Aibu about limiting time with grandmother?

[UpsyDaisy23]

Sorry this is so long , I'll be grateful for any advice ,even if I am being unreasonable! Bit of background info,I've never ever been close to my mum and I moved out of her house at 14(so did my younger sister but that's another story!).She refused to let me see my siblings once I'd moved out and I took her to court but she repeatedly didn't turn up so I gave up.
She made contact when I had my first girl at 17 and since then has actually been quite helpful. She's a better Nanna than a mum.For the last year she has had my girls (7&5)twice a week because they go to a school in her hometown and it helps me out a lot,but the last few months she's made excuses again and again not to bring dd1 home and it got to the point dd1 was staying for 4 nights a week.She'd never tell me if any of the girls got party invites or anything until the day of the party and then she'd tell the kids that I'd not taken them to friends parties AGAIN.She is really friendly with all the school staff because me and my siblings all went there and she is always calling them by their first names and acting confused as to why I don't know who she's on about,she contacts them on Facebook too to try and prove me wrong about stuff like school holiday dates and such. She never admits she's wrong.
Anyway the problem is she has never had Ds1 on her own and anytime I ask her to babysit/see him she always says no because 'he hates me' and that he's too young but she happily takes my cousin (her niece) out regularly who is the same age (2)and I keep saying that he'll never get used to her if she doesn't make an effort with him. She's always taking the girls on days out and he's starting to realize he's being left out.Last week she took the girls and my cousin (her niece) to the circus,when I realized my cousin would be there too I asked whether she was taking ds1 and she got huffy and hung up. I text her saying that is the very last time the girls get a treat from her unless ds is also involved . So she said fine she'd take him to the soft play this week. Then today she's decided that on Thursday she wants to take the girls to a climbing wall and ds to a soft play (all in same place) BUT that I have to go with them to watch ds in the soft play whilst she goes with the girls. I said I can't because I'm actually meeting a friend but that I'd ask their dad to go and she's proper kicked off saying 'it's not good enough 'she's not going with him and if I don't go then she's cancelling and I have to give her the deposit money she's paid 🙄
I'm really upset he is such a loving little boy and I don't know why she wouldn't want to spend time with him ! So now I've backed down and said I'll go and watch ds at the soft play even though the whole point was for the kids to be treat equally ... My question is would I be unreasonable to try and limit the amount of time we all spend with her ? I always feel undermined and it's obvious that she is only in contact with me to see the children,for example she's had bbqs and invited the girls and all my siblings but told me and my husband that the invite into her home only extends to the kids.The girls are always telling me I'm wrong about things and that I'm a liar because Nanna said something differently. I really do appreciate the help she has given me in the past year but if she isn't willing to make an effort with my youngest then I don't really want her help anymore . AIBU?

Yanbu at all. Your mum sounds damaged and damaging. Her possession over your dds is unnerving and the favouritism that excludes your son stinks.
I advise reducing the disproportionate amount of time your girls spend with her with immediate effect.

I would have ripped her anew one about the party invites, after the second time she wouldn't be having the girls any more. I would have been driving round to pick my daughter up.

I get grandparents are reluctant to take younger ones, my own in laws will happily take my kids in primary school but won't take the youngest who is 3. Fair enough but expect them to take him when he's 5 and in school too if they have the others. Do t think this is your issue though,

Your mother is actively damaging your relationship with your children. She is actively damaging them. She is playing game sand yes I do think her long time goal would be to have them reject you. Maybe so she could have them, but if not it could be being done just so that you couldn't.

She doesn't take an active interest in your DS because that doesn't suit her plan or she will set him up to be the evil one who gets all your attention to further drive a wedge between your Dds and the rest of the family.
Stop all contact now, never mind limiting it.

Why do you let your daughter stay 4 nights a week with a woman who treated you so badly you had to leave at 14?

I'm sorry to say this (genuinely, I am, my mum was useless too) but she's not a good gran.

I think, really, you must know this.
You've come very far to forgive her to this extent, when you are still young yourself, but forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget what a person is capable of.

Its concerning how you think you might be the unreasonable one here.

Your mother is very much in control of you, it sounds like she is very very very manipulative and is slowly turning your DDs against you. Your mother is using your DDs to replace you and your sister, in her eyes she is the mum not you. I have no idea how you could possibly let it get to this point, her leaving your DS out is probably best in the long run because you need to get your DDs the hell out of there before this gets any worse.

Where is your partner in all of this? Has he not picked up on any of this?

Stop letting her turn your dc against you.

in her eyes she is the mum not you

I'm afraid that's the vibe I got from reading your post too. Seems like she wants a second bite of the cherry and has manipulated things so that your girls will provide it for her.
She sounds deeply manipulative and good at getting her own way too.

Out of interest, why did you leave home at 14?

I don't know why you are thinking of limiting time, you should cut contact. She is turning your daughters against you. I certainly wouldn't let her be doing the school run.
Why aren't your DC in a school near you ?

Daisy...why the name change part way along your thread ?

Sounds horribly manipulative and reminds me of a few people I know , some acquaintances who seem to really favour little girls because of their cutesy can be dressed up like little dolls factor . My DB and DSIL are foster parents and had a beautiful little boy and girl (siblings) in their care whilst permanent adopters were found. They were 3 and 2 (boy eldest). The little girl was really cute ,very pretty little thing and always attracted lots of coo-ing etc when they were out. Several prospective adopters fell through and said they would have had the little girl but not the boy for various reasons. The little boy was a handful , was reported back more than once but it was plainly obvious that he was (understandably imo) very jealous of his sister and all the attention she got and he was therefore playing up. For example when they visited me , the second the little girl came over to me or anyone ,he'd be there in a flash trying to barge her out the way and so on and get the persons attention and if you told him not to push his sister like that (or whatever)he would have a meltdown. The more this happened (and I could see why it put people off even though I knew the background) the worse his behaviour got ,so it was a vicious circle. In the end they were successfully adopted together by a couple who could see this behaviour for what it was and were able to deal with it effectively instead of compounding it.

But it never ceased to amaze me how people we met when out with them, would make a beeline for the little girl and gush over her and say how beautiful she was and her hair was gorgeous and blah blah whilst her brother stood next to her completely ignored.

Op she is toxic and manipulative, and is using her grandchildren as weapons against each other.i would never have regained contact with her when she checked you out at 14, big mistake. If an adult can do that to their child, there is something wrong.

.....meant to add I know a grandma like this who will admit openly to preferring have her DGDS for a sleepover but not her two DGSs if she can possibly help it as she prefers a 'girlie' night in and says her DGDs are just more 'cute' etc. She also dressed the DGDs from head to toe for a family wedding in beautiful dresses etc and was quite put out when asked what she was buying for the DGSs to wear and stated that they just need to wear a white shirt and wouldnt their school trousers do

Why do you let your daughter stay 4 nights a week with a woman who treated you so badly you had to leave at 14?

This.

There's lots of questions being asked ! I'll do my best to answer them all but if I forget one I apologise .
I moved out at 14 because I had self harmed for years and she used to humiliate me about it , she'd make sarcastic remarks in front of friends,family and neighbors amongst other things. I was being bullied in school for being a goth and she'd laugh at me and say I got what I deserved for looking like a freak.She had me young and would always tell me she wishes that she'd never had me and she had postnatal depression which she claimed to still have when I was 14.She didn't actually chuck me out , I ran away and then stayed between my aunt and my grandmother but it was making things difficult for them because my mum then cut off their contact with my siblings too , so I moved in with a friend.
I have two sisters and a brother , my brother and youngest sister are still living at home with her.
To the poster that mentioned me being unreasonable expecting her to take 4 kids out , I don't expect that at all.I expect her to take my son if she takes my girls because she had the girls at this age. But in all honesty I don't actually expect her to take them anywhere or do anything with them,it's her choice.
And to the poster who I asked why I name changed , I'm new to the forum and just realized that I probably shouldn't have my name the same as my name on other things.

I'd cut all contact. She is not a good Nanna!

Your new username is almost the same as the last one though

And your new name will still be linked to this thread as you've posted on it..

Similar enough for me to remember 😂

What do you mean linked to the thread ? I only joined yesterday to post this so I'm not entirely sure how it works .

Both names will remain on the thread.

And they are very similar.

If you think they could be linked to other forums if someone did a search it might be best to ask for this thread to be deleted and start a new one with a username that looks nothing like the one you want to not be associated with.

I imagine upsey assumed the name would change on all the posts not just the subsequent ones. People don't need to be so harsh.

It's not harsh to point something out.

It's not harsh to point something out.

Change schools immediately and cut all but supervised contact and then start cutting that down to nothing. If you can move to the other side of the country then do so.

Definitely put a warning at the school that she is to have no contact and stick to your word.

After your warning re taking your ds out about her not having more contact then why when she refused to take him to soft play did you not pull up the drawbridge there and then.

Upsy - that's all the more reason to have no contact with her.