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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the need for a cleaning rota?

22 replies

Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 16:59

Posting this for a bit of perspective.

To avoid drip feeding: I have high functioning autism and dyspraxia.

Dh is my full time carer. We have an autistic three year old dd and ds who is 15 weeks and ebf.

I did not learn basic skills until I was around 19 years old. I was taught using a rota system that works really well for me as I just don't tend to 'see' what needs doing. I will happily do any jobs put on the rota.

Dh was feeling put upon and like he does the lions share of the housework as now he has to look after dd more (had a long recovery from cesarean section and ds is a very hungry baby and is usually on me feeding) and he always does all of the laundry. I usually cook though he does sometimes.

I suggested a rota many times and eventually drew one up which split all housework evenly and fairly. What one person was doing one day the other was doing the next etc.

We followed it to the letter for three days then Dh announced he didn't think it was working and would write a new one. The old rotas were thrown away.

He still hasn't written one.

He has been quite sarcastic and scornful today, he says he is doing everything again. I have been feeding a poorly teething ds today and have washed two overflowing sinkfulls of washing up in the last two days.

He only mentioned feeling like he was doing everything again because I said it was really his turn to wash up.

AIBU for thinking he knows my difficulties and that if he asks me to do something or we go by a rota I am quite happy to do my 'jobs' so really he should have just followed my rota or created one more to his liking instead of just moaning?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 17:02

Is it possible to passively aggressively clean? Because think he is.

There is a sulky silence and he's decided to now clean the kitchen dramatically.

Ds is on me feeding again. I feel fat and useless.

OP posts:
toadgirl · 30/07/2016 17:04

Is it possible to passively aggressively clean?

Absolutely, it is!

It's actually possible to passively-aggressively have sex. Or do anything really.

toadgirl · 30/07/2016 17:06

I suggested a rota many times and eventually drew one up which split all housework evenly and fairly. What one person was doing one day the other was doing the next etc. We followed it to the letter for three days then Dh announced he didn't think it was working and would write a new one. The old rotas were thrown away. He still hasn't written one

There needs to be an explanation for this. Demand one.

Original poster
Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 17:10

He said it wasn't working as I had put too many things on there.

I didn't think it was excessive at all, it was a copy of the rota I learned to clean with .

So cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, hoovering, mopping, laundry etc.

It didn't feel excessive to me and I liked knowing which jobs were mine and doing them.

It's like he want me to guess what it is he thinks I should be doing and then getting angry when I don't figure it out.

..he's mopping now.

OP posts:
toadgirl · 30/07/2016 17:17

But if you were managing your jobs fine with this rota, it couldn't have been too much for you? Confused

You need to tell him you don't understand what he means by "too many things".

So far, I can't see any justification for his behaviour, but I agree with you - he DOES sound very PA from what you've said here. Very undermining,

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 30/07/2016 17:19

He did not like the rota as he wants to either
A. Ignore what needs doing when
B. Play martyr and/or exaggerate his input
C. Be in control (and not tied to set days for doing stuff eg Washing Up)

He is acting like a child.

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 30/07/2016 17:25

This all sounds exhausting. It is very possible to passively aggressively clean.
If you know your jobs then why don't you continue just doing them as and when they need doing - there's no need for excessive daily cleaning imo.

Original poster
Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 17:28

KimmySchmidtsSmile Could the answer be all three?

I hoped having a rota would stop anyone feeling that they did more than the other. It would be there in black and white what we were doing and it would be fair.

I just don't understand why he wanted to scrap the one we were doing or even why he won't write one more to his tastes. I've only asked that if he writes one he makes it fair!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 17:32

RedHareWithBlondeHair I'm afraid I can get distracted and do forget what it is I'm supposed to do on a daily basis very easily.

But if it's written down on a list/ visual timetable that I can check or even if someone asks me to do it it's no problem.

That's just what works for me. Dh knows this so I'm quite bewildered as to what he wants me to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fatmomma86 · 30/07/2016 17:34

toadgirl Yes definitely pa, he just sat next to me for a bit huffing then stormed out to the garden.

OP posts:
MrsHulk · 30/07/2016 17:41

I'm dyspraxia can too, so know exactly what you mean about needing a rota/list. If it's not on my list I'm very unlikely to notice it, or remember to do it!

I think bear in mind that having a three year old plus newborn is very tiring and stressful for most people. It's especially tough when there are any special needs etc in the family.

Your dh is being a bit of a twat about this cleaning stuff, but these kind of rows/issues are very common when dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation, etc.

Maybe just sit down with him and remind him you have to have a rota, due to your needs, and ask if he wants you to try again drawing up another one. He could then go through it with you and tell you any items he thinks are unnecessary and you can both discuss it and decide what to do.

Although also do remind him that it's inevitable he'll be doing more of the housework for a while as you're breastfeeding a tiny baby!

lollipop28 · 30/07/2016 18:58

My son has ASD, dyspraxia and ADD and the need for a visual schedule is a must have in our house.

You must be exhausted with having 2 small children too.
Your husband is being a twat.

jmh740 · 30/07/2016 19:03

Could you just write a rota for what you need to do and leave him to get on with his passive aggressive housework.

MoMandaS · 30/07/2016 19:15

YANBU. Could it be possible that your rota included too many jobs? E.g. mopping kitchen every day, hoovering every room every day or whatever, and he thought it was unnecessary work? Perhaps he doesn't want to admit that he can't be bothered doing as much as was on your rota, so doesn't want to write his own in case it looks 'lazier' than yours, if you see what I mean?

Magstermay · 30/07/2016 20:55

I was going to say the same - perhaps while you need a rota, your DH finds it quite dictatorial and it perhaps includes things he wouldn't normally do that regularly? How about suggesting a 'rota' with a list of tasks for you, but his jobs are kept a bit looser?

Stevefromstevenage · 30/07/2016 21:01

My guess is there is just not enough time to get everything done at the moment Momma as you are in the exhausting first stage after having a baby and he needs some wind down time. I am exactly the same as you I need lists and visual cues to operate well but this has the advantage that I can let things slide and ignore a mess for a day or two if needs be to get through. Suggest a low key day off of fun and negotiate your list after that.

Stevefromstevenage · 30/07/2016 21:03

By the way the other thing about a list, while I absolutely adore them, is that I find they sometimes do not include everything so a nappy change here, or making a snack there or clearing up after said snack etc and that means sometimes someone else ends up with more work iyswim.

mumeeee · 30/07/2016 21:05

If you mean you put all that you wrote above on your rota to do everyday that would be to much for me. You don't need to do all those things everyday.
I'm also Dyspraxic and find I get distracted and don't get things done properly if I have more than 3 jobs to do

WordGetsAround · 30/07/2016 21:05

I think if it's a rota for both of you it needs to be written collaboratively and for you both to agree it. Otherwise it might read like you giving him a list of jobs.

mumeeee · 30/07/2016 21:07

I know. I was just thinking typing a letter is the same as writing one. Typing is not really any different to what you are doing now. I mean messaging me.

mumeeee · 30/07/2016 21:09

Sorry that is in completely the wrong place 😃😀

EsmeraldaEllaBella · 30/07/2016 22:04

I agree with pp, can you have a list of things for you to do?

Eg check if washing up needs doing
Check if living room needs to be tidied

Housework is so tricky with a baby, I bet neither you really has the energy or inclination to do it.

Can you afford a cleaner?

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