To speak to my FIL about his drinking?

[mckenzie]

We are currently staying with FIL and his girlfriend for a few days at the start of our holiday.
FIL got drunk last night out for dinner, slurring his words and being very loud and repetitive.
Today, they invited some friends over for a BBQ and he was completely plastered by 4pm, falling over, not being able to talk properly, drooping his glass etc.
He has always been like this and his long time girlfriend is at her wits end. He's had some heart problems over the last few years and is on medication and should not really drink more than the occasional glass.

Can I tell him that I really don't like our children seeing him this way?
In fact, we won't come and visit if his behaviour continues?
Or should I just keep my nose out if it?

I should add that sober, he is a lovely, warm, thoughtful, generous man and a fantastic grandad. But he seems to have no control over his drink at all.

Good luck I hope you get some level of resolution, it's always best to be a team my last twopennoth would be to make sure dh takes the lead if you're anything like us my dh says he will say something then starts and hands over to me. OurBlanche that's interesting about conflict avoidance my dh and I definitely both do that after difficult childhoods in different ways.

I've never had a frank discussion with my dear relative. I know about the 3Cs and I assume he has enough self awareness to notice we don't stay overnight. I'd advise not challenging him but making other arrangements.
As I said we all get in very well but I've shielded my dcs.

Fruit sorry to bang in but the point is the outcome is not the same. Your goal with your clients is for them to acknowledge they have a problem with drinking and attain sobriety. My aim is to maintain family relationships and shield my dcs. I have no duty to guide my relative towards sobriety- you do to your clients.

What OurBlanche said.

Good luck OP Let us know how everything goes.

I don't think sitting another adult down and telling them off about their drinking is the best way to preserve the relationship though? My best friend is an alcoholic, the only time I mention his drinking is when he does, or he is in a pit of a despair and can't see how things can change. At that point I gently remind him that the only person that can do something about his drinking is him. Otherwise I don't bring it up. He drinks 50 units a day and is never sober, I take my child to visit him early morning when he is only drunk from the day before, he holds out drinking for as long as he can but by 10am he is sweating and shaking so I leave.

Good luck McKenzie. Hope that you have a lovely last night.

You are perfectly within your rights to give boundaries and consequences.

'If you're drunk, I'm taking the DC away. It's not healthy for them to witness your behaviour. We cannot come and stay with you if you choose to drink.'

Do be prepared for it to be met with utter denial, attacks on your humourlessness, ability to enjoy life, selfishness, over reaction and other bits of deflection.

Stay calm and repeat the mantra and don't get sidetracked.

Public place with wine might not be the most appropriate choice for the conversation.

I'd be tempted to email after you get home, from you both.

Best of luck and good for you got not exposing your children to such horrible damaging behaviour

I wish there were more parents like you.

We're singing from the same song sheet fruit
OP don't challenge him. Don't even mention it just, don't stay with your children any more and meet up not over meals.

Maybe if your DH tells your FIL what your son said it might sink in.

DH spoke with FIL who said he'll try harder.
He's promised to not drink tonight and when we see him next week he will be driving so won't be able to drink.
If I get the chance tonight or tomorrow I might gently tell him what DS said.

Is an alcoholic someone who drinks all day every day? Is FIL an alcoholic if he drinks too much when he does drink but can sometimes go all day without drink?

An alcoholic is the person you described who is consistently unable to remain sober and whose drinking causes distress, concern, embarrassment and fear to those around them.

Many claim they are just 'social' drinkers.

They are the worst sort IMO because they genuinely believe they have no problem at all and just because they're not necking meths as the sun rises that they are just a bit of a party type.

My own bitter experience is that they'll choose not to see the grandchildren rather than stop drinking. Then blame it on you for being humourless and unreasonable. We have very limited contact with my father, partly because of this. He can't be trusted to be sober at any time of the day.

I would be more impressed if FIL said he wouldn't drink again when you and the children visit. However, it will be interesting to see if he manages to keep it up. If he doesn't, I really think you have to tell him you have no choice but to stop bringing the children to see him.

We are back from the restaurant.
FIL ordered a bottle of wine and shared it with DH. We then made sure we all left to go for a walk around the evening market before he had the chance to order a second.
We are home now and DH has made tea for everyone so it looks like the evening will end well.
Thank you for all of your supportive messages.