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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to refuse to host this "party"

42 replies

OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 11:09

Dhs birthday this month. I'll start by saying that I'm half sure he agrees with me, as I'm not 100 percent of his stance (he's at work so hasn't told me much). It's dhs birthday this month. We didn't really have plans. We've had a crazy few weeks moving etc so it was bottom priority.
His co workers/friends (we'll refer to them as friends for ease) have "decided" they'll be coming over to get pissed with DH Hmm since its dhs birthday If he was up for it, as a once off I'd "allow" it. But. I can't bring myself to.
His friends have been awful to me, and sometimes to him too.
Not as bad to him, just not consulting him about plan changes leaving him standing about for 1hr before remembering they'd not updated him , a few arsey comments and the odd drunken tiff yes they're a pack of assholes however when I've accompanied Dh on work do's their treatment of me has been worse. By the way, I intend on invite (of the group/management) only. I have never turned up
Uninvited. Other partners have attended, too.
One lady he works with, right after I'd had a mc, sort of rounded on me outside of the pub we were at (waited for DH to go in, myself and lady were outside having a cigarette) started going on. First it was "I'm sorry for your loss" then it was "Dh name was so gutted" "he was so excited to do X y and z with the little one, and had even spoken to
Managers name about provisions for when you were due to go into labour. I'd never seen him so happy" like cheers love this is what I need 6 days after the fact Hmm
Another woman threw a drink down me because I asked her to lean over a bit (she'd
Moved into my seat, fine, but was blocking my phone, bag, drink and cigarettes so I needed to grab them) I had to ask 5 times before she moved, she then proceeded to
Pick her drink up and tip it backwards into me Angry
I can think of lots of examples.
All point down to general rudeness and cattyness and nastiness.
I've also had sexist comments made about me, which I thought was ridiculous. To the effect of get back to the kitchen... Strange as they're all chefs/back of house team O.o
Over to you MN jury, irrespective of Dh being up for it or not would I be U to refuse to have them in my home? The above is just a small sample of what's happened but at the end of each work do/event/party/outing I've been invited on (always go as Dh doesn't want to be alone- that's since stopped) I've gone home in tears...

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 10/08/2016 11:51

If your husband allows these people in your home after the way they've treated you then the lack of respect the man has for his wife is appalling.
You though need to be clear with him about that, if you sit on the fence and fly into a rage after the fact then you're being a plonker quite frankly. You text him and say, 'These people have gone beyond disrespecting me, I am not hosting them in my home at any time, but particularly while I am unwell. Do not give them our address.'

Then sit down, breathe and have a cup of tea.

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 11:52

No they are not cunts your Dh is not forced kicking and screaming to do these things. He continually goes out drinking with these people even though they have upset you. He is even letting you be aware they will be coming over to your home even though you are ill

Your placing all the blame on these people as your Dh has let you think they are some kind of unstoppable train, a force to be reckoned with, when in reality your Dh is an adult and capable of making his own decisions.

how old is your Dh?

The more I read the more it reminds me of Dh best mate wife who dispises Dh for leading her poor Dh astray. Dh was single and could go what he liked where his best mate was married. He blamed Dh for everything and she sucked it up - even when he got caught cheating Hmm

That1950sMum · 10/08/2016 11:55

I don't even understand why this is your decision to make.

If your DH wants them over then he says yes. If he doesn't he says no thanks.

If he wants to have them over and you don't like them you can go out.

Simple!

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 11:58

Dh is in his 30s.
Friends are between the ages of 22-36.
I'm not blaming them for everything.i know he's a pushover (as I've already said)
They are a sneaky pack of
Fucks and will always start up when Dh is elsewhere or preoccupied.
We've stopped out on work nights out (as said in op) I was asked along and went. I was never coerced I just got sick and tired of the crap treatment in the end and Dh agreed. I don't have many friends so it was nice to be able to have the chance to get dressed up and go out. Day to day I don't really
Talk to anyone except for Dh or my mum. Im ok with my own co workers but we just don't gel well socially and I'm not much of a social butterfly. I have a small pocket of friends I talk to every few weeks/month but never really see , which is partially why I carried on innhope attitudes would change or id get along with one or two of them and be able to block the rest out. That wasn't the case so I stopped going and so did Dh.

OP posts:
ComedyWing · 10/08/2016 11:59

What Dutch said. Your DH emerges as juvenile, easily-led and with insufficient boundaries from your posts.

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 11:59

I'm not going out so they can be in my home. I have nowhere local to go and am I fuck travelling 80 miles to my mums house so they can get pissed unhindered. Don't see why I should tbh.
That is not an option for me. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

OP posts:
Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 12:01

Easily led is a good way to describe it tbh. It took me pointing out that his birthdays/special events were just piss ups to them and they didn't care much about him (as is evident when they don't actually give a shit about what he wants to do and takes him to the nearest city, change plans at last min and not notifying him etc etc) for him to realise they aren't really friends, but he has no one else to go out with really so think he goes along with it for the sake of it tbh

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 10/08/2016 12:02

Are you going to tell him that oreo or just us? The sooner its dealt with then other arrangements can be made and you can relax.

ButtMuncher · 10/08/2016 12:03

If it's not an option for you then you need to make it abundantly clear that they will not be welcome in your home, irrespective of whether it's your husbands birthday or not.

If your husband then overrules you and invites them anyway, the problem isn't with the colleagues, it's with your husband - he needs to assert the boundaries to them. He can't do that unless you tell him straight that in no circumstance do you want them at your home.

FlyingElbows · 10/08/2016 12:03

Just say no. It really is that easy.

ComedyWing · 10/08/2016 12:04

Is he very young, OP? It sounds as if you need to be giving him parent-teenager-style lectures on peer pressure and bullying and being your own person!

Kitchen brigades are not often the nicest set of people, and in some kitchens there's a horribly incestuous macho/'bad boy' culture, even when women also work there.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2016 12:05

Why are you allowing this! They meet away from from your home, end of! They sound awful!

Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 12:06

havent really seen the point in saying anything if he agrees. Which he seems to. He's responded. Yay. No pack of wankers for me to contend with instead cinema and takeaway. Woo. :D

OP posts:
Original poster
OreosAreTasty · 10/08/2016 12:11

Comedy- makes me glad to be front of house, certainly.
I think it's because it's an easy career (to get into at least) so people behave like arseheads because they aren't worried about finding a new job or don't really need the job (lots of students doing it part time for extra cash). Dh has had the same team with the odd change here and there (1-3 people leave every year,
Some come back, new comers too etc). But unfortunately they're still assholes.

OP posts:
blankmind · 10/08/2016 12:12

Say a huge NO, absolutely not, no way, to anything at your place.

If he feels he has to socialise with them...Arrange to meet them in a bar, after 20 minutes have a friend call with some sort of "emergency" that you both have to dash off and deal with.
Leave his colleagues at the bar.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 12:32

Good - dodged a bullet there, OP! Will you be joining this spectacularly appalling set of wankers for your DH's birthday celebrations, or will you give it a miss?

Dutchcourage · 10/08/2016 13:27

Easily led is an excuse. He is a grown man ffs.

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