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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much extra do you spend on the kids in the hols?

23 replies

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 10:21

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or if DHs expectations are off.

Due to mh issues I can't have any access to money or drive at the moment so we've had quite a low key holidays so far, just lots of free activities (park etc) within walking distance and several tv days.

When dh got home yesterday we all went to the shop. I bought kids a chocolate bar each, some chocolate milk and some grapes as an extra treat. With milk, bread, fags and wine it came to thirty quid.

Dh was a bit pissy about it. The fags and wine came out of my personal 'allowance' (I'm allowed one bottle of wine and 4 packs of cigs a week) but obviously the rest was extra.

Dh feels that buying stuff for the kids was over the top and that they should just eat and drink the things we buy in the weekly shop. I feel that buying a small treat for them in the holidays is a worthwhile expense.

This was the first trip to the shop since Saturday so it's not like I'm spending money every day.

It's not a huge deal but I'm wondering if it's just me being impulsive and spendy, or if DH's expectations are a bit off. He's never had to have control of the family budget before I got ill and is hugely frugal and I think I've lost sight of what's 'normal'.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 10:31

I should say we do have some things planned for the rest of the holidays, we're going to the beach and for a meal at the weekend and are going camping in a couple of weeks, so it's not that he expects us not to spend any money at all, it's just the extra 'fripperies' he thinks are unnecessary.

OP posts:

Clonakilty · 05/08/2016 10:33

I think it's very nice to give them a little treat like that. That's all I can do for my DD and she's very appreciative. I think the issue is your fags, to be honest. The price of them is exhorbitant and if you could cut down there'd be more money for treats and maybe a trip to the cinema. I know it's easy to say, though ...

RB68 · 05/08/2016 10:36

Just put the treats in the shop, far cheaper that way to be honest. He is being a bit mean but I also understand that sinking feeling when something comes to what seems a huge amount for a few bits and bobs.

Are you happy with his level of control over you?? Your kids are good if they weren't mithering you for sweets anyway!

Perhaps have a chat about a bit of a "holiday allowance" for the kids entertainment to allow a bit of freedom to do other things like go swimming

RB68 · 05/08/2016 10:36

Are you happy with his level of control over you?? Your kids are good if they weren't mithering you for sweets anyway!

Perhaps have a chat about a bit of a "holiday allowance" for the kids entertainment to allow a bit of freedom to do other things like go swimming

FrameyMcFrame · 05/08/2016 10:42

Dearie me, is he normally this mean?
It's only a bit of chocolate and some fruit!
He is being very unreasonable

NoCapes · 05/08/2016 10:46

Really?!
He's fine with you buying wine and fags but is pissy about the kids having ONE chocolate bar?! really?!

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 10:52

Well, to be fair we do buy chocolate bars (clubs and penguins sort of things) and fruit with the weekly shop so this was extra.

I'm happy for him to have control of the finances because I'm not safe to have free access to money. But id like him to loosen the purse strings a bit and not do a cats bum face every time we spend something 'out of budget'.

We're not skint or anything.

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 05/08/2016 10:54

Bizarre that he is worried about a bit of fruit/chocolate when you must be spending at least £40 a week on fags/wine.

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 10:58

His point is that my spends are budgeted for and the extra treats were, well, extra.

He never buys things on impulse so it's anathema to him to pick up extra bits in the shop 'just because'.

OP posts:

kissmethere · 05/08/2016 11:05

It's easy to get an unexpected spend in the shop especially with the kids with you!
It's lovely for them to get a treat he shouldn't be so grumpy about it. The fags and wine are not a priority but you chose to buy them as well as something for the kids. Does he not remember what it was like going to the shop and getting a treat?

MrsWorryWart · 05/08/2016 11:05

If I'm honest, I think your DH is being quite unreasonable. As long as you are not skint and can afford the extra.

I give my children an extra allowance, each weekday, in the summer holidays. We'd only be giving them money for school lunches otherwise.

PinkissimoAndPearls · 05/08/2016 11:08

Four packs of cigarettes a week - is that a typo? If not...blimey. How much does that cost?

So you have handed financial control to him as you aren't capable of managing money at the moment, but you aren't happy with his control? (I don't mean that meanly, I understand). But you obviously have some form of discretionary spending/limit or budget as you spent money on your own in the corner shop?

If this is the case, you do have a certain amount of "spending" money each week and you choose within this budget what you spend it on eg extra treats for the kids, going to cinema etc? Yet your DH thinks you are BU in how you spend this budget?

Amelie10 · 05/08/2016 11:08

I think he's being really mean and tight. It's just a chocolate bar and grapes! Hardly breaking the bank.

ssd · 05/08/2016 11:10

I'm happy for him to have control of the finances because I'm not safe to have free access to money

who decided this op?

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 11:13

I don't have a budget as such, just that I buy a bottle of wine and four packs of cigs, so roughly £35 a week. I know it's not ideal but I'm not in a good enough place to give up smoking at the moment, I will tackle it once I'm stable.

Yes, I was happy to hand over control to him but I hadn't figured in how naturally frugal he is and how much he'd disapprove of spending anything extra. He needs to have control so I don't impulsively buy big ticket items or book holidays, and so I can't just go to the shop and buy two bottles of wine and a load of paracetamol, so it's understandable.

He's generally lovely and I know he's not being mean, he just isn't a natural spender and balked a bit at the till.

OP posts:

redskytonight · 05/08/2016 11:23

We buy treats like that as part of the weekly shop normally and the children eat stuff from home.

If I were buying the children a treat I wouldn't buy them sweets and chocolate milk and grapes - it would be one of them.

But if you have issues with spending I can see why your husband is worried. I would suggest agreeing a budget for spending, and perhaps what it is to be used for e.g. going to x attraction that costs so much to get in and them enough money for an icecream for all of you.

catinthecradle · 05/08/2016 11:43

I can't help finding this thread awfully sad, sorry OP.

I am puzzled that grapes are considered a treat, fruits and veg are just normal basic food. (I don't even consider chocolate milk a treat either frankly, I just don't buy it all the time as I am not sure it would be healthy to have every day.) One bar of chocolate is hardly spoiling the kids and perfectly reasonable.

I can't really comment on your situation, it's not something I would be comfortable with, but it sounds like your DH has some valid reasons if he's worried about you buying too much wine and paracetamol. (which is what you wrote).
I would first have a discussion on what is considered treats however, if he's rationing the fresh fruits and vegs the kids are having!

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/08/2016 11:52

Was he maybe worried that you'd spent the extra on something you weren't supposed to have? (I mean you here and not the children?) Was it clear that the extra spends weren't an extra bottle of wine etc I suppose I'm asking, so that maybe his snippiness is part of worry rather than mean-ness?

Otherwise, I think it is appropriate that children get an occasional treat during the holidays, it's not the same having something from the house when compared to actually choosing something for yourself from the shop, although the latter is undoubtedly more expensive.

I hope you get well soon OP.

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 12:10

He was with us in the shop so he knew what we'd bought.

It wasn't a huge issue, he didn't say no to any of it, he was just a bit humphy and asked on the way out if it was really necessary to buy the extras. We'd gone to the shop for milk, wine, bread and fags so anything else was fripperies.

He is the sort of guy who takes the exact change to the shop for what he needs (which infuriates me when he comes back empty handed because he underestimated the price).

OP posts:

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/08/2016 13:09

Ah okay. Does he take no pleasure in treating the children to anything? Or is it okay as long as it is on his terms and at a time weher he has allocated?

My DH will moan if the kids (now teenagers) spend money given on a bottle of fizzy juice or chocolate as "they don't need it" but he took them away camping for a couple of days and did his own shopping for that and took them bottles of their favourite fizzy stuff, muffins, chocolate, crisps etc and he treated them to ice-cream while away and a scone with jam on the drive home. I'm not bothered by it and in fact I am please that he is treating them, but it does amuse me. If we stop off at services as a family when we are away he gets a coffee which he needs in order to maintain alertness (fair enough, he is driving) but grumbles if anyone gets anything else.....maybe it's me he doesn't want buying anything....

I'm not sure what the solution is other than maybe allocating the kids a pound or two every so often for their entertainment, If he did it in small amounts and insisted it was spent then there wouldn't be the risk of it building up to enough to be useful to you.

Original poster

LewisAndClark · 05/08/2016 13:11

He does treat them, and often to big ticket things. He has no problem with pre arranged spends. I think he just thinks that popping to the shop for treats is wasteful when we could save the money for a day out etc.

OP posts:

NickiFury · 05/08/2016 13:12

Eye wateringly too much. I can't bear to think about it actually.

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/08/2016 13:21

So he is not just mean in general, that's good. maybe he just doesn't remember the pleasure of being a child and having something to spend of your own choosing.

Maybe a compromise would be deciding before you go that they will be able to choose something and giving them an amount that would get some sort of treat, but taking the other part with you from the house? I mean maybe talking a drink from the house but giving them money to choose crisps or a bit of chocolate or taking a snack and allowing them to choose a drink from the shop?

I know my two used to get a lot of pleasure from those small purchases and would deliberate (far too long) for ages trying to decide what to have. teaches them about budgeting too.

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