What to do about DSD(12)?

[ReallyWetWater]

I have 2 DSC, 14 year old DSS & 12 year old Dstep daughter, I also have one daughter, who's also 12.

This summer has honestly just been a bit crap, mainly because of DSD's constant complaints, which I understand but their's really nothing I can do about it.

We have DSC 50% of the time, during the school year, this is an every other week arrangement & we take the holidays in turn, this summer her grandfather, her mother's father had an injury & we've had DSC all summer as their mother had to leave to take care of him.

This meant that we had to come up with last minute child care as we sorted everything when we assumed we'd only have DSC for 3 weeks.

So for the past 3 weeks DSD has been in various play schemes, dance, art classes, football, things she loves to do, the issue however has been that whilst DSD has been in play schemes, my own daughter has been on 2 holidays abroad.

One that lasted 10 days to Mexico with her grandparents, her father's parents and one with her father to Japan that she's still on, when she gets back we'll all be going on a holiday together to Scotland, which we do every year and all the kids love and then DD is set to go on a summer camp for the last week before school.

DSD won't stop complaining about the unfairness of it all, she hasn't even tried to enjoy herself, I've explained it in every way that I could, although DD gets to go away, she never really gets to see her Dad or GPs etc, it goes in one ear and out the other.

She wants to go away on camp at the end of the summer but we've spent most of our holiday fund on all these playshemes for 2 kids and it's most likely that their mother will be back by the end of the holidays and would want to spend whatever time's left with her DC.

What do I do? I can't cope with anymore complaints?!

Op you really need to be firm with her about this and not keep quiet. There is nothing you can do about your dds dad and family taking her on holiday. It's not for your dsd to even complain about. I would nip this in the bud now as when your DD gets back she could become really mean and nasty towards her. Life isn't fair, she needs to understand that.

What you need to do is respond with Sybil's 'Ooh I know' on repeat until it pisses her off.

OP, I'm sure I'm reading this the wrong way, very sorry, I'm a bit dim at times. I do apologise but is your dd on holiday with her Dad atm? Or is she with her sd who is your dsd father, and also your dh?

Fantastic advice Doreenlethal!

Gilly, Ops DD is with her own dad who is a different man to the DSD dad (who is the Ops current partner). So the DSD is totally jealous for no reason at all.

Gilly I think the dd is on holiday with her dad who is no relation to the dsd.

It IS fair though.

Both girls have a side of their family that the other one is not a part of, and your DD's father and grandparents have taken her on holiday. If your DSD's mum and grandparents can't do the same for her then that's the way it goes. Still fair.

It's like saying it's unfair that my DS's friend gets to go on holiday but my DS doesn't. Different families so different opportunities.

I don't feel sorry for your DSD.

Thank you, I'm still confused but admittedly dim, I hate my learning disabilities sometimes.

At least it wasn't what I was thinking, that the OPs dd was with dsd dad.
I could see how she'd be pissed off about that, although it couldn't be helped anyway as would have been booked.

OP, you are being so patient with her and I don't share the opinion she should get over it.
Your efforts of finding ways to include her and get her involved deserve applauding. for you. You sound like such a good sm.

Amelie10 Op you really need to be firm with her about this and not keep quiet. There is nothing you can do about your dds dad and family taking her on holiday. It's not for your dsd to even complain about. I would nip this in the bud now as when your DD gets back she could become really mean and nasty towards her. Life isn't fair, she needs to understand that.

Exactly that ^^ It's tough, your DD has a different dad, nothing to do with your dsd. Tell her to stop the moaning. My god, I went nowhere, did nothing in school holidays and was expected to entertain myself, bad luck.

I was the DSD and it can be really tough. I think it is really tough for everyone involved tbh...

She obviously feels like she is not viewed as being as important as your DD (I am not for one second saying that those feelings are justified btw) and also probably feels unsettled at the stuff going on in her mum's family... I am sure this is not how she saw her summer holidays panning out either!

Do you all live close together? Just wondering if she is separated from her friends too as a result of staying with you? If she has less contact with her mates that is probably really hard too - they are all playing out and gossiping etc without her - I used to hate that as my DM and DF lived a way apart...

The only suggestions I have, have already been discussed upthread I think... I appreciate you are at the end of your tether with her - negativity and whinging drive me mental.

I think she needs to feel like the special one too - she obviously feels like your DD is favoured and I am not sure that any amount of rationalising will change that for her. Is there something you could do (you know her better than I do!) which would be a real treat and that she would really love? Doesn't have to cost loads of money, I think it's your and your DHs attention she wants more than anything, she is just only getting the negative attention at the moment with her constant whinging!

Good luck - I hope you all have a fab holiday together.

Perhaps point out that if the tables were turned and she was off on holidays with her dm or her dm's side of the family then it would be nothing to do with your own dd in the "what is fair" stakes, that would be her time with her dm's family.

Op, I was dumped at the age if 12/13 in the summer hols when my father was dying. People were desperately trying to be kind, but it was shit, even though I wasn't told he was dying. Not seeing my mum, and her being distracted when I did see her, was grim. And all those questions.

So I'd do a mixture of the assertiveness " I know" and get her to join you in buying the acrylics. And have that coffee with her separately. No eye contact.

You're a v decent person. I hope it goes ok and gets better for you all.

Don't give her a treat! That's like saying if you moan enough you'll get a reward.

OP - just a thought but do you think the moaning is a way of articulating worry about her DGF?

I agree with Special don't give her a treat. And don't feel like you have to compensate just because your DD went on holiday with her father.

Also remember that this is a moany age anyway, wanting a bit more independence but not being safe to have it or money to make all the cool things you have seen happen. so even if there had been no dumping her on you, she still may have been like this to a smaller extent so don't feel bad. it sounds like you are very kind and patient.

I think a sleepover/camping in garden would be good as mentioned upthread she is probably missing friends. Max out her time with friends and she will be happy.

Local park with ice cream parlour you can leave her and mates in for an afternoon?

Anyone you know locally who needs dog walking and might pay to then fund activities with friends?

If she is arty could you invent a task in the house you need help with like reorganising a bedroom or shed and get her to research and pinterest ideas?

Could you have a tidy out and let her have a stall on car boot sale and split the profits