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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to consider not going as I am so anxious?!

43 replies

witsender · 30/07/2016 07:02

I'll try to make this quick.

It is DH's birthday today, I bought him a weekend away next weekend at a naice hotel not far away. We have two kids, nigh on 6 and 4, it is very rare we don't do things as a family so this would be a treat.

My parents who live nearby are having the kids, and this is the source of my anxiety. (I do suffer from depression and anxiety so am not always the most rational )

My parents have a big outdoor swimming pool, with no railings. They are very cautious with it, no running next to it, swim vests on when playing outside, no-one allowed in without an adult etc. The kids know these rules and are good with them.

But I'm getting anxious. I'm worrying that the kids will let themselves out and fall in the pool, slip under the cover and not be seen. I'm worried that my disabled mother couldn't get in the pool quick enough if something happened. I'm worried that my dad might get distracted by a project in the garden and let his guard down.

All of these things can be mitigated against...cover off, French doors locked when adults not ready to go outside etc...apart from the human factor. The distraction or whatever.

My sister may well go to stay with them too in which case she would help and I would feel far easier, but I am beginning to wonder if I should ever have booked it! I keep catastrophising...but I can't tell if that is 'me' or a genuine concern I should be this freaked out by. Would others let their kids go to stay in similar circumstances?

OP posts:

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 30/07/2016 08:36

As Exit asks...
Can they swim?... and is the pool equiped with easy to use steps...
No one hurts themselves falling into a proper swimming they just get wet. It's getting the out that becomes an issue.

More important... what was on your mind to book a weekend when it involved your parents looking after the children if you are then going to stop yourself by worrying about your parents looking after the children.

If you call off, you will turn yourself into a prisoner always looking for an excuse to not do something because it might go wrong.

LifeInJeneral · 30/07/2016 08:38

Hi OP as a fellow sufferer of anxiety and depression I completely understand what you are going through. I have been doing some CBT with a counsellor recently and it's really helped me so could be worth you giving it a try? One of the techniques she taught me which I found helpful was to put all of my "what if" scenarios down on paper as a sentence and write down the reasons for and against it happening. So "what if the children fall in the pool and nobody is around" then all the reasons it could happen and all the reasons it won't/ways you can prevent it. Then come to a 'logical' decision based on nothing but these (I. E. Don't put any of your worry/anxiety/feelings into the decision just look at the facts). If you are still worried then it is a genuine worry and if not it is likely just your anxiety creeping in.
This may not help you but I find it helps me take a step back.

ChickenLimbo · 30/07/2016 08:42

Annually in Florida, enough children to fill three to four preschool classrooms drown and do not live to see their fifth birthday.

I'm from Florida and drowning is the leading cause of death for children under 5 so my children were taught to swim basically since the could walk and to back float if they couldn't get out of a pool. There is a reason for that and it is that pools and kids don't mix well. People who 'trust' their four year old children are not just naive they are negligent.

Unlike me (because I grew up in Florida) your children will not have had it drilled in to them from nursery up by every adult they come in contact with to never go in a pool. They won't understand it takes seconds to fall in and your parents are not in the habit of full time supervision around the pool with a 4 year old. It is a huge unnecessary risk.

Let them stay at your house or stay home.

Original poster

witsender · 30/07/2016 08:51

The 5 yr old can swim...doggy paddle but fairly strong. The 4 yr old isn't very water confident so tends to avoid it unless with an adult, so he wouldn't be tempted to go in it would be a trip and fall I would be more conscious of. The pool has steps etc.

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 30/07/2016 08:53

I lived a broad when DS was born. It was commonplace to have part meant blocks with a communal pool in the plaza in the middle. Commonplace to have villa style homes with pool in the garden.
People adapted their lifestyles and parenting styles to the environment. It was 'normal' iyswim?

I suspect your anxiety I'd causing you to catastrophise (my DS has anxiety so I know how debilitating it can be) but because for you this isn't a normal environment to raise your children. However your parents are use to the environment and pool and so are likely to naturally have the awareness.

I know it won't be easy to go away and relax if your anxious but perhaps you can agree a system with your parents? Eg a text at given timescales just to let you know kids are ok?

Original poster

witsender · 30/07/2016 08:54

This is the pool. In winter it has a pretty sturdy cover over, in summer just this pull/roll over one. It is that that concerns me, if one tripped and fell in at the side they could slip under and not be able to get to the surface, and not be seen.

Maybe I suggest they open the cover, and keep the French doors locked unless they are going out with them?

Aibu to consider not going as I am so anxious?!

OP posts:

Donthate · 30/07/2016 08:58

It's no different than staying in a hotel with an unmanned pool. It's sounds like the grandparents are vigilant. Enjoy your time away.

MarchelineWhatNot · 30/07/2016 09:01

my mum is a worrier

I think this would give me the reassurance I need. I would set some very strict ground rules though. And impress upon the DC how important it is NOT to go near the pool on their own.

And please ignore posters who suggest you seek help for your A&D within the context of this situation. You have every right to be anxious.

CastleFeck · 30/07/2016 09:02

Can't your parents come and stay at your house with the children?

I don't think its a problem tbh, but you'll never have a good time if you're worrying about this.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/07/2016 09:02

I would suggest that, yes. And I'd talk to all of them - the children and the grandparents - so the kids know to behave and the grandparents know that you're worried.

I would go, though. Worst case your parents could put the winter cover on? Or look after them at your house.

Everyone loses out if you cancel. When you booked, you felt this risk could be mitigated and if you're an anxious person, it's very unlikely you didn't think about this.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/07/2016 09:08

I would also worry about this, so I don't think you're being over dramatic.

As others have said could you have your parents stay at your house? Or buy a pool or door alarm?

Failing that, can you change the weekend to one where your sister would definitely be able to help?

RandomMess · 30/07/2016 09:27

Pool alarm sounds like a must - why haven't your parents bought one yet?

Talk to your parents ask if they would be happy to leave the cover open and doors locked and that they use a pool alarm.

Original poster

witsender · 30/07/2016 09:42

I've just been looking at pool alarms, they look great. I didn't know they existed! I might order one. I've also seen the wristband ones which look fab, not sure I can find a few hundred pounds this week though.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 30/07/2016 09:46

Agree with everything Marcheline has said.

RandomMess · 30/07/2016 10:14

Perhaps ask your parents to buy the pool alarm and you pack them back over a few months?

Original poster

witsender · 30/07/2016 10:52

Yes, that's an idea. I've ordered a surface sensor from Amazon so that should arrive before next weekend, then will look at the wrist ones for general use.

OP posts:

gruffalo13 · 30/07/2016 11:11

I would worry about this too. I like the idea of having the cover off so anyone can see into the pool.

I totally understand the fear of leaving kids with grandparents as I do it too, my parents are no Spring chickens but they are extra careful with the kids. Actually I think it exhausts them! It's more likely that they will watch them like hawks as they know how you feel.
Mine take the kids to school in the car, cross busy roads, it freaks me out hugely but I try hard not to think about it (I have anxiety too)
Glad you have ordered the sensor 👍

retainertrainer · 30/07/2016 11:19

Id be worried too. It's too much of a risk for me,children drown in outdoor water sources so frequently. My parents have an ornamental pond and as soon as DS was born they put a grill over it. It's just not worth the risk. Children are too precious. It's different when they're older,they'll be stronger swimmers and more responsible.

I'd suggest parents have them at your house.

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