To think friends aren't all they are cracked up to be

[Summerday11]

I know every situation is different . I'm married however have always put a effort into friendships as well . It just feels like others don't do the same . Another friend who I have been close to ( or so I thought ) for 10 years has basically dropped me as I no longer fit in her life style . Looking back since being with her partner of 2 years she has changed beyond belief. Aibu thinking it's not worth the hassle ? Life is busy yet Iv put my self out to be there . I'm now thinking why bother . Always told don't just relie on your marriage invest in friends - yet my husband ( despite our ups and downs ) hasn't let me down like so called friends .is this just me ? I guess I thought once a friendship got to 10 years you would always be friends -how wrong can you get ?

I think the right friends can enrich you by being there for you or sharing the journey through life with you. I go for the old quality over quantity mantra and know that I could count on them to be sincere and have my back the same way I would, in return, be there for them. So many people have aquantences whom they consider to be their friends or large groups of childhood friends that they refuse to let go of even though they get nothing from the friendships. I have a few people who I suspect want my friendship more than I want theirs, these are the people i will never consider important to me as I don't like the lack of personal qualities, which often include jealously, falsness and self indulgence.

My DH is my best bud. He would be even if we weren't married/together, I suspect. He's my sort of person.

I've been let down badly by 'friends' and I also can't stand flakes; if we've made plans and I've given you 2 months notice for a barbecue, I don't expect a lame excuse about not coming after the coals are already on fire!

I get the impression that much anxiety is fuelled by people's seemingly exciting lives on Facebook. I am willing to bet that much of these social butterflies' time is spent on their arse watching telly!

I have ASD so people find me weird and I can't always judge their mood or thoughts (pain/hunger/annoying label in pants face looks pretty much the same as the 'go away and stop talking' face to me) so I had given up on making friends, but I have found that some people have come to me and I've met new ones in the course of jobs/hobbies/gym. I don't think they're deep friendships but that's ok by me.

Friends definitely evolve...I'm changing my life at the moment and will probably no longer see 2 or 3 friends much, if at all as we are moving in different directions.
But I have other friends, and some new ones too.
It's ok for that to happen as long as it's not done in a nasty way.

flap - yes, good point actually my DH is the same as me and can't be arsed with keeping up friendships either. He chats to the blokes at work during the working day but wouldn't want to see or hear from them more than that.

If DH was more into having loads of friends it might bother me more that i don't, but we're both very happy as we are with just each other, our kids and immediate family really. And the occasional chat with an old mate and a promise to keep in touch more that never happens

In my experience, it's precisely those who are full of drama, always going through tough times etc that always let you down when you need them.

It's the ones that largely cope with their own stuff, but share enough to be mutually supportive, but who also like to have a good time with you, that are the ones that really would be there for you if your world really fell apart.

They may not want to sit around sweating the small stuff, but they know what to do when it really counts. I now consciously avoid anyone who just talks about themselves and isn't interested in my life. They won't change. Ever. Having said that, some people can be great fun but are self-obsessed too. They just fit into the aquaintance box.

I had a great friendship (best friends) from age 5 to 25. In that period she had 2 kids, became a single mother and life was hard (she admits that), whereas I was always a career girl. We fell out over something stupid at 25 then reconnected briefly a few years ago but I held a grudge. In the interim period she turned up at my flat with her teenage son in winter unexpectedly (someone we knew gave her my address) all the way from the Essex coast to London and as I was still angry with her I turned her away, angrily. Then strangely enough she friend requested me on FB we had a messenger chat there for about an hour and she said something about friends forever - basically what she hadn't said before. It was a real eye opener and I hadn't realised some people mature over time and are sorry for the past but can't vocalise it easily.

I think some friendships ebb and flow but also another friend told me - it becomes much easier when you're older to end toxic friendships, have done this in past few years about 3 people, and honestly? My life is better without them in it.

So sorry for your loss Poverty..

I think it's true that friendships change and friends come in and out of our lives. It's rare a friend would last a lifetime I think.

Justaskingnottelling - very true.

I tally with that Justasking.
I let a valuable friendship spanning 17 years go. She was great company, funny, familiar and felt like family we were so close. It was easy to get swept up in her tales and dramas and I was always there for her.
As the years went by however, she notably let me down on those rare occasions where I looked for support myself. If it wasn't her show, she wasn't interested.
I grew up and woke up and set her loose. I don't bear her any ill will - just don't have the time.

Povery I too am very sorry for your loss and your loneliness.

I have been let down badly also, so I continue to have just 2 friends. One friend (a bit of a difficulty personality) I lost 2 yrs ago and I had attended court with her as emotional support, got her through a serious operation, listened for hours and hours over 8 yrs about an ongoing legal matter she is pursuing. I helped draft letters for her, pointed out things she should highlight, etc etc.

Not one of her other friends would do that for her, I know that. But one day I think she misheard what I said on the phone and she blew a gasket. What have I said? I kept asking her but she went off on one, so I said I'm so horrid then don't worry because I will never phone you again. And I havent and she hasnt.

edit meant to say "If I'm so horrid, then ....."

I think it totally depends on your personality and particular situation. If you've got a partner and kids, you may not have much time for friends or even emotional need for them. If you're single, on the other hand, they can be a major thing in your life and a true lifesaver. Personally, I am fairly outgoing, and like to have some friends, I also feel that I need to have someone to talk to who can provide a different perspective than DH, and someone who's also a woman and understands and cares about hair cuts, pregnancy (actually being pregnant), and just generally being a woman. I always feel revived when 'I've seen good friends. I also think that sometimes friends can take some of the pressure of my relationship if I'm in a bad mood and I can vent to someone else than DH, so he doesn't always have to listen to it!

That said, like you, I have been massively disappointed in many friends over the time who've let me down in various ways, either suddenly not wanted to invest as much in the relationship as I did, or in various ways been selfish and uncaring. I guess I have very high expectations for friends, and always try to do my best with them, so if someone else doesn't it really hurts me. My position on the matter now is that I don't want to spend time or energy on people whose friendship I have to chase or struggle to hold on to, or people who are flaky and cancel often, or people who are selfish. If people want to be my frie3nd and treat me with respect, I am their friend, but whereas I in younger years had a very proactive attitude to friendship and loads of friends, I now have a lot fewer and more of a cautious and laid back attitude.

It's very hard to get any balance whatever your situation and everyone is juggling the same. I am single so would love to have some closer friendships but the other single people I know all have large families and spend a lot of their free time with them / holidays etc. Many friends are married and inevitably have less space for friends - it's a generalisation but I think unless people make the time it can be very hard to maintain a great friendship. I was only wishing the other day that I had a larger group of friends who lived closer to go camping with etc. It makes me sad when we go away and see huge friendship groups all laughing and staying up late with the kids and DC and I are on the periphery. However, sometimes friends arrive in your life at these times, so it's good to keep an open mind to all of the new people you meet .

It is a cliche, but you really do find out who are true friends in times of adversity - before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I would have said certain people would always be there for me. I was really surprised (and disappointed) at how many so-called friends weren't.

On the flip side, I was so touched at other people who were a huge support and whom I now count as real friends.

I do sometimes wonder if I expect too much from people though . I think some people are 'givers' and some 'takers' emotionally and experience has shown me that the takers aren't very good at swapping roles.

It is so hard to find the time between work, kids, running a house and trying to have a relationship, if you are – and for me, getting my alone time as well. I'm an introvert with ASD traits so it always surprises me that I do have quite a few friends, and do make new ones - but they have to be the type who doesn't mind if they don't hear from me for 6 months. No one else would put up with me!

In fact one of my oldest friends from university now lives in NZ and I only see him every few years. But when we meet up we chat away like anything and really get on.

But what I cannot do is high-maintenance friends who will be upset if I don't text back immediately or have to flake on a night out because of exhaustion.

I've also found that since having DC I'm more ruthless - if a friend is pissing me off, I don't keep trying forever. Just don't have the energy.

I don't think there's any number of years' friendship that guarantees it will go on for life.

I could have written that myself OP. I have dp who is my best friend and ds, and I love spending time with them, but just now and again I wish I had a friend I could ring up and just go for a drink with, or go to their house t escape. I have no people with dc's for ds to play with and in the summer holidays its really getting to me.

I cut out my group from school over 10 years ago, when my mu got seriously ill I couldn't go out as much as they wanted and so they dropped me when i needed them most, were 36 now and I still see them on facebook going on fancy dress nights every other week and actually glad im not a part of it.

Because I took the option to grow apart from them i've been left alone for all that time. I have a few friends from college and uni, but most have moved away, the 1 who stayed I used to be really close to, since she got married last year she takes at least 3-5 days to reply to a text message and is so wrapped up in her husband's set of friends, never once invites me out with them and has just changed beyond recognition.

Im thinking of dropping her to be honest, I sent her a text last monday, i got a reply on friday. I just cannot be bothered to keep making the effort for people. It does get me down most days but as someone said above its mostly pressure from seeing things on facebook. Wish I could offer more advice but as you can tell Im feeling so down about it myself not much help at all!

I have single friends who believe you should never put a man (even your husband) before your female friends.. It's bizarre.

I had a friend for 46 years who I supported through thick and thin including some financial support. She let me down over the years., many times, big & small things. It was all about her and her car crash life, little support for me. I've finally given up and my life is the much the better for it. I have other friends I see on high days and holidays and another friend in another country I've been friends with for 40+ years, just a shame she's so far away. My mantra is if you want to do something badly enough, do it on your own, or with your partner. You can still enjoy things on your own. Can't understand why you need to go to the cinema or theatre with someone to enjoy it. Not as if you sit there and chat for 2 hours. If you do you're in the wrong place!

I am not really bothered about having friends, I consider my DH to be my best friend and I am close to my family. I have acquaintances but they are people I know through various activities so I see them during those activities but don't socialise with them outside of that and I don't share much of my personal life with them. I'm a very independent and capable person and I've managed to deal with a lot of things on my own before I met my DH, and I never feel the need to talk to anyone for emotional support or for practical help. I enjoy my own company and I never feel lonely when I'm on my own.

I have a different take on this possibly because I've moved around a lot. I think it's to do with expectations. I happily and wholeheartedly make friends but understand that life moves on and that there is no need for friends to be a fixture. People change, mature, develop new interests etc and sometimes friendships with some people become less important. I think that's ok. It doesn't mean the friendship wasn't important and worthwhile.
I have settled in one place now and have slowly built up some lovely friendships which I hope will be very long term but I love my more casual friends too.

I have moved quite a bit (a few different countries) but still have friends, some of whihc are VERY good friends. The type where you see them again 1.5 years and it's like you've never left.

I personally believe friends are important, if not essential. And yes DH is great but my interests and his don't always match and he is my lover, my partner with all it entails (the good bits and the bad bits). Friends are different.

I feel sad to see people who have very few friends like this. I also feel sad that most of my 'true' friends are abroad so I can't see them that much either.

A lot of the comments on here about 'having friends through activities but we never meet outside of that' is exactely what I see and TBH, I would call these people friends. :(:( to see it's so common TBH.
My very good friends are people I've shared a lot with. We support each other, laugh, have fun, see our dcs growing up. I wouldn't change that TBH.

Sorry it was supposed to be 'I would NOT call these people friends'