To can't help but be annoyed/fed up with this?

[twocultures]

Really sorry for long thread!
Don't want to out myself too much but DP has currently got big problems in his business and is at work a lot. We have a DC who is 16months and I'm a SAHM .
I know he's going through a tough time right now and I've been supporting him since this all started about March/April time this year, we've had sleepless nights and he's been in a bad way a few times over everything that's going on.
He's usually home quite late they close at 5 he always stays for meetings or to do whatever needs doing doesn't get home until 6.30/7 sometimes later if something crops up . He also works Saturday's ,even through they are shut, doing whatever needs to be done etc. He can rarely give me a specific time of when he'll get home. I understand he runs a business and it's not exactly your standard 9-5 job.
He recently gave me the news that in order to survive we will have to make BIG cutbacks (again can't say what as don't want to out myself but it will be a huge change and difficult for the whole family).
I've been supportive and understand we need to do whatever we need to do, we're a family and we will stick it out together.

We've got an important date tomorrow which we've not even discussed what we'll do for it and today he's at work, told me he'll be back at 3, rang me at 3.45 to say he won't be back until 7/7.30 .
I've been stuck in the house all day in this sunny weather with the dog and DC and expecting him back at a decent hour so we could at least go for a walk (pram got left in his car yesterday) .
I'm not going to tell him but AIBU to feel fed up and annoyed with the whole situation? I'm sick of it and sick of him never knowing anything for certain which prevents us from making any plans unless they're really last minute, AIBU to have had enough of having to run things through him (and get no solid answers) as we have no routine and never know what days/times we can make plans for?
AIBU to be sick of being stuck in the house with a needy toddler who wrecks the house all day pretty much everyday? AIBU to have had enough of last minute texts saying he'll be home at X time hours after he's supposed to be?

I just feel upset and fed up .... And I'm beginning to feel resentful for everything we have to do and the things we cannot do.... I know he can't help our current situation and I'm not blaming him for it, I really appreciate and admire him for everything he's done and is still doing, I know it's for us in the long run.
I can't tell him how I feel as I know he has got enough on his plate as it is ATM but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I feel like there isn't anything to look forward to in our lives right now and I'm just feeling down a lot.

It sounds hard for both of you. Do you have a garden so you can get away from the house a little? I think you just have to be a bit tough and resourceful and run the domestic stuff on your own until the business is sorted. It is pointless to expect much from DH if he is worrying about how to keep going. I also think you could probably do with access to a car occasionally. I used to run my DH to work and then have the car for the day and pick him up at the end. It really helped to get away from the village a couple of times a week.

YABVU.
There are many simple solutions to the issues you have raised, but I'm getting the feeling you will have a reason why you can't do it.

Okay 1st thing people are still assuming on this thread : I DO NOT VENT AT HIM just to clarify, I do not complain, moan or say anything to him about the situation as I do not want to put any more pressure on him. I support him and I take on board if/what we need to change or adjust. He probably knows I'm not over the moon about our current situation because of what our situation is like but I do not mention it to him.

• I already do work for his business on top of taking care of DC + house as mentioned in my previous reply.
• The events we get invited to are generally from his side as I am not originally from the UK so don't really have anyone getting married etc here so I wouldn't really make plans to go even if he can't.
• can't do much atm as I said no car , even the shopping just gets delivered to the house
• we got engaged a while ago (pre DC ) but due to finances etc still haven't been able to tie the knot

Mummy walk is a good idea but as I mentioned I currently have no pram and DC isn't quite old enough to walk all the way yet.

I'm not ungrateful or insensitive I fully support my DP I guess I just needed to vent.

I think YABU but at the same time you must be under enormous strain yourself - being stuck in with a small active child and an energetic (I imagine) dog, when there is very little that you can constructively do with the two of them must be exhausting to say the least!

Are you totally without any adult company every day? Is there a friend or relative you could meet for a day out, or even a coffee (of course, they would need a car as you have no transport). It wouldn't just do you good, but would enable you to be even more supportive of DP, and less likely too whine and nag.

He must be worried sick, too, and probably feels that he's let you and his baby down, and could well be beating himself up about it.

Try to get some help (even if it is only ringing the Samaritans to hear a friendly, non-judgemental adult voice - you aren't wasting their time so don't worry about that, you really need someone to help you get perspective on this. It seems that you don't have anyone to open up to, and that invariably means that you begin to feel badly-done to, even when you know it isn't so.

Try not to harp on at DP - he is probably frantic with worry and trying to do his best.

xxx

I would suggest either moving somewhere more sociable so that you are DC aren't stuck at home all day, or get a car for you. If you are having to make these big changes, might that include moving?

I agree with PP about his business. If it really isn't working for you maybe it's time for him to call it a day and get a job?

Chippednail I'm really open to suggestions, so I'd appreciate if you gave me some possible solutions?

Just so it doesn't look like I'm making up excuses please note :

• I have no car and we definitely cannot afford one
• can't drop him off and take the car as his work requires him to travel through the day (to meetings etc)
• no babysitters
• I work for his business from home for free (which they really need)

1. Move somewhere more appropriate for a SAHM who has no access to a car.

1. Get additional paid work from home.

1. Consider whether the business is viable or whether your financial and family life would be improved if DP gave up his failing business and got a job.

Whilst I applaud the fact you're not complaining or moaning to him, it does sound as though he's blissfully unaware of just how isolated and worried you're feeling. Your DP sounds as though he's doing all that's humanly possible to keep his business afloat and you're anxious but there's no real communication about it - very difficult for both of you. You do need to talk to him; you can reinforce your supportive stance whilst finding out the true nature of the business problems - is the current situation temporary? will the proposed cutbacks definitely solve the problems? would he accept input from someone else who understands small businesses?

It's OK to be fed up with it all. But try and see if you can use your frustration by taking charge of what you can. I suspect your feelings are made worse by feeling out of control, it seems to be all in his hands. But it's your future too that is in jeopardy, and perhaps feeling you are working to restore the business will help you (and him).

So, I think you and he should talk, and you should try to establish a couple of things:

1. Are the business problems fixable? If not - and they might not be - then you both need to work out an exit plan. Google 'sunk costs fallacy' to see if it applies when you are considering of the business is viable.

1. Assuming it is fixable - how long will it take (6 months, 2 years, 10?) and what needs to be done? A rough plan is needed of how you are going to dig yourself out of the hole. 'Presenteeism' is rarely enough, what will it actually take - capital, skilled assistance, pursuit of unpaid invoices, more clients? What are you actually up against?

1. Does it actually make sense to have you as a SAHM? Would childcare costs outstrip any income you could bring in? Or could you do e.g. translation work from home? You may both have agreed to you not working , but that was then and this is now. This should be up for discussion.

1. Health - if he is working all hours, it will impact on his health as well as your relationship. He needs to schedule some non-working time as a priority and stick to it. Working himself into the ground will actually make it considerably harder to turn the business around. Mentally-tired people do not make good decisions, and it takes them longer to do things too i(n my personal experience). He needs downtime if he is going to get through this successfully.

1. New cutbacks - again you need to discuss and establish a workable way to do it. How much is needed and where are you to find it from. You say it will be difficult for the whole family. Yes, but it still needs to be do-able.

E.g. you need to cut £500/month; you could move to a smaller place £500 less that was unsuitable (e.g.very long commute, really remote, no heating come winter) or £400 less that was suitable - move to the £400 less place and trim £100 elsewhere because the £500 less place will cost you dear in travelling costs/time and come winter to stay warm. Look at total costs not just up-front. Don't be panicked into unsustainable cuts, you need this to work.

Good luck.

Yanbu to be annoyed. In your situation I'd be looking for a job and becoming more financially independent, especially as it looks like DPs financial problems are likely to continue for a while at least.

YANBU to feel the way you do. I think you've been somewhat unfairly jumped on. Its good to vent here rather than at your DH. However I do think you should tell him how you're feeling (not in a ranty or Blamey way, just in a its difficult for both of us and I'm feeling a bit isolated, etc kind of way) and both of you reassess your situation. Is the business truely worth it?

Can you move somewhere better for you to be without a car?

Is there even one day a week you could drop him at work and keep the car?

How can you make sure he doesn't go off with pushchair in the boot?

Are there any baby groups you can walk to? Villages often have some good ones. Which could also help you meet other isolated SAHMs.

Although you don't have family near by, does he have any that could come round for a few hours to play with DS and give you someone to talk to? Or even someone that would be willing to drop you and DS off at soft play for a few hours once a week (some areas have a free toddler morning run jointly by the soft play place and the local children's centres)?

OP, YANBU to vent. Your life sounds quite isolated, and of course your DP's pressure at work also has knock on pressures for you.

Is there any way you can start to create a RL network? Were you part of an NCT tea group or ante natal class? Can you e mail them or contact them in Fb and invite some mums and toddlers over? Do you have any toddler groups or one o clock clubs nearby? Seeing another adult to talk to during the day would really help, I think.

Also , could you use your bilingualism? Do some translation for an hour in the evening after your DD has gone to bed? Give you some independence and a small income?

YANBU. It is a difficult time, you are feeling the effects , and I hope your DP's hard work pays off soon and things turn a corner.

I think blue has said a lot of what I was going to mention. The business isn't currently making any money, is it really viable for two adults to be working on it with no financial return? You say he doesn't want you to work, so instead you're got no money and you are stuck in a house with no way of going out for 11 hours a day. I'd be back to work like a shot, for my family's financial well-being as well as my own sanity.
Assuming you are in the UK, who would he be having business meetings with on a Saturday? Why don't you agree that you drop him off if he needs to work weekends, so you get the car?

You sound oddly passive, if you want anything to change you need to start taking the initiative. Rsvping to invites from "his" side is his problem, if you want to go, tell him you want to go and send an acceptance.

So basically you are stuck in a country with no friends and family, in the middle of nowhere with no viable means of transport and your husband is out of the house for about 70 hours a week?

And you are a bit fed up?

Nope - not unreasonable!

Ok - what can you change here?

1. Saturday's. Presumably he is not using the car on Saturdays if the business is shut and he's just doing whatever needs doing? So on a Saturday you drop him off at work and have the car. Means you have the car and can take your son swimming / the park / a cafe / the pub / to see a friend / wherever else you fancy.

1. Buggy. You need a spare buggy. Buggies get punctures, they get left in cars, the wheels fall off, the tyres wear out. You need a buggy every single day. That means you need a spare one. It doesn't need to be posh, it doesn't need to be new, it doesn't even need to be nice. It just needs four (just about) working wheels so that when something goes wrong you are not trapped indoors. People are always selling / giving away second hand ones. (They take up,a lot of space.) Get a spare buggy.

1. Bike. Can you ride one? Do you have one? Is where you live bikable? You can travel a long way on a bike. (I cycle 8 miles every evening in a big circle just to get a bit of fresh air and exercise.) You will need a child seat and helmet for your son. If you can get into a town or city then you'll be able to go to groups, do activities or whatever you fancy.

1. Outdoors - if you are rural then is there nice woods etc near you? There are lots of things online that detail activities that you can do with kids outdoors. I remember playing "blind mans tree" with Dd a few years ago.

I am a SAHM with 3 children under 6 and my husband leaves for work at 6am and isn't back until 830am at earliest - but often 10pm.

I would love him to be home at 630/7pm!

I have to say on think yabu. His inc9me I assume enables you to be at home with your dc. When I had 1 dc I would have given anything to be at home. It wasn't until we had 3 dc that myself and my dh decided it would work for us to have me give up my job. Getting out and about with one 16 month is easy. You need to become a bit more independent and start enjoyin your time. He is off earning money to support the family and sometimes things come up.

Could you use a back pack? We got one off eBay for that awkward in between stage of too little to walk much but wanting to walk some. We sold it on eBay again a year or so letter for the same amount we'd bought it for.

I totally understand why you feel that way. The situation is not good for you or him, as it both am hard in you and your DH.
You need to move somewhere where your not so isolated. Possible talke about maybe going to work with him, maybe he has so room at his offices for you and you DC to stay so you can work and also take him somewhere ( that's if his business is in town or somewhere where you can go out at least)
Do you have family near by where you can go visit for the day? Or a friend who could pick you up for something.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
Thought I'd post a little update, I've not had a chance to talk to him but he's spoken to me on Satuday night and asked if I'd be willing to actually go to work with him now rather than work from home as they will need me a lot more now.
We just need to sort childcare now and a dog walker of some sort...
Can't help but feel a little guilty about DC but if it means helping our family get back on track quicker I'm all for it.

Hope it works out and even if it doesn't, you'll have done everything you can to support him & your family. Too late to be helpful now but if ever you're stuck without a pram a strong sheet (single bed size ideal) or blanket/shawl can be used as a baby carrier, get child to piggyback and then tie it around you both, much easier than a normal piggy back for both you and your toddler.

OP you have had some great advice here, so can I just add

Well make sure it's what you'd like as well. Being together. 24/7 would drive me up the wall. Also wouldn't childcare costs make you worse off? You need more independence whatever so you can get about on your own whether it's another car, bike, buggy etc