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Original poster

AIBU to wonder what the hell he was up to?? Very upset

41 replies

stephi81 · 06/08/2016 07:26

Woke up this morning fairly early, and must have taken my husband my surprise when I turned around because he was already awake and looking at his phone - he immediately pulled his phone to his chest and looked at me wide eyed like a rabbit in the headlights. I said said something about him looking very guilty and asked him what he was doing and he said 'it's just porn! I'm just looking at a bit of porn' so I said 'OK show me then' and he immediately sat up with his back to me and his phone in his hand said 'I can't now I've just deleted it' and chucked his phone on the bed!!!?? A huge row ensued and I got very upset. I don't really care if he looks at porn - I look at it, and we occasionally watch it together. To explain - I am in the early weeks of pregnancy and we're not having sex until 12 weeks due to a history of miscarriages. If he WAS looking at porn I am a bit hurt he chose to do it laying next to me but wouldn't be that bothered - but to be honest I don't think he was... From the glimpse I got of it, it didn't look like porn - particularly the specific site he said he was looking at, which has a black background - this was white with words and a photo I think.

The fact he immediately deleted whatever it was is what has upset me most. If it was porn why not just show me??

I'm torturing myself here with all sorts of thoughts of what it could have been. I'm so upset - we've only been married a short time and tried for this baby after previous miscarriages. I've stopped exercising (due to previous miscarriages again) when I'm usually a bit of a gym bunny and I feel absolutely rubbish about myself lately. I asked what the porn was and he said it was 'just a young blonde girl' funnily enough this did not make me feel better lol.

I'm just so upset - I really thought we were in a good place since getting married but he has lied in the past about things (strippers at the stag do) and in our early relationship he met a female friend and lied (for weeks) about it before finally admitting he'd seen her... Now I feel like I don't trust him again and I thought we were over all this :(

Been sobbing my heart out all morning and also worried I've done the baby some damage. Why did he have to do this to me now???? :((

OP posts:
SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 06/08/2016 09:03

It's unlikely to be porn though isn't it? In the situation you describe? Men look at porn closeted away surely? As you said he was happy to tell you it was porn and in that case he would have shown you so either it is a certain type of porn he doesn't want you to know about or something else that is not porn that he doesn't want you to know about.

Marmalade85 · 06/08/2016 09:06

He can't delete it. Reopen last window or check web history. Clearly was up to no good if porn is accepted within your relationship. Personally I would check his phone without him knowing but you may not be comfortable doing that.

Boiing · 06/08/2016 09:09

Sorry you had a rubbish start to the morning. Obviously he was looking at something he's a bit ashamed of. Probably he was looking at a different kind of porn, more hardcore or kinky or whatever and he felt you would disapprove. I would let it go. It was rude of him but it's not worth a big upset and everyone's entitled to a bit of privacy.

Congratulations on the pregnancy 😀

Charlie97 · 06/08/2016 09:11

Sorry but he still wants to look at attractive females? Really, whilst lying next to his pregnant wife, while abstaining from sex? As long as he is happy and satisfied sexually all respect can go out of the window?

Sorry OP you need to have a serious word with him, I'm not saying he can't look at porn or masturbate, far from it....but a time and a place surely?

But if ultimately he is messaging someone else, then you need to reconsider your marriage, it's unacceptable behaviour.

I hope that your pregnancy goes well, and he should be worried that his behaviour may have caused you upset and ultimately worried you about the pregnancy.

VioletBam · 06/08/2016 09:11

Was he filming you?

mum2Bomg · 06/08/2016 09:15

I would accept the apology and get on with your day. Early pregnany hormones ruined a good few weekends for me, and now I look back and think I was being really silly. I'm not saying you are, but it's easy to overreact.

Anyone questioning if you want a future with this man is cruel. You're pregnant - enjoy every moment you can (hard, I know!) X

swg1 · 06/08/2016 09:16

Seconding the possibility that it's a present.

The other possibility springing to mind is that he's googling something to do with pregnancy or pregnancy difficulties and didn't want to tell you in case it gave you something to worry about. Or there's other options - I caught my husband being very cagey once when he was looking for help for depression because he really didn't want to talk about it.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/08/2016 09:22

I'd want to know what it was and if it is a present as swg1 says then apologise for spoiling the surprise but say this has rung some alarm bells for you, pregnancy hormones and all that and you'd prefer he allowed you to see his viewing history or tell you the truth about what it was.

If he doesn't tell you, I'd rethink your trust boundaries to be honest.

You never explained about the female friend that was years ago either?

SuperFlyHigh · 06/08/2016 09:24

swg1 bollocks it's something to do with pregnancy etc - if it were and he was any sort of a man surely he'd tell her! Unless he's done something wrong that is (derailing going down the Whitney and Lee storyline in Eastenders).

Lilacpink40 · 06/08/2016 09:40

I believe the only things that you can do to adversely affect pregnancy is have a very bad accident or take drugs. Otherwise, what will be will be, and crying doesn't do anything.

I'm with the poster who suggested outright asking what is happening (show no emotion and stop talking after to let him reply) "are you talking to another woman or on dating sites?"

Caught off-guard you're more likely to get the truth. If he confirms it's porn and is angry explain that his actions are giving you this impression and that you would like emotional stability. His past history doesn't help and I'm sorry to say, but my STBXH was negative about cheating men even when he was cheating on me - great cover.

bunnyfuller · 06/08/2016 09:42

Check the phone internet history

swg1 · 06/08/2016 10:02

[b]swg1 bollocks it's something to do with pregnancy etc - if it were and he was any sort of a man surely he'd tell her! [/b]

So it is entirely impossible that a man in a couple with a history of miscarriage might look something up (like "when does the risk of miscarriage drop") then not want to admit it when asked then? Because I can totally see that as a "I will just make you more anxious" reaction.

LucieLucie · 06/08/2016 21:29

Check his whatsap-. Could he have been sexting someone?
Agree with others who say you can't 'delete' porn.

Give him an ultimatum, show you his web browsing history and whatsap ( including hidden archived chats). If he has nothing to hide he will let you look. If he does have something to hide he'll kick off and go defensive.

It's horrible timing but if he is being a player it's better you find out now than later.

kali110 · 06/08/2016 21:43

Marmalade85 not everybody is against porn in theor relationships, op isn't.
Ask him outright what he's been up too.
I could see swg1 scenerio happening actually, especially if the op is anxious of micarriage again.
I don't believe it's anything to do with a gift though.

FithColumnist · 06/08/2016 22:08

It could have been really embarrassing porn, maybe?

LindyHemming · 06/08/2016 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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