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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my foot down and tell DH he's being a nob?

42 replies

UmbongoUnchained · 08/08/2016 09:40

Baby 2 is due end of year and I'm not going to breast feed so will be using bottles and formula.
I will be going back to work after a month and my husband will be staying home with baby and toddler.
We've had a row about the night feeds. He wants to do half as he wants the time bonding with the baby. Only problem is he has epilepsy and a disturbed nights sleep really increases his chances of having a seizure through the day. I know this as when he went through a stressful patch and wasn't sleeping properly he was having a seizure or more every day.
I understand he wants to help but he will have plenty of time to bond with the baby in the day and is rather him he be fit and well when looking after the kids. He thinks I'm being over protective and unfair.

Please tell me I am being reasonable and he is being a penis.

OP posts:

nightandthelight · 08/08/2016 14:29

A BBC piece about epilepsy terminology :)

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lincolnshire-29719260

HeddaLettuce · 08/08/2016 15:11

*HeddaLettuce can you explain to me the problem with "epileptic"

It's when you call someone "AN epileptic", you're making their identity about their condition. You wouldn't call a child "an autistic" or similar. We don't like to define people by the condition as its just a small part of who they are. It's also got some historical connotations that are less than savoury. Up until relatively recently being classed as "an epileptic" was enough reason to be incarcerated for life in an institution, for one thing.

HeddaLettuce · 08/08/2016 15:12

I'm sure there are lots of stay at home parents who experience seizures, who don't actually have a choice where to leave their baby, so it's ridiculous to say that 'you'd never leave your baby' with them

Not if they are uncontrolled. If you had uncontrolled epilepsy and had a baby, you'd be mad to just get on with it as if there is no risk. There is a lot of risk, and you would accept all the help you could get.

picklypopcorn · 08/08/2016 15:32

HeddaLettuce thanks, that's really helpful :) I asked my sister if she finds it offensive because I was really worried I'd upset her and not realized it! She laughed at me and told me about a week ago my Mum asked her the same thing about the term "brainstorm". My sister refers to her seizures as "spaz attacks" though so she's probably not the best person to consult on this (BTW, she doesn't mean any offense by that, I think it normalizes the condition for her and makes her feel better somehow?)

She did say though that she feels worse when people tread on egg shells around her and assume she'll take offense at things she doesn't really care about, it makes her feel less like herself and by the nature of them assuming she's offended, means they are treating her as her condition rather than as a person. Different options for different people I guess :)

MrsWorryWart · 08/08/2016 15:33

If you read my whole post, you will see I suggested this alongside advice from a GP/Specialist.

And you're missing the point that not everyone will be offered support. I'm not suggesting that they'll refuse support.

HeddaLettuce · 08/08/2016 15:36

Everyone is different, pickly, I suppose you just have to go along with the majority and hope for the best. I don't find it offensive, I just think that there are better choices of words. I do know people who find it very offensive though

uglyflowers · 08/08/2016 15:47

I hate people saying the word 'fit' though bizarrely my son's paediatrician does. It smacks of Victorian mental institutes.

uglyflowers · 08/08/2016 15:51

Btw, Ds1 has epilepsy and I am the most 'you can do anything' person in the world but you are right not to encourage him to miss out on his sleep. I used to do night shifts in Royal Mail and this girl came in as a temp. At about three in the morning she fell back and had a seizure. Unfortunately the floor in the sorting office was thick concrete. She cracked her skull and there was blood everywhere. It's just one of those things that people with medical conditions such as epilepsy need to be careful about.

picklypopcorn · 08/08/2016 15:55

uglyflowers i used to work as a HCA in the NHS and the word "fit" was commonplace for a seizure.. that was only 4/5 years ago. When my sister was diagnosed she had a seizure in the MRI suite and the radiographer shouted "Can you go and get some help, she's fitting". That was only 2 years ago.

HeddaLettuce thanks for the info, it's always good to be aware of these things :) I'd never have known either of those words were offensive to anyone so I'm glad I've found out before I inadvertently upset anyone :)

I also didn't know grand and petite mal have fallen out of use either, DSis uses both of these too although the smaller seizures she does tend to refer to as absence seizures and the full on thing you'd describe as a "fit" she has started calling global seizures. Thankfully she hasn't had either for over a year now :)

Original poster

UmbongoUnchained · 08/08/2016 16:53

We call it " throwing a wobbly."

Other thing he also needs to realise is, as I'm at work all day, night time is my time to spend some alone time with the boy.

OP posts:

FeckinCrutches · 08/08/2016 17:14

My husband suffers from a certain form of epilepsy which gets worse when he's tired. He dropped/chucked our baby on the floor one night during an episode and we had to take her to A&E. It was a shock for everyone one involved and he's had his meds changed now.

KitKat1985 · 08/08/2016 17:32

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable exactly, it's just a tricky situation. Him being sole carer of a young baby is a risk with his epilepsy, so I think it's sensible that he takes every sensible precaution he can to prevent him having seizures, and if that includes getting enough sleep then that's what needs to happen. I do wonder how you are going to cope though going to work all day and then being up large chunks of the night doing night-feeds.

Original poster

UmbongoUnchained · 08/08/2016 17:52

I'll be fine.

I'll see how he goes, if he struggles then we will hire a nanny I guess. He'll be gutted but it's tough shit I suppose!

OP posts:

Foffyouwanker · 08/08/2016 19:35

Can you work out a sensible compromise? Eg he does 9pm to midnight, you do midnight to 7am?

Owlytellsmesecrets · 08/08/2016 19:52

Ds2 has epilepsy and autism. TBH you can call him what you like he won't understand.
We do use the term seizure because our DD gas hissy fits so seizure is more descriptive when needing help from DD or DS1.
Epilepsy can be well controlled with drugs but there are occasions when thing go wrong. You DH knows he has problems if sleep deprived so you need to tell him this is the reason why and it's for everyone's safety.
My DH has MS and if sleep deprived he becomes more wobbly and is more likely to relapse. I did all the night feeds and now DS2 wakes 3am as that's his 'morning' ... I hate autism!!!.... I still get up and sit with DS ... It's tough luck ... I need a fur and healthy DH more than I need sleep!!!
Congratulations on the new baby ... I'm sure DH will be fine if he dies as he is told.

Oh .. Previously poster talking about names... I would say my child is autistic because he is .... His illness does define him. Autism makes my child behave the was he does. I do say he has epilepsy though ... Strange !

HeddaLettuce · 08/08/2016 19:55

Yes but you wouldn't say he was "an autistic" . It's like a table or a chair, its dehumanising.
But I'm not the name police, its just my opinion.

Original poster

UmbongoUnchained · 08/08/2016 20:00

He usually goes to bed around half 11 so I think that would be ok. He needs a good 7 hours really to be completely fine the next day. I do feel for him. He's had his driving license taken away because he had a bad few months so that will be difficult for him getting out and about with them. I actually function better on little sleep. If I have a full nights sleep I feel like shit the next day

OP posts:

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