AIBU to consider selfishly taking this work opportunity?

[ElodieS]

I've just been offered a really great work opportunity, which I'd love to take. It will include a month of working in NYC (I'm in London), and coming home Friday-Sunday when possible. I've always been quite career-minded and have worked very hard to progress fairly quickly. Basically I'd love to take it but would obviously miss my family and I'm worried about the impact it would have on DDs at a time of fairly big upheaval for them anyway.

I have 4 y/o twin girls with CF and am 21 weeks pregnant with DC3. I'd be going to New York when DDs are 3 weeks into Reception, and might be at risk of infection as well as the usual starting school stuff, and I'd be 25 weeks pregnant. DP is very supportive but has a responsible job himself. He's been looking at moving firms for a while and has suggested that if I want to take this opportunity he could resign asap and take gardening leave/career break until the baby arrives.

There's a part of me who thinks that would be awesome and the ideal solution, and another part who thinks DDs need both their parents around at the moment and throwing more disruption into the mix would be really unhelpful.

AIBU to consider taking the really selfish option?

It's highly unlikely that private medical insurance would cover you for overseas travel. Additionally you'll likely need fit to fly letters post 28 weeks.

Your UK private health policy will not cover you in NYC. You need proper US insurance that will cover you for any checkups you need while you're away as well as any emergencies (or your employer to commit to paying for them out of pocket). Even, say, a scan to check you out if you have minor bleeding would cost a couple of thousand dollars if you pay out of pocket. If your employer has a travel insurance policy, that may work, but you need to make sure it covers pre existing conditions (eg your pregnancy) and exactly what they cover - for example, if you had an infection and needed antibiotics, would they cover that or is it emergencies only?

How certain is it that your DH can get another job? It may be risky if he can't get one quickly just at the time you're on mat leave.

One of your DDs getting ill in the first term is pretty likely, but ill enough for Hospital - less likely (even with CF) - at least for a long stay. Just make sure your DH has back up - although neighbours/other parents can be great. I badly sprained my ankle 1 month into my eldest's first term and other people took him too and from school for me until I could make it myself.
Check out emergency babysitters/nannies too just in case.

But then go for it!

Could he not take parental leave instead? Seems a bit drastic to resign without another role lined up.

I know it isn't your intention, but framing this as "selfish" perpetuates the idea hat mothers need to be 100% selfless, all the time, even when their partners are completely fine with it and the work opportunity is clearly one worth taking.

I'd go for it. Does DH have other support if one Dd ends up in hospital? Have they been in nursery prior to reception if so this might reduce risk of illness. One thing that might put me off is the pregnancy. Make sure you insurance will cover you up to return inc all eventualities inc birth/need for scbu/nicu. Coat of DH and DDs flying out there if needed and accodation costs in case of extended stay. Will you feel up to several transatlantic journeys and jet lag when you are 30 weeks pregnant.

Thanks bike and fuego, I've started looking into the medical insurance today, I'm hopeful that my work would cover it since it's a big international firm, but they may have second thoughts about sending me when they realise how much it could cost them! Fingers crossed not!

As for DH's job, I don't anticipate it being an issue but if needs be he could probably take 6 months off and we'd be fine on my salary/mat pay. I'm also getting the strong impression that DH is fairly fed up with his job and keen to take a break and spend some time with DDs whilst thinking carefully about his next move, which is fine by me. I appreciate we're incredibly lucky to have these choices.

No intention at all the perpetuate that assumption deadgood, but I think it's fair/understandable to acknowledge that this decision would be mostly about me, rather than the rest of my family. That isn't necessarily a bad thing of course!

owls, yep, they've been in nursery for two years and they've both been pretty well over the last year with only a couple of hospital stays between them. Long may it continue, although I am anticipating the start of school being a tricky time for them in terms of infection and routine etc.

Elodie, how would you feel if your DH never went back to work and became a SAHD? Because I know a lot of people where partners took a career "break" for young child/getting head together/thinking properly about the future. Almost none of them went back to work.

It's fine if you're happy with that, and your DH is as well. But I wouldn't risk it.

BikeRunSki "a husband wouldn't even ask"

Is that a serious comment?

A cracking generalisation if it is.

It seems unlikely Juggler, but I wouldn't be automatically against the idea. I'd certainly want to have a conversation about it, but I can't really imagine it just becoming an unspoken inevitability IYSWIM, that just isn't how our relationship works...

Agreed fulltime... my DH certainly would consider the impact on his family and we'd made a joint decision.

It's a super exciting opportunity, Elodie, if you can get your maternity insurance guaranteed, I'd jump, jump, jump at the chance. I work in NY loads, totally love the city.

Sorry, but I'm always a voice of dissent on threads like this. I don't think its the best idea to do this when you have two very little ones. And, before anyone jumps at me, I wouldn't encourage a man to do this either. Four weeks is a long time in the life of a child, and they may be very upset and confused about where their mummy is. In some jobs, like the army, it is essential for parents to be abroad without their children, and that's essential for food to be put on the table. If you can manage to get by without leaving your children, then I think you should stay with them and be there for them. 4 year olds are so little and need their mummy, and when you have children, you sometimes have to put your own desires behind the needs of the children.

I work for a large international company and our travel insurance does not cover us to travel after 20 weeks. Definitely check all the fine print on this.

Could DH take unpaid leave instead of resigning?

Check and double check your insurance situation, and understand what it would mean to give birth in NYC (financially, practically and emotionally, probably without DH in an emergency situation)

You could also hire a temporary nanny nothing is surmountable however being pregnant world be the issue for me. I was given the opportunity to work in another country for six weeks I really regret not doing it.

The DTs will be fine. I'd be more worried about the pregnancy side of things. I live on the East Coast of the US. DC2 'cost' around $60,000 when he arrived early via emergency c-section. My friend has a DC she calls 'the quarter million dollar baby' due to his extended stay in the NICU... IME, no one makes allowances for being pregnant here if you're working. You'll still have to pull the same hours, more so if the NYC office has a long hours culture. And find an OB/GYN ASAP. People plan to conceive around when the top OBs are free. You may well struggle to find someone who will take you on partway through. There will be a way around this, but it will cost you. A lot. All that said, NYC is a great city and if you're coming towards the end of the summer, temps will be starting to drop. Good luck!

This is a fantastic opportunity, it sounds as if you have a fantastic family and you and your DH have a plan and are in full agreement. In fact, it sounds as if you both think this is a great idea - and there's no reason why its not. Go for it if that's what you want to do and absolutely don't feel you shouldn't - your DDs will be with a loving parent and they will all enjoy spending time together. Of course you will miss them - and them you - but it's for a short period with huge benefits for you and the whole family. Prepared to be knackered at times in your pregnancy but then...

Your DDs will be fine, there's support if your DH needs it, and all of you only benefit from having a fulfilled family.

YANBU. Go for it, enjoy, and good luck.

Maybe a stupid question, but what would happen if your DH's current employer didn't put him on gardening leave but required him to work out his notice? Or are you certain that this wont happen?

I think you should go (as long as suitable medical insurance is available). My dh recently has a drastic career change. He has gone from being home everyday at 4.30 to coming home on weekends only. He will also have to work away for a large portion of the year, starting just after our dd starts reception. He won't be able to come home on weekends from this part of his job. I have put my career on hold for now to support this. He is much happier, and as a result is a much better father. I am very proud of him. If he hadn't taken the opportunity for the sole reason that he worried how dd would cope I would be quite insulted, I will hold the fort, we will Skype and it's not forever. We will miss him but I would hate for him to spend his life thinking 'what if...?'

I would go. I understand your concerns about your DTs (I have a DD with CF). It is difficult not to feel guilty (I am also in a similar boat regarding work and DH) but this is sounds like a really positive thing for the family. I'd go for it (subject to the insurance point).

www.cipd.co.uk/hr-inform/employment-law/family-friendly-flexible/parental-leave/default.aspx

Given both DC have cystic fibrosis, could he take unpaid parental leave?

What is he like with physio, meds, food etc?