Am I crazy !

[Herobump]

I'm going through some weird stuff & I could only ask here for some help and opinions.

DH & I know each other for 6 years, married for 3,& now expecting DC in mar '17.

Off late, he is often very sulky and depressed during late evenings and early mornings. When I pressed on what the matter was, he explained that he feels his youth is being wasted and he's not doing enough to get the best out of life.
To give you a bit of a context, we have travelled extensively as a couple, DH & I both have successful careers, and are away from our families geographically, have a good and enjoyable dance in the bed, plus we were into all sorts of activities... Hiking, meeting people, etc. We have quite similar in our tastes and thoughts, and like to have a simple life with enriching experiences.

So for the first few weeks, I ignored it hoping and thinking it to be a passing phase. This depression and moaning would started and was on and off till about two months ago.

We just got back from two weeks of vacationing overseas, & it was pretty much hell for me for most parts, with day long morning sickness and exaggerated jet lag. But throughout the trip, DH kept whining about being depressed & sulked. Once home, when I confronted and finally got to the bottom of the matter, turns out he feels he has missed out on having sex with other women in his 20s as back then he was thoroughly focused into career/work. Plus he was a shy boy. Then we met, got married, and other than one girl he dated before he hasn't been with anyone else ...other than me.

To be fair & honest, he hasn't cheated on me, and he is very openly discussing the prospects of a short-term one-sided open marriage for the lack of a better term. He has a very charming personality and easily win people over with his smile. He's not at all a Casanova, but genuinely a very nice & caring person.

I have absolutely no interest in being with any other man romantically or sexually. And I have made it very clear to him that he would have to choose either that lifestyle or a life with me. & to that he kept saying that only I am his one true love etc... And the other bits would be just be a short 'experience' for him.

But am I being crazy or controlling ? I feel horrible to see him lose his easy smile around the house, & tbh I don't want to be with someone who is unhappy coz he can't stick it into someone else. Am I being stupid in hoping this to be a passing phase ? I can't really talk about this with any family or friends...

Sorry for the long post, pregnancy hormones aren't helping in reigning in my emotions.

This is the ultimate case of wanting his cake and eat it.

He wants: Loving wife, family, good career, good sex life with wife, happy hone, plus a dollop of guilt free extra marital sex in the side.

He needs to grow up and damn fast. I notice that this would be a one-way experience. Fuckwit.

What exactly does he think he's missed out on, the chance of catching herpes? Jesus. Tell him to get over himself. If you are the love of his life and the only one he wants to spend his life with why on earth is he "depressed" about not sleeping around?

It makes it a million times worse that you are carrying his child. What kind of man approaches his pregnant wife about an open marriage.

You are most definitely not crazy. We all have regrets in life but quite frankly he needs to suck it up. Tough shit.

Sorry I should have added that no matter what, your lock to his backside isn't justified. Don't do it again. He is probably going through a depressive phase although acting like a twat. But still no excuse for you kicking him at all ever again.

Oh and agree with Shoes.

It is perfectly normal to feel anxious about becoming a parent. I would say that the majority of new Dads have a bit of a wobble.

But this isn't a wobble. This is a hand grenade he has just throw into your marriage.

He has it all. And he is willing to blow it because he didn't sleep with more women. He is a fuckwit.

He needs to understand that being a faithful husband to his wife is not "doing a massive sacrifice." It's called being a husband, and a normal person.

His way of thinking is: There are women out there gagging for sex with me. I have stupidly cut myself off from them by committing myself to Herobump and TTC. Herobump is also gagging for sex with me and for me to be a father to her baby. If she wants this then she should give me what I want. Then we will all be happy - she will have me for the rest of her life and her baby will not be fatherless, I will be happy, and the women pining for my penis will also be happy.

The reality is - marriage is faithfulness to one person. If you sleep with someone else your marriage is over because you have ruined it. You lose your wife. She does not want you any more because who wants a man who thinks he is entitled to shag around. You lose your baby because you won't be living under the same roof. Your wife, sorry, ex-wife, does not need you around to raise the baby because she has a good career of her own and she can get another man.

He is not sacrificing anything. He is not losing anything that he has at the moment.

He will lose, however, lose everything. In essence, if he carries on following his "needs" he will sacrifice his marriage, his stake in bringing up his own child, a percentage of his own salary etc etc.

Can I just repeat what Balloonslayer just said because I'm lazy I agree with every word of that last post. How incredibly hurtful, if he truly loved you he couldn't even go there in his mind , let alone say it out loud to you !

Just when I think I have read it all on here, up pops another one!!

Jesus Christ.

DH suddenly turned into a man from a closet man child. It was an immense relief to know that as I was loosing control of how and where my pregnancy will take me, someone is always going to be there to worry like that for me and my baby. It would have been a deal breaker for me. but are you really sure he did want a baby now and in this time frame? There is a chance he wasn't ready yet but you were so you two went ahead? It does not make him less of a twat but explains a little.

WTAF?

I'm speechless. He's waited until now to say this? 6 years into a relationship with a baby on the way, and NOW he decides to start sulking because he can't bang other people, and he wants you to look the other way while he goes off and shags other women? You're not to blame for his late blooming, and you shouldn't have to sit at home pregnant and lonely while he goes off and has the fun he seems to think he's owed. He took his marriage vows, he knew what that meant. Why do this when you are expecting a baby? The cynical part of me thinks that he might have chosen now deliberately, knowing that you wouldn't want to be a single parent, so more likely to let him off the hook.

What an entitled, spoiled, sulking, pathetic child. Actually that's unfair to children. You are not crazy. He's crazy for even thinking that this is an acceptable idea. FWIW I think that you are being remarkably cool-headed about this. Don't for a second let him gaslight you into thinking that you are being controlling - monogamy is just a minimum in a healthy marriage.

What a massive dickhead.

What in the absolute fuck are you indulging this crap for?

"Ah he lost his smile, maybe he can ride some women, that will cheer him right up"

Tell him get fecking lost.

No OP you are not crazy, but you married to a complete tool.

I am also pg and DH has occasionally gone misty-eyed about our lack of exotic holiday opportunities for the next few years. (We also travelled a lot in the early years of marriage). I think it's normal to panic at the life-changing arrival of a baby, especially for men, but using that as an excuse to stick your penis in another woman? Not okay. And at the idea of his "needs". Did he actually say that with a straight face? Twat.

The time for him to raise this was before you got married, not when you are a few months pregnant and feeling like shit. He needs to be there to support you (this is the WORST bit of pregnancy), not mooning about sulking. I also worry a bit about gaslighting that you are asking if you are the crazy one.

I do hope counselling might help. I can't believe for one minute that he would feel any differently if he had shagged hundreds of women when he was young and single. You choose what you want and you go for it.

He is having a crisis and he needs to sort it, and the way to do that is not by playing away. To state the bleeding obvious, there is no chance that solves anything. Either he will feel guilty and pathetic and blame you for letting him do it ("you didn't love me enough to fight for me") or he will love it and decide that this new Casanova lifestyle is for keeps. Neither of those is any good for you or baby.

Sounds like maybe he has his eye on someone and wants permission to have a fling

Essentially he's saying, "I'm going to shag someone else, and you can't complain because I told you I needed to."

Charmer.

Sounds like maybe he has his eye on someone and wants permission to have a fling

I think this too. I think this is more a case of seeking permission to sleep with someone he knows, rather than some ransoms.

I wouldn't trust him to be faithful after this. You said no, he might do it anyway.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a thoroughly selfish man, and he's behaving appallingly. You should NOT have to put up with this crap!

I have two things to say, one about him and one about you. Firstly, I wonder if this is really not so much about sexual adventurousness but about the pregnancy, and anxiety about the responsibilities of being a father? I think many men worry a LOT about becoming a father and the life changes that entails, though not all of them make a right carry-on about it as yours is doing. I honestly think it sounds to me like he needs some counselling to help him cope with both the depression and this big life change that is coming. At present, it's as if he's creating some idealised version of himself as a sexual 'player' that seems to be far more about his own fantasies than it is about any reality. He's just too self-absorbed (or possibly scared) to realise how lucky he is to have someone like you, and a decent relationship. Perhaps speaking to a therapist in private would help him to realise that before he makes a catastrophic mistake??

Now my second point: you. If anything, I would say that you seem too calm, too considerate of his feelings here. You have a right to feel blazingly angry at the way he is behaving, but you just sound numb and shocked, very upset and a bit lost. I can relate to that: I had something happen to me quite a few years ago that was a huge shock in a long term relationship, and it was only actually after some months that the emotional reality really hit me. I think that, whatever the future, he owes you a massive apology and some reparations for putting you through this uncertainty at this time. It will take some work, on both sides, for you to rebuild the sense of security that is so important in a relationship, and that he has shattered with these revelations about wanting to sleep with other women. You have to decide whether that work is really worth it for you, not the baby and certainly not for him. It's a long, hard path with a lot of difficulties, and there will be times when you hate him for ever having said those things. It can be got through, but is he worth it?

sounds like maybe he has his eye on someone and wants permission to have a fling

Funny that was my first thought.

Tell him if he even points his dick in another direction he can leave and won't be coming back.

Stop indulging the tosspot.

That's a terrifying thought Davis, rubies. if that does happen & I will find out, it will be my boot and his a$$ out of the door.

For now, my solace is that I know his daily routine is water tight, and he hasn't had a chance to go looking or dipping anywhere.

I don't know where to start, but start I will because I am outraged on your behalf, OP!

Off late, he is often very sulky and depressed during late evenings and early mornings

Very passive-aggressive (PA) of him. Sulky little boy.

When I pressed on what the matter was

So you have to play mother and find out what's the matter with the poor little boy.

he explained that he feels his youth is being wasted

Marriage and having a family is "wasting" your life, in his book? What a pity he hadn't explored his feelings around this BEFORE you married and became pregnant.

we have travelled extensively as a couple, DH & I both have successful careers, and are away from our families geographically, have a good and enjoyable dance in the bed, plus we were into all sorts of activities... Hiking, meeting people, etc

Sounds like he has had plenty to enjoy and make the best out of life with you already. Why can't marriage and children be more of life's adventures?

This depression and moaning would started and was on and off till about two months ago

MORE moaning?

it was pretty much hell for me for most parts, with day long morning sickness and exaggerated jet lag

Did he, at any point, consider YOU on this trip?

But throughout the trip, DH kept whining about being depressed & sulked

Ah no, he spoiled the holiday and added to your pregnancy troubles with more pettishness and whining.

Once home, when I confronted and finally got to the bottom of the matter

Again, you have to play mother/detective to stop his whingeing? He needs to man up and out with it.

turns out he feels he has missed out on having sex with other women in his 20s as back then he was thoroughly focused into career/work. Plus he was a shy boy

Oh dear. What a hard-done-by man he is! These feelings of wistfulness for what he didn't seem to want years ago now trump your here-and-now pregnancy and illness.

Then we met, got married, and other than one girl he dated before he hasn't been with anyone else ...other than me

Is he kidding on that he was not responsible for any of this? These were all decisions HE took. Now he's sulking about them. He sounds very, very PA to me.

To be fair & honest, he hasn't cheated on me

Well, that's good of him, I suppose

and he is very openly discussing the prospects of a short-term one-sided open marriage for the lack of a better term

Yes, definitely sounds like he has his wife's and his unborn child's interests at heart here I don't think! The better term for it would be "shagging around and exposing his wife to humiliation and STIs and providing a crap role model for his child" but that's a much longer term.

He has a very charming personality and easily win people over with his smile

From where I'm sitting, he doesn't sound charming at all. Charming people do not behave like this.

He's not at all a Casanova

However, it seems like he wants to be? Pity he's just decided that now, though.

but genuinely a very nice & caring person

Again, I'm not seeing this from your post.

And the other bits would be just be a short 'experience' for him

Just what would YOU experience whilst he has his experiences?

But am I being crazy or controlling?

For not agreeing to him shitting all over your commitment to each other?

I feel horrible to see him lose his easy smile around the house

Yes, heaven forfend he should lose his easy smile and return to the sulks because he doesn't get his way. Might be easier to lose him AND his easy smile!

tbh I don't want to be with someone who is unhappy coz he can't stick it into someone else

Who would want that? I don't blame you. From what you've said here, he will make your life very miserable indeed if he doesn't get his way.

Am I being stupid in hoping this to be a passing phase?

Is cruelty, lack of caring, entitlement and a bad attitude ever just a passing phase?

I can't really talk about this with any family or friends...

Thank goodness for MN.

Sorry for the long post, pregnancy hormones aren't helping in reigning in my emotions

I think it's really crap you can't enjoy your pregnancy as a couple because of this man-child. I am really angry for you. I know you'll get good advice here.

So he wants your permission to cheat. Charming
OP, stay strong. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't have to give him "permission" to do anything.
He's the one behaving like a selfish child. He made his decision when he married you and made those vows.

So he "regrets" not being more promiscuous? Oh boo hoo. We all have regrets, most of us get over them quite quickly, especially if you already have a partner/child/nice life.

I would be seriously re-thinking my future with this guy, if he is depressed and needs help from a doctor then that's one thing; wanting to cheat on your wife because you have some sort of childish and discontent "regret" that you didn't have more sex is totally another.

He has to learn to discriminate between 'want' and 'need' (and grow the fuck up).

Oh op, what a dreadful man you have married. You mention you take solace from the fact that he hasn't had a chance to go looking - really? He can look at work, at the gym, at the cafe, anywhere, there are ladies all over the place! I too think he already has a candidate in mind. Sorry.

For him to say that to you, now, whilst his child is growing in your belly, is despicable and I would not be able to forgive him. In fact, at the time of that conversation I'd have told him to pack a bag.

Could you go to relate and see if you can resolve this? Do you want to?

He needs a massive reality check about what he has to lose, which he will, just to get his end away a bit more. How could he possibly be considering that it might be worth it, and can't he understand how upsetting it is to you to hear that from him? Sorry he's being such a dick when you are pregnant and will want to keep hold of him, I hope he wakes up and stops being so stupid soon - before doing anything (further) to risk your relationship.

Unforgivable. I can't believe you're being so calm about this!

I'd have told him to pack his bags, and to go speak to the person he respects most in the world and tell them the reason why he ended his marriage to his pregnant wife.