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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude?

40 replies

Minnie16 · 06/08/2016 11:04

I want to organise a special birthday meal at a restaurant for a family member but would I be unreasonable to expect people to pay for their own meal? It would be quite a lot of people so definitely wouldn't be able to afford the whole thing.
I was thinking of putting a menu in with invites and asking people to decide/pay for their meal beforehand to save the awkward splitting of the bill at the end. We would probably be able to pay the drinks tab if everyone paid their own meal but not sure if this is a rude thing to do?

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 06/08/2016 12:47

I realise I'm in a minority in MN (but not RL) but if I was being invited out to celebrate an occasion, I wouldn't expect to pay.

Totally different if it's a casual meal out and everyone has a say in the venue etc.

Birdsgottafly · 06/08/2016 12:53

Do you need to let the restaurant know what food will be chosen, beforehand? If not then I wouldn't put the menu in.

I'd word it as "we are getting together to celebrate X's Birthday, it would be lovely of you could join us", they can google the menu, or when they get in touch, you can then forward them it.

Of course everyone pays for their own meal. Usually there'd be bottles of Wine for the Toast, but if it's people that you know, well, then you can wait till the night, buy bottles of wine and whatever else, is wanted, soft drink/beer, for the first drinks.

Rather than money just behind the bar.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 06/08/2016 12:53

Agent, that's it. The OP has a chosen the venue, is issuing invites but then expects others to pay for the event which is rude and wrong.

Suggesting casually that they do something together, no invites and people having a say in where to go is very different.

It's like getting a childs invite and saying we would love x t come and will provide cake but you need to pay for the entry fee and food.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 06/08/2016 13:05

This is a birthday celebration not a wedding right? At a restaurant? Only the birthday person should be paid for imo. I'd never go to a restaurant and expect others to pay for me and mine... Private function is totally different but at a restaurant you pick what you pay for - I do think a set menu at set price may be easiest if lots of people then buy a bottle of red/white water and coke for each set of 4/5 people and put on tables ........

Original poster

Minnie16 · 06/08/2016 13:06

The restaurant say we have to reduce the menu for group booking.
Although slightly mixed I get the impression that as long as I'm careful with the wording to the people coming I should be ok?
I don't want to cause offence but I can't afford to pay for the full thing and I don't want this person's birthday to have no celebration because of it. At least if I upfront they could choose not to come?
Thank you for the suggestions on how to make it more tactful.

OP posts:

PepsiPenguins · 06/08/2016 13:14

Is just be upfront about it, so everyone knows where they stand.

Issuing invites etc implies "private function" to me which would include food - if I was invited to such an event and thought I wasn't paying for food I'd end up spending much more on a gift to compensate to find a hefty food bill at the end would be frustrating could mean I end up spending much more than perhaps I was able too or wanted too.

I think with all these things as long as your upfront about it then it isn't rude or wrong as people have the option to politely decline.

OlennasWimple · 06/08/2016 13:18

I wouldn't expect to get a free meal in these circumstances!

By invitation, do you mean a nice email or a printed item? I'd go with the former and attach the "group menu".

I wouldn't ask for payment upfront, as it makes you responsible for tracking all that. Perhaps say in the email that people will need to bring cash (to avoid 17 different card transactions at the do of the meal)

How many people are you expecting to come?

MephistoMarley · 06/08/2016 13:24

I'm trying to imagine the circles people must move in if they think inviters should pay for 10-15 people in a restaurant. Not normal circles that's for sure! Who has £500+ to drop on dinner for all the guests at a birthday meal? For many people that's their mortgage for the month, or childcare bill, or entire food and transport budget. Etc etc.
People who think like this, or think that restaurant bills should always be split equally no matter if one had veggie pasta and a Diet Coke and another had 3 courses, steak and fine wine don't think that they are basically pricing lower income people out of socialising. I'm glad my better off friends don't think they should only be socialising with people on the same income level as them

BigGreenOlives · 06/08/2016 13:25

The evening will run more smoothly if you have a limited menu, I think that's usual if you have a reservation for a group of over about 12. If people book in advance you run the risk of people changing their minds on the night & claiming someone else's main course as it looks better than what they chose 2 weeks before. If there is a set price menu you could ask people to send you the cost of the meal when they confirm & explain that you'll pay the first £xxx of the drinks bill but after that it'll be split. That way everyone will know upfront they are expected to pay for their own meal and that you are contributing more than them. The birthday person might decide to pay for a welcome round of drinks for everyone once you've invited them.

ConfuciousSaysWhat · 06/08/2016 13:26

Totally normal to pay your way at a group meal. Since when and where has it ever been acceptable for the organiser to pay? How odd!

MadamDeathstare · 06/08/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RichardBucket · 06/08/2016 13:56

Like others, MN is the only place I've seen people expect to be paid for in situations like this.

You're making it clear in the invite so nobody can misunderstand.

I hope you have a lovely meal out

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 06/08/2016 14:10

It's not a matter of 'circles.'

I couldn't afford to pay for 10 people in a restaurant so it wouldn't occur to me to invite them. I would have a party instead.

An invitation imo is very different to friends deciding to go to a restaurant.

FeelingSmurfy · 06/08/2016 17:42

Just make it clear on the invitation that they are welcome, if they decide to come they need to pay for themselves

If choosing a smaller menu please make sure there is more than one option for vegetarians (or ask them in advance what they would pick off the larger menu and make sure that goes on the smaller menu) if you are inviting any. I hate set menus because at best there is one option, which I may not like or fancy, and everyone else is sitting there discussing what to get etc

sooperdooper · 06/08/2016 17:46

If a friend/family member invited me to a restaurant for a sit down meal to celebrate their birthday/anniversary I wouldn't think for one second it would be paid for! I'd check the menu and decide if I could afford it :)

Those who expect that kind of invite to be paid for, haven't you ever had a massive shock to find out you're expected to pay for your own meal?

If it was party invite where there's a buffet or canapés, I'd expect those to be paid but that's different

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