to think ds's reaction to team losing is unacceptable

[notagainnellie]

He is 9 and his cricket team went out of one of the competitions yesterday. We were there, though it got rained off. He wasn't too bad last night as I told him in no uncertain terms I wasn't walking home in the rain listening to him screaming. This morning he has been screaming, shouting, sulking and generally making life miserable for everyone.

I know he's genuinely upset and I do sympathetise. Ds2 is banned from screen for winding him up and has now advised ds1 to stop Shrieking as it won't change anything!

He is generally a terrible loser to the point where I dread playing games with him. However, he never behaves this way at school and was described by his teacher as the least competitive child she knows 😲

I feel like banning him from matches unless he bucks up today but also feel it would be cruel and ex would take him anyway. How do others deal with this type of thing?

One warning that if he doesn't stop it he won't be going to the next match.

Then follow this through.

Competitiveness is a good thing. Learning to loose is a good thing

It's a learning process. He is only 9.

Gosh, that does sound like a very upset child.

The chances are, he doesn't know why he feels this way either. Maybe talk to him about how he is feeling, and why he feels so bad, and see if you can drill down to understand the type of grief he's experiencing. It could be that your home is so lovely and secure that this is the first time he's really felt that something he wanted wasn't actually just going to happen. If so, that's a normal, natural learning process (and a good one to go through). It could, however, be that he's putting himself under far too much pressure, or that he doesn't understand that improving at something means losing over and over and over again.

First thing is to discuss it with your DH. I don't think banning him fm playing is mean at all, but it's pointless if your DH will undermine you anyway. You need a united front. His reaction sounds excessive to me, and I wouldn't want to be listening to it. He'd be in his bedroom until he calmed down, but everyone has their own way of dealing with it.

My ds is 10 and can often have really emotional, upset, shouty meltdowns. However I've learned that they're almost never to do with the surface issue, that's just something too hang the underlying issue on right now iyswim. Try and find some time over the next day to spend with him alone and gently chat about life, the universe and everything. Give him some space to open up. It'll take time and quite a few attempts I suspect but I think logoscat is right - the match is the focus of his upset, not the cause of it. That's a deeper issue about feelings and emotions. Years 4&5 have been very emotional ones for my ds so far, people talk about emotions in puberty in girls much more than for boys, but it's as much a thing for them as it is for girls ime.

My DS used to go mad if he lost at monopoly! It was horrendous. He was very annoyed at losing a game of crazy golf to a friend when he was 10ish. But not competitive at school either.

I'm afraid I don't have any 'proper' advice except to suggest aspergers. My DS was diagnosed when he was 8.

I might be making a blanket assumption here. In school l have found that gifted kids often have terrible problems with losing, to the extent that they really cry overdramatise and generally act like the world has ended. I often think it's because being gifted they come across so mature in their language and we expect such adult behaviour from them. But underneath their emotions naturally enough have not developed in line with their ability. Then when something like losing a match happens it all spills out and they are unable to stop it. None of this may apply to your guy.
I would sympathise with him and try to express for him how he is feeling. Is he very tired or may be coming down with something?

Just to say, I am an incredibly noncompetitive person- because I find losing really stressful and upsetting so I don't put myself in that position. I've been that way for as long as I can remember and it sounds like your son might be the same.

I would punish the shouting and screaming once it got beyond a certain point but not ban the matches, I personally think it's important to learn to deal with disappointment and losing (because I used to throw terrible tantrums but am now calm no matter what). Roger Federer used to act so appallingly when he lost that his father would refuse to speak to him.

A promising golfer friend of mine once took anger management to stop one bad shot turning into a bad day, bit drastic but could be worth considering if nothing else works.

Also the fact that he's not this way at school suggests that he knows he's making a show of himself, home is a safer environment to show his anger.

Honestly, you might be better off ignoring the outburst than punishing him for them...
He doesn't do it in school, so he must be enjoying the stage at home.

He doesn't do it at school so he is able to differentiate when to throw a tantrum. That's not acceptable. Losing is good as well, he needs to learn not to be a sore loser. Ask him why he doesn't behave that way at school.

Children who behave well at school, throw tantrums at home because they feel secure and not have to keep the appearances up.

My 7yo can be really dramatic sometimes. So what can i say... Try to distract with a treat or something, if he doesn't want it, then just let him sulk and ride it out, carrying on as normal.