To not want to go nc with in-laws?

[newmumintown]

Lots of back story, but the long and short of it is that dh wants to go nc with his family over something (in my opinion) relatively minor. I am torn between wanting to support him and his decision (he is clearly very upset) and not wanting this to happen to my family.
The ILs love my children very much, they don't always behave as I would choose them to, but we're all different and that's fine. We don't see that much of them (part of the issue) but the DCs love it when we do. Essentially I disagree with my DH and think it sets a terrible example to the children about how to deal with problems, but I don't see this ever getting resolved as DH's family refuse to talk about difficult subjects (and have previous form for going nc with family members for silly things).
In the interests of not drip feeding info...SIL has always 'needed' lots of help from PIL so sees them all the time, whereas we see them maybe every 5/6 weeks for a brief visit. DH now saying this is the way it's been all his life and doesn't want our children being treated like they are less important than hers, like he feels less important than SIL.
AIBU for wanting to stop this from happening and to bang their heads together?

Sorry but that is really awful! How sorry?

Sorry that you haven't take time to acknowledge the experiences that others have written about?

Sorry that you may not understand the depth of dmage sch upbringin canmean?

Or just "Sorry, I don't think it could possibly be that bad, unless it got physical" ?

OurBlanche

Sorry - because a boy who 'adores' his grandparent cannot see them anymore.

OP I'm in a very similar situation in that SIL 'needs' a lot of help and PILs have virtually no time for our DC's as a result. I think I noticed it first but DH has started to notice and make snipey comments to his parents although they don't seem to think that there is a problem or that they're doing anything out of line. Which technically in our situation, they're not. Is it possible that they just don't see how it's hurtful to you and DH (and by extension your DC's) I think part of it in our situation is them being oblivious to our need for support as they're so wrapped up with SIL....could it be the same for you? It must be really hard, I don't know what I would do if DH suddenly decided it upset him that much that he wanted to go nc.

But you read posts here saying that all the time: can't split from DH cos kids adore him... yet the father in question is an abuser, violent, drinks etc. It isn't all that simple, part of this sadly only too familiar to many story is because families do not split, part is just weird dynamics, and I don't think you understand that!

I have said it a few time now, it must be very hard to understand if you have not experienced it. It's bloody hard to describe, so I am not really surprised that it isn't easy to understand.

But surely they should be given the right to reply?

My brother has taken it upon himself to go NC with my parents - he has never told my parents why and they are left in the dark not knowing what they have/haven't done. It is distressing for them and harder to think what half truths and lies have beensaid to the children. You really don't have the right to remove a relationship from a child's life on a whim. If it was abusive or violent that goes without saying ..

Theknacktoflying
But surely they should be given the right to reply?

In the OP's case her DH's family wouldn't talk about it.

I also wouldn't consent to talking to someone I considered to be abusive.

Definitely more clarification needed OP. I'm nc with my parents and it is definitely not a light decision, though one I'm relieved I've made as their behaviour has not changed or improved and it's still all about them and their feelings. When I've tried to find ways through problems it's closed down or I get accused of "bullying" them.

Going NC isn't a tantrum, and I'm pretty sure OPs DH knows that, it happens when a relationship cannot be repaired and it causes constant hurt to keep flogging the dead horse of the relationship.

But you read posts here saying that all the time: can't split from DH cos kids adore him... yet the father in question is an abuser, violent, drinks etc. It isn't all that simple, part of this sadly only too familiar to many story is because families do not split, part is just weird dynamics, and I don't think you understand that

But we are not talking about a violent, abusing drinker are we?
Of course I understand there are cases where you have to break contact with people but OP and the other poster say they don't have a problem with the person. OP says it is a 'minor' problem ( although I accept to her DH is may not be)
My own mother was an alcoholic and was very very difficult. She was emotionally abusive to us. However, when I had my children, she was not like that with them at all. They loved her and I would not have deprived them of that.
I was only commenting on what we have been told. We cannot assume our children will be sensitive to the same scenarios we were as in not being seen as often as our cousins.

Theknack - that's an interesting point. Does your brother speak to you? Have YOU asked him about it? What does he say? Does he have a very different view of his childhood than you do of yours?

There was an excellent thread on here not that long ago discussing this issue, where toxic parents (not saying yours are, but they might be to your brother, but then again) always claim that they're never told what the problem is/was, when in fact they often ARE told exactly what the NC person feels is the problem, but the toxic parents refuse to accept/believe any of it, or minimise it and can't believe that it's a sufficient reason.
Your parents might be completely lovely and your DB might be the one with the problem; OR your parents might be toxic/narcs who refuse to accept his feelings/reasons so keep saying they don't know WHY.
You might not agree with your brother, because you might be the golden child and he might be the scapegoat; or he might just be the one with the problem, we can't tell.

As I said, it's an interesting one.

My Dh definitely isn't childish, there was all sorts of history/abuse/mental games, sibling being favored and others being scapegoats etc I knew nothing about it at the time and over many years he has disclosed more.
Had I not let him take the lead with his parents, he would have lost trust in me, our marriage and Ds have parents who were married and loved each other and him, was more important than a grandmother in his life.
OP If this is the straw that breaks the camels back then let your Dh take the lead. Maybe he should start with low contact, no initiating contact and see what happens first.

Gottagetmoving

But we are not talking about a violent, abusing drinker are we?

We don't know what the OP's DH is dealing with.

Sorry ive been out with the children all day, great to read all the different points of view, which kind of reflects the conflicting views in my head!
To flesh out the background, SIL chooses not to drive so needs ferrying around everywhere (to and from work, dentist, etc etc), money problems and (most recently) separating from her husband. She definitely needs help, particularly at the moment, life isn't great for her just now. However, things have been like this for years - PIL not coming to see us because of needing to give lifts, take grandson to football practice, and so on.
DH is always painted as the bad guy as he's not the greatest communicator (not surprising given his background). I'm not saying he's never to blame for their falling out -far from it!- but he always ends up being the one in the wrong.
The straw that broke the camel's back for DH was a disagreement about christmas (them not being willing to come to us -like, ever, not just one particular year- as they'd rather be in their own home than see our children, but of course they'll see SIL's children as they live closer)- it just seemed to him to signify everything wrong with the relationship
We did used to all be quite close before me and DH had children as we were always willing to do all the running, but now we have other priorities, we realised that we hardly saw them any more.
To be frank, we've talked and talked ourselves round in circles about this for about 6 months and, after their last (very brief and strained) visit, DH decided he was going to speak to them about not seeing each other any more. This does not sit very easily with me at all as I can imagine (as a mother myself) how heartbreaking this will be for MIL in particular. I find myself thinking about this all the time, I just can't believe it's come to this. My family are so close and talk about things that are bothering them, which makes it really hard to understand how they can't just talk about things and sort it out. I know all families are different, but it's just so sad for my children if there becomes a whole part of their family that they do not know.

We don't know what the OP's DH is dealing with
Well we do now.

It is often the case one sibling needs more help than another. Perhaps your DH could look.at it another way...be proud that he can stand on his own two feet and be glad he doesn't have to rely on help?
If one sibling lives closer to a parent of course they will see them more often.
The parents could make an effort at least one Christmas but I have known people who just don't want to travel at Christmas and prefer to be at home.

Unless there is something really terrible you have not mentioned OP, I can't see a good enough reason to cut his parents off completely from their grandchildren who love to see them.
I don't blame your dh at all if he doesn't want to make all the effort because his parents sound a bit lazy and selfish about making an effort for him.

Maybe your dh thinks they may be shocked if he suggests not seeing them anymore?
I don't think YABU. It's lovely you want to keep the family together.
Good luck.

Gottagetmoving

Well we do now.

with respect we only know what the OP have given us.

DH is always painted as the bad guy as he's not the greatest communicator (not surprising given his background).

There is still more in there.

so it's plainly obvious that your in-laws don't give a tinkers toss about your family...and the only contact you've had is because you did all the running and 'pleasing'.

and you still can't see the wood for the trees.

you were brought up in a 'functional' family, your dh was brought up in a 'dysfunctional' one. I think it would be incredibly damaging to your marriage if you didn't support him and be loyal to him.

nc doesn't mean 'forever'....not if the ones we go nc with change their attitude and behaviour.

sil choosing not to drive etc is her own responsibility. she doesn't need pils - she's just carrying on her overindulged and entitled behaviour into adult/parenthood.

What she said.

Nobody ever goes no contact with parents for no reason. Please trust your husband on this, take his lead and support him

TBH, Newmum, I think you don't need to even make a decision to go LC or NC. Just stop contacting them yourselves and leave them to do it. See how long it takes!

I can see that it would be difficult for you, who seem to have a functional and close family background, to understand that other people don't always have that - but again, your DH does need to lead on this. Certainly you can have an input, and if your ILs DO contact you with regards to seeing you or their DGC, then (DH agreeing) you should probably see them, rather than refuse to respond. But. As I said before, if there is blatant favouritism going on, your DGC are likely to notice and be hurt by it, not now, but in the future. So be wary of letting that into their lives - a bad grandparent is often worse than no grandparent. :(

Your DH not wanting to talk may be down to him trying to talk to them before (as a child, a teen, a young adult) and them refusing to listen, so he's stopped bothering. You've already said they don't want to talk about it either, so it's a non-starter. You can't change this. Even if you got them together to talk about it, you can't make them.

Support your DH - but suggest that, rather than making an overt decision to go NC, you just stop contacting them yourselves and see what happens.

This does not sit very easily with me at all as I can imagine (as a mother myself) how heartbreaking this will be for MIL in particular. Remember you are talking about how you would feel... your MIL was part of the decision not to come to you for any Christmas, to stay at home, see SILs DCs, rather than make an effort to see your DH and his DCs.

You are empathising with/for someone who has shown clearly she isn't all that bothered. Your own family are great, you won't be able to think/feel like your ILs, you don't have any experience of their kind of mindset. Alien as it is to you, many other here have experienced it and can explain how much of a brick wall you are banging your head against.

As others have said, try just not contacting them, not making arrangements. See what happens...