Trying again with the ex

[Einna88]

TL;DR at the bottom for those in a hurry.

Long story short - things were going great for a couple of years with only normal and minor hiccups. One or two bigger things - he's pro schools I'm pro homeschooling, he's aethiest I'm religious, and we can never agree on money - but nothing we couldn't manage. So after 2 years together and 1 year living together, we decided to try for a baby. Then six months later my DS from a previous relationship, then 6, started having medical problems and I suffered a decline in my mental health, his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and we decided to stop trying for a baby. What we didn't know is that we were already pregnant.

Over then next 16 months, which covered my pregnancy and the first few years of DD's life, our relationship continued to disintegrate. My son got worse and worse and eventually had to go and live with his grandparents, DH's dad died, the baby was born. He withdrew into himself and became severely depressed, and whilst I sympathize with his situation he did end up becoming a real jerk for several months - he never hit me, but it was things like, whilst before he'd been an aethiest now he was really aggressively against all religion and would insult me for my beliefs, and tell me that he was alright with me teaching DD about religion "once she's old enough to know it's all bull". He told me if I try to homeschool her he will leave me and send CPS after me, he's told me it's my fault that I was abused as a kid 'cause good kids don't get treated that way, it's my fault that I was raped by a friend as an adult because a healthy person would have known he was a danger, and eventually in the last couple of months we were fighting constantly about money because he didn't want to have to pay for the house because it's "my" house and "my" bills (it was my place originally before he moved in a year into the relationship, and he's lived there since).

The final straws were in April, when he started telling me that I wasn't allowed to disagree with him, that I was the problem in our relationship, and that we would work out so long as I changed the way I behaved and I changed the way I spoke to him. Since we broke up we've had daily contact for DD's benefit, but we still argue a lot - he's been reluctant to pay child support, he's consistently disrespectful to my home and leaves mess every time he visits, and twice now has accused me of abandoning DD because I've been unavailable during his contact time with her, leaving her alone with him. There's loads of other long term issues but this is long enough already.

Now he's telling me he misses me, that he's willing to try counselling, and he wants to change and fix the mess that our relationship was. I've agreed because I feel like with professional help we have a chance, slim though it may be. Also because we're fighting constantly anyway so being split up hasn't really helped us get space from each other, and also because if I don't try this now that he's willing to try counselling, I'll always worry that it could have worked and I didn't give it the chance to. At least if it tries and fails, I'll know for sure and we can move on.

However, because of his behaviour previously I feel like I'm taking a lot of fear and resentment into the relationship, and like he needs to make it up to me. I can't help feeling this way but also feel like I'm being unfair to him.

TL;DR: what would you do if your ex wanted to try again with a messed up relationship? Do you think couples counselling will actually help at all? And AIBU to agree to try again but be taking so much anger and anxiety into the relationship going forwards?

[Einna88]

Honestly I think you guys are right. I think he's probably an abusive asshole, I think in a month or two we'll be broken up again. Thanks for helping me admit it - I really don't think it's going to work. It might, and I have to give it the chance to with professional intervention, but I have to accept that it almost certainly won't.

Either way I won't be putting up with the same nasty behaviour again, and I'm confident that in a couple of months we'll either be fixed (5% sure) or apart (95% sure), I know we won't be together if the arguments and the abuse continues.

Thanks MN.