helpful lovely grandparents. Neither set would manage 6 lively uncontrollable children at a theme park for example. They just wouldn't be able to. I'm a teacher and wouldn't be keen.

minipie · 10/08/2016 17:49

You and your DH don't owe her childcare help.

Your parents don't owe her childcare help either... but... I do feel they are being unfair giving you help and not your Dsis.

However, obviously the real issue here is her waste of space DH. I kind of feel that you or your parents offering her help will only facilitate him continuing to do sod all. If you or GPs help her with a day out, he'll see it as her going out for a nice day with the kids & AuntieJam/GPs, whereas if she gets no help and can't go out then she can point out to him that the kids are losing out because he's so fecking useless. And the kids will be in his hair all day. Tough on the kids yes but if it wakes their father up it might be for the best.

Original poster

JamJimmyJam · 10/08/2016 17:51

Basket, pfb I don't think it's that at all, DS need 2:1 supervision when in busy environments, watching over my nieces & nephews detracts from DS' care, I want to have a relationship with them, it's why I offered to take 2 DC at a time at home & have put up with the outings for so long.

OP posts:

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 10/08/2016 17:52

The OP gets three hours childcare from her parents whilst she works. That's not a lot and presumably it's only due to the childminder not being able to have for the last 90 minutes a day. OPs not out for the day for fun, she's providing for her family.

Helping children out so they can work is very different to being expected to help a non working mother as she can't handle the number of children she's chosen to conceive.

Why should others have to give their time? They had no say in how many she had.

PurplePidjin · 10/08/2016 17:56

As a compromise, could you find a safer venue - park, smallish soft play, local museum or some such - and meet for an afternoon? Eg my local McDonald's has soft play, and a nearby museum has animals. No more than a couple of hours entertainment even for my 3yo but a much safer and more relaxed environment for all of you and a shorter period of stress

Fairylea · 10/08/2016 18:00

Op I think you are amazing to even consider taking your ds to busy places on a weekend with 6 other children. My ds has asd, dyspraxia and hypermobility and has a cognitive age of 2 despite being 4 and a half. He needs 2:1 supervision and busy weekend places are an absolute nightmare.

You don't need to help anyone out, sister and all. You have enough on your plate - a child with autism that needs constant supervision is enough to be worrying about. Dh and I have stopped worrying about upsetting people when turning down things for ds reasons. It's just tough to be honest and if they were any kind of decent people they would understand.

expatinscotland · 10/08/2016 18:02

Don't compromise. You already have! You offered what you can give. She wants it all on her terms. Tough shit.

Katinkka · 10/08/2016 18:06

I'd tell her she knew she was having six kids with a useless husband, you didn't know you were having a child with autism. I have three kids with autism and know how you are drained enough dealing with your own stuff. You can't be expected to help anyone else.

Six kids !

Fairylea · 10/08/2016 18:07

To be honest by refusing to go on these outings with her you're probably pushing the issue of how useless her dh actually is, which isn't a bad thing. Maybe she will put her foot down or ltb if he really is like a 7th child.

Danglyweed · 10/08/2016 18:19

My db got together with a woman who had 6 dc, theyve just had another baby. 'dsil' expects my mum to take days off etc to entertain her brood while they can swan off for 5 day festivals etc. I actually lost the rag with her when she was moaning she needed a break, she has my mum, her dc's df, her dm and 3 dsis on her doorstep and gets help whenever asked. I have 4 dc, we have no family here at all, I never ask my dp's to babysit etc but theyll take 2 of the dc at a time when they both have a few days off together, so maybe both sets get to go once a year or so.

Moral of my story is, my kids are MY kids, my responsibility. If we go out with friends with one, two, three or none, we certainly dont expect them to watch mine, infact I usually end up watching everyone elses., because I enjoy it.

Tell your dsis, to kindly fuck off

Dandelion6565 · 10/08/2016 18:21

She shouldn't have had so many children. Who can go out with six children!

I also struggle to find sympathy, there was a lady at the park today with twins, less than two years old. They had been bollocked for trying to get out of the gate. Mum was very angry with them and being a bit mean really ( I was sat thinking about how frustrating two year olds are) then she gets a baby from her car.....three under three, it's never going to be easy.

Amelie10 · 10/08/2016 18:25

I have zero sympathy for people who procreate over and over again with total wastes of space.

Agree with expat here. She really has no shame having the audacity to complain about a situation she created. And call her out about her useless husband, she should be made aware even if it achieves nothing that he is absolutely a pathetic parent. Then maybe she will stop complaining.

44PumpLane · 10/08/2016 18:25

No one makes a conscious decision to have a child with additional requirements, you do however make the decision to have multiple children with a man you know is useless with those children. Very very different scenarios!

If she'd had sextuplets or two sets of triplets then perhaps id say she deserved a hand. As it is, she kept going, it's her issue and I think she needs to deal with it!

Wolpertinger · 10/08/2016 18:28

I think you are a hero to even consider going on these family outings at all.

Just because she is your DSis you don't have to go - it's her choice, her family. You might want to do something entirely different. And not just because your child has SN.

Many parents wouldn't even consider taking a severely autistic child on that kind of outing, let alone every weekend. Besides which if both you and your DH work full time, when are you getting family time together to just mooch about or fix stuff in the house if you are forever roped into these outings?

Even if her DH was a superdad which clearly he is not, you don't have to go if the event doesn't suit your family. And it doesn't.

MrsHulk · 10/08/2016 18:31

I think you need to have a really straight conversation with her. Your son is autistic, he needs constant high level care - including 2 to 1 care in busy environments. You are simply not able to help with her children, or to cope without the help you get from your parents.

Bottom line is if she needs help with her children, she needs to look to her husband.

wizzywig · 10/08/2016 18:38

Op i too have a child just like yours (same age too) plus 2 others with milder learning disabilities. You could ask yr sis to do a swap. Youll take her 6 and she looks after yr child. You'll have a fab time. NT kids are so much easier

YelloDraw · 10/08/2016 18:43

Why the fuck did she have six children with a useless man child. She needs to take a bit off responsibility for her shit situation.

Original poster

JamJimmyJam · 10/08/2016 18:47

I do feel bad for her and I wish I could help, more for the sake of my nieces & nephews but we're just not in the position to do so. She's clearly at the end of her rope, which is why we put up with the outings for so long but it's reached a point where we can no longer do them

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2016 18:57

Just explain that your DC gets overwhelmed in such a large group so it's not a good idea to have all her DC and yours out together too often.

Why did she have so many children if she can't handle them?

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