To want to just take the kids on holiday without DH from now on

[FramptonRose]

So as not to drop feed, currently on holiday (well visiting family) with DH and three DC's.
DH has a very stressful job, he runs a small company, he works long long hours and even when we are away he has to be completely contactable.
He has spent the best part of this week on the phone (as I expected), unfortunately there were a few jobs coming to an end. It's not something we can ever plan for as when we book to go, for a few months down the line, we do not know what will come up, work wise.
He has been out a few nights with his family, which I do not begrudge and would actively encourage him to do, so he can destress but I also did point out I don't want to be left alone every evening.
Fast forward to tonight, we grabbed a takeaway, put kids to bed, he was on the phone for ages, in this time I started watching a programme, he got off the phone, programme had about 10 minutes left, he started bombarding me with questions about it. I probably did snap a bit (I am exhausted - as you can imagine away with three young DC's). I got his response which was 'what was the point in him staying in to watch me watching TV'
I just feel in the last few years, I dread a family holiday, always stressful, on eggshells around him and always trying to make sure he is having a good holiday and relaxing.
In fairness he always says I should stop worrying about him, he wants me to have a nice holiday with the kids etc, it just feels like when we are actually away, I can't wait to get home and get back into my routine with the kids.
I feel like I may as well being the kids away next time, wouldn't have to worry about him stressing about going away in the middle of a project, about him being moody or siting there while he literally spends half (if not more)) of the day on the phone!

I'm amazed at the amount of people who think it's OK that their work place should be able to contact them when on holiday! The point of the holiday is to have a break from work, surely?

Nothing is so important that a phone call/email can';t wait 5 days.

Sorry but it's not. What would the workplace do if you/DH/DP was run over by a bus and unconscious? They'd bloody well muddle on and cope! so why should they contact you when you're on your break?

I was finally forced to build a team to cover me when I had to have surgery earlier this year. It's wonderful - everything went really well while I was in hospital and then convalescing. It made me realise that the world will not cease to turn on its axis just because I didn't answer the phone or respond to emails for a week! As a result I now know that I can go away and confidently rely on the team to deal with any issues that arise, and have already had two long weekend breaks with no business phone or emails.

It's definitely easier to break the addiction if you deliberately do not take the device that you normally deal with work stuff on.

0001100011 - if the OP's DH went under a bus the company would fold. He owns it. It's a bit different to being an employee.

That said, OP I wonder if you can negotiate for allocated work/non-work time when on holiday? You might also get a bit more time with your DH if away from family so the temptation isn't there to go out with others all the time. But you do both sound like you're willing to try and find a way through so hopefully if he can take on board how it feels for you when he's so unavailable you will find a solution.

DP is the same with his phone, except he is junior so feels he has to keep up with the people like your DP who are firing off emails left, right and centre. He and I had a few days away in a hotel with patchy phone signal and wifi only in the communal areas (genuinely didn't realise when I booked).

He fell asleep reading in an armchair 20 minutes after we got there.

When I was younger, we had our family holiday at Christmas or Easter, then in the summer my mum took the children away so my dad (self employed) could work. We had a fortnight with grandparents or camping and dad would come for a couple of days at the end and drive us home.

I would just like to add (as stated in my OP) I do understand that my DH has to be contactable when we are away. He runs a small company, which in this day and age is hard enough, he only started it up 3 years ago so still growing.
We have not got funds at the moment to pay someone a wage to project manage, it's a very different situation than working for a company and taking annual leave.

We have 4 children and I regularly take them away for breaks as my husband stresses me out too much while we are on holiday.
My eldest now feels to old to join us but me and the three younger ones still enjoy doing this a couple of times a year. We don't go abroad but might go camping to Pontins to Butlins or simply stay somewhere nice in the countryside.
This year I was able to get away and visit family abroad for a week and I am returning the favour to my DH. He is staying with them for a week in September with Our oldest son.
This will be the first time we have actually had separate holidays and it is working really well.

I find that by being able to take the children away alone means later on if we are able to get away as a family it can be that little bit less stressful

My boss (also a control freak) is one of the Directors at the small company we work for. He also takes his phone away with him on every holiday, but we've now come to an agreement (well, I decided...).

If he is away for a week or so, I simply refuse to email him unless it is absolutely something he needs to know about - and then I usually word it as a yes/no question so he can have all the facts and get back to me quickly.

If he is away for longer, I send a weekly update so his precious oversight control freakery is sated, but I'm also not bothering him with day to day emails.

In both scenarios, I save all the non-urgent communications as draft emails and only send them when he is back home/on the plane and out of wifi range.

But how urgently does he need to be contacted?

Could you compromise on checking calls/emails at set points in the day (like a break from the holiday to do some work)? Or is it that things need to be sorted immediately?

Thank you everyone for the good advice.
OTheHuge - thank you, a lot of people do not really understand (including my own family) why DH should be on the phone at all. It is so stressful when all the responsibility falls on his sholders.
Although I do agree we really need to sit down and work out a way of being able to have quality family time and he is open to building a team up that can completely take over when he is away. Unfortunately in the past we have had (as another PP mentioned) people leaving just before we left to go on holiday, sickness etc.

Dandelion - I think we will have to start going down the route of having a family holiday at another time of year and perhaps me taking the children in the summer on long weekends - that's if we can afford all of that

Dandelion - most of the emails and calls need a urgent answer. A job needs booking in, or materials are about to be delivered to site, he needs to ensure all of the guys are in the right place to take the delivery etc.

It's very tricky because your DH needs to be contactable because he's the owner. Is it possible you take the dc's away, say Monday to Friday and DH joins you for the weekend. Alternatively go away together at a different time of year when dh's business is quieter. Half term or Christmas.

The most useful deflector of pushy phone calls/emails I've got on my team is a former doctor's receptionist - Rottweiler levels of protection! Worth looking for someone like that when he starts trying to create his team

Sounds grim op I don't blame you for being pissed off. Does he really have no one working for him who he can trust to run things whilst he's away? It is he a control freak who just can't let it go? Can he afford to pay a trusted team member a bit more for a couple of weeks a year to take on some of the decision making?

I'm a freelancer and holiday for me was a bit the same, although only one client phoned this time. I did put out an email saying a I was going to be away and nothing would be done, but inevitably I had to check in a few times and deal with some stuff, but I kept it to a minimum.

Next year I have come to a reciprocal agreement with another local designer to provide holiday cover for each other, which hopefully will work well. We will also pick up each others extra overload. Is there anything like that which could work for your DH, another business owner in a similar sector who could pick up for your DH and he does the same service for them. Or a trusted employee who he could train up. Then only the very urgent calls or something which needs higher authoristation comes through to your DH. Fielding all requests through email is a good idea too, then he can decide whether to deal with, delay or hand on to someone else.

Take the kids away without DH. You'll all have a much better time. Presumably this situation won't last forever. I took the kids to Orlando Disney years ago because at the time I was booking it DH couldn't give me a firm yes that he'd be available at any time during the summer. So I booked for just us and then when holiday time came around he sulked because he wasn't coming. We had a great time.

I read your post op about the company only being three yr old and not being able to afford managers to take the pressure off your dp and you're right it's not like he can take annual leave, it is very hard and I speak from experience, first hand experience, again 6 yrs down the line and we still find it hard going sometimes. Those who have only worked in an employed capacity will never be able to get it, I have had family members say just book some time off or just get some staff in, good lord if it was just that simple! He's doing great for the company being three years old learn to work with it and imagine the work ethic your kids will get seeing both of you build this and make it work, the work life balance will come with time. Those who say otherwise and say it should be happening now could well be working in an employed capacity where there are other people above them whom shoulder more responsibility than them and there may be even people avocet those again etc. When you are top of the ladder in a small place it's easier said than done when you have overheads, wages, profit to make etc and no one to answer to.

Our set up sounds very similar to yours frampton although we are now 10 years down the line.
We have found that it works well for dh to deal with calls and emails for an hour or so first thing in the morning and then for and hour late afternoon/eve. We do employ others now who are very able and also have a friend in same trade who can cover any emergencies, but it is dh's baby so very hard to switch off.

I take the dc away for short holidays without dh but our main one is aways with dh. I will take them out in am and allow him time to work and then he is ours for the rest of the time!

Thank you runslikethewind and Kahlua, it's really nice to read experiences from people in the same boat.
I often feel like a lot of people don't get it (not their fault, they have just not been in that position)
DH works very hard and the company is very much his baby, in fairness to him hr always apologies when we have a row.
I suppose it is so hard now to see a time where we will be able to get away and actually have a holiday with less worry about work, maybe that will be a long time coming, if at all.
We will find a way round it though, am really keen to explore our main holiday being a different time of the year to the summer.

I think you need to consider the feelings of your dc. I came second to my dad's business for many years. How do they feel about a dad who spends his holiday working?