To spend 4 days and nights every week without child

[Qedwai]

I am asking this as I don't know how to advise one of my closest friends.

She is 26 and a Single Mum to a 2 year old. She has had Postnatal Depression since the moment he was born and it has never gone away (she is receiving treatment). She noticed a massive improvement when she went back to living with her family as she felt supported and less lonely but unfortunately her job there ended and she has managed to secure a job in the City she was living when she got pregnant and had her Son.

She has always felt completely overwhelmed by the job of looking after and entertaining her Son without any help and has always welcomed the days when he goes to his Dad's.Her Depression leaves her feeling very tired most of the time. So it's hard for her to effectively parent. Everyone agrees that it is best that she keeps custody of her Son, even if it is shared custody as it is clear that it is just the depression causing problems with her bonding and not that she is a bad Mother.

She now has a job offer with an 3 hour round trip commute, 4 days a week, which would leave her Son in childcare for a very long a day and would leave her tired and stressed with having to juggle long work days to come home to the night routine . Her Son's Dad has offered to have him for 4 days of the weeks that she is at work and have him overnight at his as he loves having him. He will then work the 3 days she has him.

She's wondering if there's anything wrong with that and I'm not sure how to advise her.

This is the plan for a year or so until she can secure accommodation nearer her Parents and have their support. Her Son's Dad would then move nearer to her.

She wants opinions as she says all she gets is 'I could never do that'. Even though she's not asking anyone if they could do it. She wants my opinion of this arrangement.

At the moment her Postnatal depression means that while she does miss her Son when he's away to an extent, she feels happier when he is not in her care.

Both her and her ex earn too much for tax credits and benefits to be affected by their arrangement.

So honestly, how do I advice her? Because I think it's a great idea, best of both worlds. My Partner on the other hand is horrified by the idea! But then he's not a Single Parent with no support network.

The child needs to come first.
He is the more stable parent.
Long term she may improve but maybe not . My sister never shook the anxiety after pnd, she is very medication reliant & her Dh is very much needed in the evening at home.

Woman I know moved away mon -fri after separating from her Dh as dd was happy here & her nursing Job required flexibility.
She has dd at weekends , he is doing a great job with lots of family support.

Your friend needs to be realistic about what she can actually provide for the child not what the social norms are.

I think she should take her time and decide herself.
I don't know what your relationship is but it looks to me like you want people to go 'yes def go for it' and to validate your decision. Apologies if that's not the case.

Sounds like a great arrangement. It is better there is some set up like this instead of her not coping. Better for her boy to have a good time with her three days a week and enjoy his dad four days a week if that's what works.

Please tell your friend at all times her boy will be with one of his parents. It does not matter how this is split. He will benefit from all that parent input and if it helps her stay well that is crucial.

Tell her not too look for a problem in the set up because it sounds great.

Rosie, the op states (in more than one post) that the father would move too so the mother wouldn't be taking the child away from anyone.

Sounds good to me. Nobody would bat an eyelid at a parent working away in the week if parents were together. The depression is almost a red herring in this situation as it is more about the practicality of long days in childcare.

I don't see the issue with her working away and sharing custody.

However could it effect any benefits she gets? Would she have to sign child benefit over to him.

The reason I am asking, is that if in a year the father decides he doesn't want to move or would like to keep this arrangement going if things are in his name or he is claiming wtc , he will have proof he is the parent that has the child the majority of the time.

What if he decides he is not willing to let her have their son the majority of the time.

The setup isn't a problem. Her not wanting to let it be official could be. Even if she moves home, the father may be the better majority parent of she doesn't improve.

I think this could (not definitely will) cause issues down the line.

She should take the job.

It sounds like a great arrangement. She should do it.
However if it works well then she needs to be open to the shared custody continuing. She should be expected to be OK living a distance from family if she's got her ex doing a fair 50/50.

It sounds like a happy and secure arrangement for all concerned. I'd go for it.

But I'd be cautious about how things will change when the child goes to school, or if either parent changes jobs, or if either parent decides they want more residency. These will be pitfalls, but if the parents are fair and reasonable, and keep the child's interests at the front of their minds, nothing should be insurmountable.

I just want to point out a few thing:
It is no longer custody it's called residency. This is important as it is not about who "has" the child but where the child lives. If the father is on the birth certificate then he will already have parental responsibility and regardless of where the child lives will have responsibility for ensuring the child's welfare and rights to be consulted (such as on moving or schools).
The starting place for residency is 50:50 if parents can manage this practically. If one parent has the child more than the other this can set a precedent.

But otherwise I would say go for it, but maybe seek a second legal opinion from someone with family law experience.

What on earth is there to be horrified about? The child will be in the care of it's father not some random stranger?

I get very fed up with this. I work away 3 nights a week. I have since I went back from maternity leave with my first child. My DH is a SAHD. The amount of people who question our arrangement but don't question the fathers I know who have a 2+ hour commute into London every day and only see their children awake at weekends is silly. As long as the child is looked after it doesn't matter how the parents manage it.

I would say well done to her for maintaining a good enough relationship with her ex that they can work this stuff out between them. Don't let other people's opinions get in the way of you doing what is right for you and yours.

This certainly sounds the best option for everyone right now..

What ever Dad says now may not be true in 12 months time..He may not be able to get a job to move even if he wanted to. She would be required to pay maintenance.Whats to say he won't get in a relationship...He will be the RP by virtue child is with him more that her.

I am not saying the rights and wrongs just if she is thinking long term she doesn't know how it will be and I wouldn't be happy to bring up a child 4 days a week then go to EOW...I can't imagine the dad would

The initial arrangement sounds very sensible.

The plans for later sound unfair to the little boy and selfish.

How is the father earning so much working 3 days a week?

Why would you and your husband, as friend and friend's husband, step in to "support her ourselves" instead of the child's dad?

I think something sounds odd - but not the idea that the child's dad, who is coping well and happy to have his son, has him 4 days a week - that part is totally fine.

The 3 day - 4 day split should stay in place long term though surely, for the sake of the little boy's stability - as much as possible should be kept the same surely? Constant change of living arrangements and child care (from 4 days with dad to 5 in nursery and what with dad - every other weekend?) is not in the child's interest.

As the father would now be the primary carer of the child your friend would be liable to pay child maintenance

My sister and her ex do 3/4 then 4/3 alternate weeks. The DC are happy and settled and used to having two homes. It works very well. They both work full time.

On paper it looks like a good solution but I would be wary of how she would feel if ex decides not to move further down the line then she could be stuck where she is permanently. Also, what if ex meets someone else? How would she feel if DS was spending a lot of time with new gf? What about parenting styles, are she and ex on exactly the same page? How will she feel if DS is upset at pick ups or drop offs? How much time have they had apart till now? It's great that age and ex are on the same page wrt long term plans now but these things can change and she could end up forfeiting her long term plans for the sake of the immediate future.

I share custody with my ex. They're with me 4 nights and him 3. It works fine.

I had crippling PND after number 2. I think you actually have to do whatever you have to do in order to recover and be a better parent. If she has plenty of support and ex is on board, this is a good option.

No-one would question a man working away 4 nights, why is this different.

And he might be the better option for residency, as far as the childs best interests are concerned.

What a great sensible solution that works for all 3! Happy Mum, Happy Dad & a Happy Child - perfect!

This sounds like a great arrangement for the child. But she needs to be aware that the precedent of shared care might not be as flexible as she would like if in the future she wants to become the primary carer. I suspect once the Df is used to having shared residency he is unlikely to simply relinquish this. But I don't think this is s bad thing and I would see this as an ideal set up tbh. My DH and I are pretty 50:50 parents although slightly different to your friend the principal is the same in that both parents have equal amounts to give a child. but I don't think it would be right either morally or legally to break this arrangement in the future when it suits her. If being near her family is that important to her I would suggest that she puts her efforts into that eg getting ANY job that enables her to do this.

I think working 4 days with heavy commute and then solo parenting a small child for 3 days will leave zero time/space/energy for recovery from PND. She will never really have any time when she is not working or responsible for her son.

She needs to focus on what is best for the child and her NOW which seems to be a very workable shared care arrangement.
When she is better she can make plans for what happens then , but for now she needs to deal with today ......if she doesn't handle today properly then she is risking getting ill and losing access so then moving with the child wouldn't be on the agenda. For now welfare of the child and herself must come first .
Tomorrow can be dealt with when it comes .......but she could probably do with broadening her social circle too and finding some friends who are supportive rather than judgemental.

Is not the default setting in a split 50/50 shared custody unless otherwise agreed?

THat's pretty much what this is. Maybe she should alternate 4/3 nights a week, but I see nothing odd in this.

What I find a bit odd is thinking she can change it a few years down the line when she's in a " better position". Why should that trump dad right to see his child and childs right to see dad?

If both parents are happy with it working that way, then it's of benefit to all 3 of them and she should do it. There's no use saying what might happen in a years time.

Right now your friend is unwell and this solution gives her time to recover, bond with her son and her son time with his father. Win win.

I have friend who sadly split up when their son was 2 years old. But.. Whatever they do together is with their son's interest at heart, even though both have moved on, have new partners/married/children. They share parenting, school meetings are done together. They both go to assemblies and school events with him. They are a young couple (mid 20's) but they are a fantastic example of how things can work out with no obvious hard feelings.

I'm not so naive as to assume this would continue when their small children get older. But they are certainly setting a good example right now.

The most important question is are both parents good, loving parents who have their child's best interests at heart? Lots of people work away from home and leave the children with the other parent. There is nothing wrong at all with that. Only your friend can decide if it's right for her and if it is then she shouldn't worry about other people. I got loads of shit for wanting to return to work when my dd was 9 months and people are horrified when I tell them dh will be taking the last 2 months of my maternity leave with this pregnancy. Dh wants to spend time with his child and im not great at staying at home. My baby will be 7 months when i return to work. I'm a teacher so I can juggle my time more flexibly than most. With my dd, dh and I alternated picking her up at 4pm so that she wasn't at nursery the whole day and we will do the same this time. It meant that I had to do more in the evenings but I managed it and it was right for me and my family.

Nothing wrong with making her ex the resident parent. After all there is no law which says the RP has to be the mother. And essentially if he has the DC four nights a week then that makes him the main carer.

However there is everything wrong with making this on her terms and deciding at some point she will be moving away with the child or taking over the role as resident parent. The child's interests should be foremost in everyone's minds here, and a child at two is different to a three, four, school aged child who will have school etc to consider.

If she makes this arrangement now then IMO it should be with the view to it being a permanent arrangement, not just until she decides otherwise.