To think DP doesn't need to explain our plans to his XP

[OneLongDay]

Okay please read the thread before anyone flames me

Me and DP live together, he has DC with his XP, and he has lots of contact with DC.

This week we've needed quite a bit of work done at home we've been waiting a while for it and there was 2 dates to choose from. The first date a few weeks back it would of been on DPs contact days/weekend so we decided to wait a few weeks until the work was able to be done not on his contact days/weekend.

DP booked some time off so we were both home while it was being done and my DC went to stay at my DM so we planned it to not have any kids around

DPs ex phoned and asked him to have DC on her nights, he said sorry I can't she wants to know why he says we're having work done, but she says so have them anyway he says I can't but I'll have them extra this weekend when the works done and she loses her shit. Wants to know what works being done in detail and how long it's going to take and keeps phoning to see if it's done and can't we hurry them up to have DC

There was no emergency why she desperately needed us to have them, she told DP the reason so I know it was a desperate situation

So AIBU to think we purposely planned this work to be done when we had no kids around and my DP shouldn't explain in great fucking detail what we're having done how many people are doing it and updates when she phones to ask what they done and what they have left to do and he should be able to say sorry we're having work done I can't have them and that be the end of it

Slightly more important situation then. You are making this far more of an issue than it is, you aren't the ex, are you?

"I just have vision of two years time when the house is lovely and OP is up the duff posting about how the ex won't change contact whilst she's got a newborn etc. It always seems to come around with interest"

That's a fairly big assumption - and I suspect you're extrapolating from your own experiences.

No-one is saying the OP/partner shouldn't be flexible. But in THIS instance when they have DELIBERATELY arranged for work to be done when they're child free, you can't see how that's a hassle?

It's all give and take and flexibility though and no to the ex her husband having a newborn won't be a more important situation than whatever is going on in her life right now. It's all just so unnecessary. And yes huge assumptions but have seen it so many times before

Kids are a Hassel end of

And yet a lot of people manage to not see their children as a hassle.

I most certainly don't.

Nor do I work on a "tit for tat" system - we do each case on its merits and if we can't swap we can't swap. That doesn't make us unreasonable. It makes us adults.

Do we know what the merits of either case is ?
I think the question anyway is should the DP have to justify his position to which I would say yes if he ever wants the favour returned.

YANBU, none of her business what you're having done. She asked to swap, you couldn't accommodate it. End of story.

I hate it when on these threads posters pipe up with the 'oh can't you just be amicable/ won't you think of the children' etc. I'm basically no contact with my Ex and my bf is in a similar position with his XW. You could say maybe we're both arseholes and it's all our fault, but that really isn't the case. My Ex was abusive in various ways and although I initially tried to be friendly after we split, he behaved badly and backstabbed me, and started a fight with a stranger in front of me. So I cut all contact and have been much happier since. My bf also has v good (but v different) reasons for not speaking to his ex. I think no/ limited contact between parents is actually better for most kids than acrimonious contact, or where it takes every ounce of effort to be civil between clenched teeth. Not everyone can be amicable with their Ex's, and it really isn't as simple as people needing to grow up etc .

I appreciate that Vevet. But we had to have quite major work done to the house when dc were small and we had no ex-partners/close family to ship the dc off to. We just got on with it. It was inconvenient for a few days but not the end of the world.

Velvet I totally understand your point too, I'd hardly go for a pint or a cuppa with mine after his carry on. But I would do everything in my power to have the kids at home if need be

If your DPs contact days are official and set out by the courts in a contact order , then no matter what kind of tantrum his XP throws about it won't effect his regular contact days so don't entertain her. My DPs ex used to lord it over him something fierce til he took her to court, now he will only entertain her with black and white texts in relation to the kids (for good reason. This woman is psychotic and unpredictable) if she asks about dates outside the contact arrangements she gets a YES or NO answer and if she doesn't like it and throws a fit, she's told to piss off and gets ignored. Eventually my DPs XP got the message. Keep it civil. Keep it to the point. And most importantly keep it about the kids. Anything outside of that, such as your reasons WHY you can't have them for her weekend are frankly none of her goddam business. Good luck OP , it can be a minefield dealing with an XP but take my advice and never rise to the bait.

It depends on the work being done. I've lived through v extensive building works myself, had no kitchen for 6 months, lived without an upstairs loo for a couple of years etc. But my DC were young then, we lived through it but it wasn't easy. And I think it's different when the DC don't live there all the time. The OP hasn't said what's being done but it may be that there's no bathroom for a day, or bedrooms are out of action for a few days, and that could be v difficult to accommodate with some DC. Mine are pretty unfussy and don't care, but I know others wouldn't be at all happy.

It also depends if OP and her partner are pitching in with any of the work. When my Ex and I were together we were always limited in how much work we could do at eves/ weekends because one of us always needed to be on hand for DC. So if the work needs them both to pitch in for it to get finished on schedule, another good reason not to have DC there.

I think it depends on how contact usually works, if it's usually flexible, and he wanted to block out childfree time for the work, he should have told the ex "no kids from x date till y date" in advance so she knew that the flexi arrangements wouldn't happen over that time.

particularly if contact has an element of being child-led

Okay just to clear up some points, my DP has his DC very often and they have a set or arrangement which his XP often asks to change and if we can we do, if DP is at work and she asks him to have them on her days I'll often have them so believe me it's not tit for tat and we change plans often

What bothers me is that he explained we were having work done she moaned and asks to rush it which we couldn't do then she phones every half and hour asking what's left to do, how many workmen are still there, how many hours left and things like that. Which is none of her business. To keep phoning for updates every half hour is nothing to do with her and I think DP should of said work still being done no need to keep ringing end of story

Mine are pretty unfussy and don't care, but I know others wouldn't be at all happy.
Mine weren't exactly thrilled at the disruption, but as I said, without the option of an ex partner or close family to send them to, they had to get on with it, there was no choice.
And as for living without an upstairs loo for a while, this did make me chuckle.
You do realise that many of us live permanently in a house with shock horror only one toilet.

YANBU. He's well within his rights to make plans to do things on days when he's not supposed to have the children. Just as she is.

Not an emergency.
Her day/s.
Her problem.

Also, the OP has asked her mum to babysit her children for a reason. To then have her DP's children come would just defeat the object.

Say yes they can stay but may be returned with missing limbs due to house full of builders and power tools. No claim /blame /shame / payments to be given under any circumstances. . Sounds like she either has child free plans or wants to know if u are flush can she claim more csa?

OP from what you're saying you know full well she has no right to stick her oar in on this matter. Especially if you and DP often accommodate her requests to chop and change contact arrangements. Maybe she's been given an inch too often and now expects a mile? If I were you I'd be advising DP to establish some boundaries. As I've said in my previous reply my DPs contact arrangements are set out by the courts, she threw tantrums for the silliest things such as my husbands phone being off one random day when she wanted to text him. This was due to a flat battery and no charger, (it happens) and that resulted in her withholding his daughters from him for two solid weeks . We had the girls that day so he knew there would be no emergency he needed to be contacted about so he didn't rush to get his phone on. There were 13 texts waiting when he got it on. All from her. She gets migraine and had ate all her prescription like smarties. Was texting my husband demanding him to go to the doctor, lie and tell the doctor he needed the medicine, get it and bring it to her Even got on the phone screaming that it was his duty to help her with such things lol (and her partner at the time there in the background while she's ranting on this call) and that's just the tip of the iceberg she got progressively more bizarre and demanding especially after our son was born. So in order to stop her blackmailing my husband with contact arrangements he took her to court and won. He's never looked back and now when she tries to cross boundaries she gets swiftly put in her place. The contact days are set and if she needs to change we try to accommodate. If it's not possible she gets told NO and that's the end of the discussion. No more tantrums. This XP your dealing with is probably nowhere near as bat shit crazy as my husbands XP but still, even on a lesser scale, establish boundaries or you're risking resentment setting in if you feel this woman has some sort of window into your life .