Arguing with my mum. Can I break her stuff?

[Dancedog]

Long time reader first time poster. I'm aware that this sounds like an awful soap opera story line but it's sadly true so please bear with me.

Background first , my mum and I have had a very up and down relationship. She wasn't the a great mum when I was a child. I lived with my dad and only saw her once a year. My dad died and I went to live with her in my pre-teens. We argued a lot I was a typical teen. She also reacts like a teenager, she can be fine until something doesn't go her way and then she will shout and slam doors and she can sulk for days. I also had a role in the family business which my mum owns we have different idea on how to handle things which meant we spent a lot of time together but fought more as well.

In my early twenties I gained some inheritance and bought my own home which gave us some much needed space. I also gained some shares in the business which gave me more control and our relationship improved. I also married my DH. DH tolerates my mum for me and is always polite and kind to her but he doesn't like her much as he doesn't like the way she treats me sometimes.

So to now I am over 7 months pregnant. My mum is excited for the most part. However I am really struggling with sickness and back pain and I have had to really reduce my work hours.

My mum call at our house Sunday lunchtime saying she needed me to sign some paperwork. When she got here she actually had a cabinet and some drawers with her in the back of one of our work truck. I asked her why and she said that she needed us to store them for her. I told her we didn't have room. She started shouting saying that we had to take them as she needs the worktruck for another job. I told her she shouldn't be using the work truck for personal things anyway especially if it's needed for another job.

She started crying so DH helped her unload the truck and we told her we would leave them outside in our yard till Sunday night and if she didn't move them DH was going to break them down on Monday morning and use them for firewood as we are fed up of her dumping things on us and expecting us to sort it out. She said we were being unfair and she was never speaking to us again. She left the stuff on our yard and drove off.

So this morning they are still outside. We called her and she didn't answer. So DH moved half the stuff into our garage. My mum arrives at lunchtime without the work truck whilst DH had popped to the shop and started screaming because she thought we had broken her stuff and burnt it.

I tried to explain to her that we hadn't broken her stuff yet but she has to move them now. She didn't have the truck and wanted us to hold on to them. I said no. She told me that she hated me and the baby and its my fault for reducing my work hours. I told her to calm down and she pushed me and I fell and landed on my bum. I stood and walked away from her back into the house.

I think she pushed me on impulse rather than to deliberately hurt me as when I fell she looked terrified when it dawned on her what she had done and she said sorry instantly.

She shouted sorry at me through the window until DH arrived. He asked her what had happened and she told him she had made a horrible mistake and she wasn't sure I was ok and that I would never forgive her but she was sorry then she left.

I am upset. Her stuff is also still on my yard. So would I be unreasonable to break down her stuff (with DHs help) or would that be petty and probably make a bad situation much worse.

I would now get DH to return the furniture to his MILs house.

No, I would not break anybody's stuff. However (and I am 7 months pg) if anyone pushed me, if I didn't have nothing more to do with them afterwards I am pretty sure DH would insist on it.

Your mum's behaviour is not normal at all, and it's a shame but she needs help with that, and you need to exit this volatile relationship with her.

People often talk crap about blood thicker than water and family being family and must forgive and it's your mum (and the classic I lost my lovely kind wonderful mum so I think you should cherish your abusive horrible nasty one

Yes I hate this^^ argument!

Fwiw, I actually have lost my lovely, lovely, kind mum who died a few years ago, aged 59 and I still think the op should go no contact, at least for a while.

You need to get out of the working situation with her and find a new job you also need to take a break and having nothing to do with her for a while. Obviously this behaviour is not an isolated incident and you need to think about what will happen when you have dc here witnessing the behaviour. Is that what you want them to learn, that's it's ok to shout and threaten and push people in anger? I would have your dh contact her and tell her not to contact while he delivers the furniture back. And look after yourself, get checked out then rest and give yourself and your baby some peaceful time. Stress hormones are not good for either of you, another reason to put your mum out of your mind!

The furniture isn't the real issue here. And no, of course you shouldn't break it. Return it if still not collected, yes.
I'd be more concerned with extricating myself from relationship with her and the business.
Hope all is well by the way (thinking of visit to doctor)

I would put the furniture on ebay, buyer collects, and tell her. You will have to give her the money, but you can deduct a fee for housing the stuff and for advertising it etc.

If you're going to carry on with your current employment - and I imagines you are as you have shares in the company - you will need to find a way to be OK with her (and her with you). I have no idea how you can do that after being pushed over. While pregnant.

Time for no contact. She sounds very reactionary and I think she also preplanned this to wind you up and have fight, which is cruel when you're heavily pregnant. Let your hospital know you don't want calls/ visits from her when you are have the baby. It's possible she's escalating abuse the more pregnant you get.

I would get DH to contact her in writing and give her a set time, say 10 days to collect the furniture, and if she doesn't, tell her you will dispose of it. I wouldn't break it though-if its decent furniture see if there is a charity nearby that will take it, where I am there is a charity supporting abused women setting up home after leaving abusive partners and they accept furniture donations (unless its sofa or chairs, they have to have kite marks). May as well get some use out of it.

Meanwhile, like everyone else, I think you have a far bigger issue to deal with. What do you get out of continuing a relationship with her? It sounds like nothing at all, so why bother? Why waste your time and energy on her? I'd spend the next few weeks working out the best way forward dealing with the business and extricating myself from it, or getting advice on how to get her out of it.

Oh I don't know. It sounds like you had a verbal contract (of sorts) that you would watch her stuff until Monday, and then would dispose of it (by breaking/burning) if it's not collected. She came round on Monday (ignoring the physical abuse - hope you are ok ) and didn't collect her stuff, so presumably is ok with it going? (Ignoring the fact she's not ok with it.) Why does she need to give another deadline to say, essentially, the same thing again: give a date, then the stuff will be disposed of?
I should point out that I'm too much of a chicken to do this IRL

If you do have transport that you can access, I think dumping it back on her property would probably be the best thing to do, then go NC.

That must have been a horrible shock OP and you might still be in shock so take it easy.

Sounds like whatever it was that made her unable to mother a small child didn't get dealt with and so you being about to become a mother is setting her off and she's detonated beyond her normal level of outburst. Not your problem though and I hope you get the right distance and protect yourself. Take it as a warning of the kind of acting out she'll do as GM, sadly, until she gets help.

If it was me I'd want the stuff off my yard asap too. Hope that happens soon

Your mum sounds a bit unstable at the moment. Menopause issues, perhaps, if it is worse than usual? Or just longstanding general mood swings/mental health issues? I wouldn't exacerbate things further by destroying the furniture. I would talk to her about what happened with you, and see if you can persuade her to get some help. I discovered that I had gone into the peri-menopause after a couple of minor out-of-character aggressive incidents. I went to the doctors and was put on anti-depressants. I also had a bit of counselling. Things very quickly levelled out, and I was able to function in a more normal, responsible way again. I'd say, avoid her if she is unwilling to sort herself out; and be cautiously supportive if she is responsive to doing so. As to the furniture, just hang on to it for now if you can. It is the least important thing.

This woman is not a person to have around a child. Tell her as she attempted to hurt your child, she has lost all grandparent privileges and that you don't want to see her again.

Drop the furniture on her front lawn. Flip her off as you drive away.

"we are fed up of her dumping things on us and expecting us to sort it out."
So this isn't the first time she's pulled this stunt?

Sounds like you have more of her stuff at your place. Book some moving men in her name, get them to take it to her place at a time when you know she's there and let them stick her with the bill. Don't let her near your baby.

1. She sounds like she has mental health issues.
2. Therefore do not escalate the situation as she is unpredictable.
3. Get DH to put the furniture outside her front door.
4. Go onto maternity leave, if necessary guilt her saying the fall has left you unwell.
5. Never any unsupervised contract. Have DH with you if she wants to visit or see the baby. Actions must have consequences.

Thank you for your replies.
The baby is perfectly fine.
My mum is never really been physical before however she frequently acts like this and has done for as long as I have known her.

I didn't see her much as a child because she didn't really want to see me. I'm still now sure why. I lived the other side of the country with my dad and she was always too busy with the business so she never visited us. I used to go for a week in the summer holidays.

She is excited about the baby but more the idea of it I think. She has bought it little outfits and mentioned it being in the business when it's older but she has never mentioned looking after it or even visiting. Though I wouldn't have left the baby alone with her anyway.

I have thought about leaving the business before but it also has family ties. My nanna (mums mum) started it and I really wanted to keep it alive for her. I couldn't buy my mum out and I don't think she would let me anyway.

Serious chat needed with your mum, but I wouldn't see her alone if I were you. Dump her crap back at hers, she could get police involved if you break it up (criminal damage) or sell it-civil matter.

I think your DH needs to talk to her, not you.

I don't think you can let this go easily OP. Sentiment and circumstances and pressure might conspire to let time flow on and forget about this, more or less. But I don't think you should. This could have ended very badly.

She physically attacked a 7 month preg woman with enough force to floor you.

I think you really do need to report this to the police. Apart from anything else she needs a very strong shock to make her realise this was absolutely wrong and a very dangerous action. People like to brush uncomfortable things under the carpet and actually, this was serious violence.

It must have been a terrible shock, very glad that the baby is fine.

Take the rose tinted glasses off. If this were any other work environment would you tolerate the way you have been treated? NO!
I'm sure your Nana wouldn't want you to put up with this just to keep the business going in her memory.
Sell your shares. Get DH to drop the furniture off outside her house. Get another job after maternity leave. Seriously consider reporting her for assault and go no contact. If the business idea is that good it can stand a little competition and perhaps you could start up for yourself.

Thank you for your advice.
DH borrowed a friend's van and moved the stuff onto her yard whilst she wasn't there. She hasn't attempted to contact us.

Glad you've returned her stuff to her. Did you tell your midwife that your mother assaulted you? Like other posters I really think you should seriously consider not allowing your mother any contact with your baby.

I think you need to plan very carefully how you're going to handle being around her for the business now. Even think if you want to stay in it or not. As a PP said, would your Nana really want you to stay in these circumstances, given her daughter/your mother assaulted you at 7 months pregnant? That truly is shocking.