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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding invitation

49 replies

GLOBETROTTERHEAVEN · 05/08/2016 21:42

DH and I have received a hand-written invitation to my aunt's wedding but it appears to be for the ceremony only. All the invite states is the details for the church venue, and nothing further to indicate there is a wedding breakfast/reception. It also states no kids and that 'presents are not required, but a monetary gift would be appreciated.'

I have never heard of sending ceremony-only invites (and we only got married a few months ago ourselves) and while I am not the type to get easily offended or hurt I find myself feeling like this. My aunt and her family are very sociable people who love a wine, dancing, parties etc so I find it impossible to believe that there is absolutely no celebration afterwards - not even an informal drink in the local pub. I have always got on very well with my aunt. Another two relatives have received the same invite, however they are barely on speaking terms with the aunt so I wouldn't have been surprised if they hadn't been invited at all.

As there is no one who could look after our DS I could only attend by myself and this would involve a 4-hour train journey each way. I am not bothered with the no kids request, but I find it rude to request a monetary gift when my presence is only required for the 20-30 minute ceremony, and after travelling for so long.

AIBU to politely decline the invite? I now know from a google search that ceremony-invites are the new thing but I find it rude, the request for money even ruder when our presence is only required for 20-30 mins, and then I/we should just leave after the ceremony and disappear. My aunt and her fiancee (who we had never met) came to the whole day and evening of our wedding (and received a thank you card). WWYD?

OP posts:

Ameliablue · 05/08/2016 22:18

As others have said it is worth clarifying details as they could be using church hall or somewhere nearby for reception or they might be keeping the reception a surprise.

cexuwaleozbu · 05/08/2016 22:19

I am glad to hear that this is becoming a "thing". For me, the ceremony is the bit worth being there for, to see the person actually get married. Receptions on the other hand are tedious and if the friends getting married can't afford to feed me and I don't know other people there well as I am not part of a close circle of friends then I am happy not to be fed. I usually declined evening-only invites unless a group of people I knew were in the same situation, but would have happily tried to attend a ceremony if I had been allowed (I know that technically wedding ceremonies are open to the public but going to one where you haven't been invited is downright weird)

SandyPantz · 05/08/2016 22:20

You CANNOT state "no kids" for the ceremony!

The church ceremony is public, ANYONE can attend, it is illegal to try to prevent any member of the public (including children) from entering during your ceremony.

You can invite who you want (or not) to your weddng reception, but you cannot state that anyone can't come to your church ceremony, all you can do if you want a smaller audience is just not let a lot of people know about it, but you can't tell anyone that they can't be there

diddl · 05/08/2016 22:24

For 4hrs each way I'd probably not go at all no matter what I was invited to!

EweAreHere · 05/08/2016 22:25

An 8 hour round trip for a half hour ceremony? No thank you.

I suspect she expects/hope you'll decline and send her a gift (money) out of a sense of obligation.

Don't. Just send a card wishing them well.

SharonfromEON · 05/08/2016 22:31

Do you have any closer relatives you can check with..

But no I would not spend 8 hours travelling to sit in the church for 30 minutes.

CodyKing · 05/08/2016 22:31

Some venues have a limit on guest attending - so they could exclude children.

rollonthesummer · 05/08/2016 22:37

What invitation have your parents got to this wedding?

Normandy144 · 05/08/2016 22:37

I think it must be an error. I'd contact her to clarify and use the pretence that you want to know what the plans are for after the event so you can organise a hotel. If you are travelling 4 hours there by train then an overnight stay seems worth it. If she says no,math at there are no after plans, then you have to decide if it is worth your while.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/08/2016 22:38

I would check first to be sure exactly what you're invited to - is it really just the ceremony, or has there been some sort of mix up where you're supposed to be invited to a reception but haven't been given the details?

But if it is just the ceremony, I wouldn't travel 4 hours each way for that either.

Normandy144 · 05/08/2016 22:38

and there are no

blaeberry · 05/08/2016 22:41

A wedding is a public ceremony so anyone can turn up (so they can object if they have cause e.g. If they are a current spouse). Not sure how that squares with celebraty weddings though.

We did do 'ceremony only' invites but these were informal to people who lived in the same town (eg other members of the church we attended). More along the lines of 'we are getting married at X time and it would lovely to see you there'. More about confirming we were pleased for people we hadn't invited to join us for that bit of the day if they wanted to. Anyone who had to travel any distance was invited to the whole day or not at all.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 05/08/2016 22:42

I'm with cex. The most important bit is the ceremony. Not the wedding breakfast, cakes, speeches, dancing, sugared almonds, centrepieces, champagne, disco, seating plans, evening vol-au-vents etc, etc, etc

Weedles · 05/08/2016 22:49

I'd phone them up and ask and if it is just for the ceremony I'd politely explain that I wouldn't be able to come. No need for any excuses or drama. I know it's corny but it really is just an invitation and there is no need to get offended by it. There is a thread running at the moment about the joys of very small weddings. Perhaps the bride and groom want a very small reception and have invited others to the ceremony on the off chance they might wish to attend.

Specifying gifts is rude though.

Rachcakes · 05/08/2016 22:59

April, I put a note in with our evening invites saying if anyone wanted to see us exchange our vows the details of the church were XYZ. Not many did, but a few of my school mum friends did, which was lovely, and some of MILs friends did too.

OP, that sounds odd. I'd just text or ring and ask what the reception arrangements are. But I'm a bit brazen 😂

pillowaddict · 05/08/2016 23:01

I would call but not to pretend there's a misunderstanding, just thank her for the invitation to the ceremony and explain it won't be possible due to childcare and travelling. If there is an error and an after party she can tell you - and this can infuence your decision - and if not you've politely declined and know she's aware of your position. Re gift I'd send a card with £20 if not going (and you can afford it), or a card with an invitation for a meal out on you next time she's in your area.

YouOKHun · 05/08/2016 23:02

'Presents are not required but give us your cash'. FFS, what happened to manners. Naff.

Fiona80 · 05/08/2016 23:20

I have attended quite a few wedding ceremonies only, due to childcare and for me that is the most imporatant part, I'm also not keen on faffing about for ages ( up to 4-5 hrs) between ceremony and reception and having to make small talk

Barmaid101 · 05/08/2016 23:31

Are you sure it's not a 'we have our ceremony booked' save the date, and they may still be negotiating a venue for after etc so more details to follow?
Just ask what are The details for the reception so you can look for close by accommodation/ book a room there? You should then find out for sure in the response.

ohtheholidays · 05/08/2016 23:31

Your Aunt so your Mum or Dad's sister,can you ask either of your parents or a sibling or cousin to see if they've receieved the same?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/08/2016 23:47

I'd only go if I'd been invited to the whole shebang. My company is either good enough or its not, and. There's no way. They'd be getting so much as a £ of my money.
I've always been an all or nothing person

Alconleigh · 06/08/2016 08:39

I'd check with your mum or another relative I think. If it is right, I definitely wouldn't go. Nor would I send a gift. I wouldn't send a gift for a wedding I wasn't going to anyway, I am always impressed on here when I read that people do. Rightly or wrongly, in my mind a wedding gift is inextricably linked to attending said wedding.

diddl · 06/08/2016 08:42

"Are you sure it's not a 'we have our ceremony booked' save the date,"

Wouldn't you just then send a "save the date"?

mrsfuzzy · 06/08/2016 08:45

on your bike aunty comes to mind, i have more pressing things to do, please shove your monetary idea where the mice won't get it, how flipping cheeky of her in the first place !

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