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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Say enough is enough

14 replies

UnderaRock · 03/08/2016 01:56

So for a little back story my MIL plays favorites like no bodies business. When my husband was 12 he was sent to live with his grandparents because his mom didn't want to deal with him. They pretty much raised him. He does not want anything to do with his family since his grandparents died. He'll put in an appearance on Thanksgiving and Christmas and that's it. She's made it very obvious and even told him she doesn't really want him around.

My kids are 12 and 10 and when they were little MIL was up their butt but her two favorite kids had children 3 and 5 years ago. Since then she has stopped buying my children birthday gifts, coming to their birthday party. She will do things with her other grandkids but not do anything with my kids. She takes the others to the zoo every other weekend and has taken my kids once this entire year. She's got a standing invitation for dinner at my home but refuses to come to dinner and see the kids and then will post photos from my BILs house where she had dinner.

It kind of came to head yesterday when I was scrolling through FB and my 10 year old was sitting with me and she goes 'Why is Grandma with the others at Holiday World?' Holiday World is a big deal amusement park. I had no idea what to tell her. They hadn't been invited and we hadn't been asked if we could even buy the kids tickets.

My kids are crushed and keep saying they don't like MIL anymore. They've not seen her since February when she came over for 10 minutes and then left. Honestly at this point am I being unreasonable to just cut her out?

Also we do not live out of the way at all. We live 10 minutes from her house! I'm just tired of my kids being treated like the unwanted step children so to speak.

Oh and I'm in a wheelchair and she lives on a huge hill without a drive to her door and about 35 steps. She will tell me that if my kids wanted to see her so badly I'd bring them to visit. I'm unable to even get to her front door let alone in her home. So there are reasons we don't go to her home (I'm not parking on the street and letting my kids run off when she has such a bad history of really......taking care of my kids.)

This is probably rambly but I'm just tired of my kids being in this mess with her :(

OP posts:
TangfasticFanatic · 03/08/2016 02:05

I would just cut her out. You are making an effort by continually inviting her to your house and trying to make arrangements for her to see her grandchildren and she doesn't take up those invited and seemingly doesn't even come by when its convenient for her.
Do your husbands siblings make an effort with you/ your husband/children?

Original poster
UnderaRock · 03/08/2016 02:08

Tang no they see their aunts and uncles less than they do MIL, once a year or so usually Christmas only. They just don't seem interested at all. It's a very strange family dynamic to be honest and boggles my mind a little.

OP posts:
TangfasticFanatic · 03/08/2016 02:17

Oh that's running. I was going to suggest inviting them over too, if she seems more inclined to see/visit them.
Maybe it's for the best you don't see them anymore then, save all the upset when they do decide to make an appearance and then disappear again.
What does dh think?

TangfasticFanatic · 03/08/2016 02:18

Running? I meant rubbish!

Original poster
UnderaRock · 03/08/2016 02:22

Oh they refuse to come over. My BIL thinks he is better than us because of the kind of house we live in. Honestly I can't really see a downside to cutting them out. Save for MIL calling me none stop crying that we hate her because she likes to pull that stuff.

My husband said it's up to me but he doesn't think of MIL as his mom because his grandmother was more a mom than MIL was. So really I just need to make the decision and it will be done.

OP posts:
TangfasticFanatic · 03/08/2016 02:26

I would just do it. Cut ties with her, she's been invited to come to your house to see her grandchildren - multiple times by the sound of it & can't be bothered. It's not even far away so no excuse and obviously favours other grandchildren. I see no reason why you would want to keep in contact with her. Sounds like it would be better for you and dh and the children to cut contact instead of her dipping in and out of your lives when she feels like it. Especially since the children have started to notice x

Original poster
UnderaRock · 03/08/2016 02:30

I went about a year inviting her over almost weekly for dinner. I told her she didn't have to bring anything and she just never came. So yeah. I think you are right.

OP posts:
GarlicMistake · 03/08/2016 02:31

"My kids are crushed and keep saying they don't like MIL anymore. They've not seen her since February when she came over for 10 minutes and then left."

Your kids are on the money here. It looks like the only person pursuing a relationship with this manipulative baggage is you. Give it up!

I get that it must feel very weird to someone from a normally functional family (I wouldn't know, mine's dysfunctional) - but what your husband tells you, and you have observed, is all you need to decide this isn't a good person. And why would you choose to embrace someone like that in your family life?

TangfasticFanatic · 03/08/2016 02:32

Seems like you'll be better off, less energy spent trying to make a relationship with her and she can't be bothered.
Just focus on your husband and children.
She is clearly the one missing out and will probably see that eventually and it'll be too late for her.

Original poster
UnderaRock · 03/08/2016 02:36

Thanks Garlic and Tang I kept pushing it because honestly I felt bad for her. But now I think that was her goal. We'd be a lot less stressed without her in our lives for sure.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 03/08/2016 02:40

Don't bother with her anymore, you have done everything you can to include her in your family, she sounds like a total cow! Enjoy your dh & your dcs, you all deserve to be treated better than this, but its not going to happen, not your fault, totally her loss!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/08/2016 02:54

If your DH isn't bothered, then I'd let the children call the shots. They have more invested in a relationship with a grandmother than a daughter in law would. If they want to call it quits, let them. I have an "interesting" relationship with my own ILs and one of my kids really bothers, the rest can take or leave them.

DeathStare · 03/08/2016 04:51

I don't think you actually need to cut her out. Just stop calling her or inviting her.

At the moment you are doing all the running so just stop. If she puts in the effort to call you or come and see you then so be it but don't make an effort with her until she does.

Creampastry · 03/08/2016 07:35

Another vote to stop inviting and calling.

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