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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or is DSD trying it on re: car?

38 replies

MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 21:09

DSD (25) is doing a nursing course in New Zealand, where she lives (DH is Kiwi) and has just emailed saying she needs a car as the college have told her she needs to have transport to ensure she makes it to shifts. She lives in Wellington so not exactly the back of beyond. She claims she may have to drop the course if she doesn't have transport.

I'm a bit sceptical - although she's lovely she has been manipulative in asking for money in the past, also we bought her a used car a few years ago and she sold it! We also got her a scooter - no idea what's happened to that. DH feels guilty he wasn't there for much of her life (although that's not just his fault; her mum's abusive ex wouldn't let him see her for a long time) and I think he feels he has to make it up to her.

I know public transport is decent in Wellington although NZ is quite a car culture, at least outside the cities, but I can't believe the college are telling students they must have a car (and not offering any financial help towards it). My mum was a nurse albeit in the UK until retiring, and she never had a car.

Any NZ MNers know if this is a thing (having to have a car)? Personally I think the students have probably been told they need to make sure they can get to their placements on time, and she's seen an opportunity to ask for a car (decent second hand ones would appear to cost about NZD5000 up!!)

OP posts:
NapQueen · 01/08/2016 21:10

Can dh ask where the scooter is?

Lesley1980 · 01/08/2016 21:17

I don't know if it's a thing or not but my brother & his family live in Hamilton so again it's hardly in the middle of nowhere but they couldn't survive without a car. The kids couldn't even get public transport to school as the service was so bad. Whenever my nieces visited a friend it seemed to be a 30/40 minute car ride & these were "local" kids.

Lesley1980 · 01/08/2016 21:18

Also second hand cars out there are very expensive compared to here,

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 21:18

She said it was broken a while back...he's going to ask her how much it would cost to fix it. I'm guessing a lot less than five grand!

OP posts:
Mooey89 · 01/08/2016 21:20

No idea about NZ but I could not have done my social work degree without a car and majority of social work jobs are 'car driver essential' so I don't think it's out of the realms of possibility.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 21:21

Lesley she said they've been told they MUST have a car. No ride sharing, even. I just find it a bit weird that a college would require that of students, especially with the cost involved.

OP posts:
sparechange · 01/08/2016 21:22

Why did she sell the other car? If she couldn't afford to run it, what has changed now?

I can appreciate that placements will potentially start and finish at times when public transport won't be running but are there other options such as a bike or paying for lifts with a course mate?
Can she be sure she won't need help for the running costs?

minatiae · 01/08/2016 21:23

ask for proof, have her send you a copy of the instruction that requires her to have a car

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 21:28

She couldn't afford to run it, and nothing's really changed except she does have a bit more money from student finance, so potentially could now afford it.

We really want her to finish the course as she loves it - we're just a bit wary I guess as it's a lot of money.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 01/08/2016 21:28

She's 25 and married. If she needs a car then her and her husband need to analyse their finances and find the money.

RubbleBubble00 · 01/08/2016 21:36

is she married or is your dh kiwi?

She's a bit of cheek hitting her dad for 5k. Does she feels her dad owes her due to lack of contact while growing up?

LowAMH · 01/08/2016 21:40

She needs to grow up. She is an adult - why is she's asking you for this?

Lunde · 01/08/2016 21:49

My daughter is facing this problem doing a nursing degree in Sweden - they live in a small village (lower rent) which has an OK bus service for normal work but not shift patterns but unfortunately on placement she needs to be there for shift start at 6.30am but first bus/train does not arrive until 7.15. Same problem with late shifts and weekend working

SingaSong12 · 01/08/2016 21:49

What Taylor22 says - she's old enough to sort out a car if she must own one/have checked requirements before she started course.

myownprivateidaho · 01/08/2016 21:54

Surely this is between her dad and her? I'm not sure that telling her dad you think she's lying is going to do wonders for your/her, your/his, his/her relationship. You're not going to find out an answer to what the nursing school actually said. FWIW it doesn't seem unthinkable that a nurse would need a car. And without knowing the details of their upbringing, if her dad's feeling bad and wants to help her out now, I don't see what good will come of you trying to stop this (particularly by taking the line that it wasn't his fault he wasn't there for her when she was living with an abusive stepdad, which isn't going to win her sympathy).

Taylor22 · 01/08/2016 21:57

^^ it is absolutely the OPs business if another adult is trying to take away money that is hers.

UnderseaPineapple · 01/08/2016 22:00

Yay, another step mother who'd love nothing better than to have her DH have no contact with his kids at all.

JudyCoolibar · 01/08/2016 22:02

I suspect there's a good chance that public transport doesn't run at the times that it would be needed for shiftwork.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 01/08/2016 22:03

I've no idea about NZ but I imagine you would need a car as a nurse.

myownprivateidaho · 01/08/2016 22:04

Well, it really depends how their finances work, taylor. And also whether the DH paid his way for his DD's upbringing.

TheCraicDealer · 01/08/2016 22:05

That's a bit unfair Undersea. OP and her DH have bought her a car and a scooter in the past- hardly as if OP's running off and waiting on DSD's fairy godmother rocking up to do something to a pumpkin to get her to work.

OP why can't you agree to lend her the money and she can pay you back once she's working/out of her student finance? I'd feel a lot more generously towards her if this wouldn't be the third time you'd helped her with transport costs.

Original poster
MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 22:07

Wow Pineapple, would you like to tell me what else you think you know about me? As I said, my DSD is lovely. We've always got on well and I also get on well with her mum, now the latter has finally dumped her abusive ex.

She's been over to visit a few times, we've been to visit her, she's a sweetheart and in case you missed it I did say WE, ie her dad and me, really want her to do well on her course. Whatever issues you may have with your ex's new partner, they're not mine. Sorry if I'm assuming things but you don't seem to have a problem with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MinesaBottle · 01/08/2016 22:12

To clarify, DSD isn't married, when said DH I meant my DH Smile. He paid child support until DSD and her brother, my DSS, turned 19 and has continued to contribute to things like rental deposits, courses (we contribute a bit towards both their college courses) and any emergencies. Their mum has a mental illness and has recently left her ex who was financially and emotionally abusive, so she can't contribute much at the moment.

Lending her the money could be a good move - I really don't want her to feel she has to drop out. But - and her dad would admit this too - there have been a few times when she's been quite manipulative in asking for money when it would've been better if she'd just asked!

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 01/08/2016 22:20

When I was a student t nurse I didn't have a car but as I still lived at home my dad would pick me up. Some placements were very always on public transport so I can easily believe she needs one. However she could see if the university offers pool cars they can borrow as my local one does. She's having you on about not being allowed to share with other students though. Though its difficult if they are on opposite shifts.

Mummyme1987 · 01/08/2016 22:40

She's 25? Not 18, she's had two types of transport bought for her but either sold it or not maintained it? Loan or nothing I say. A helping hand not a hand out.