Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be really annoyed with him?

52 replies

mum2benicole · 29/07/2016 22:02

Ok so my partners had a meal with old friends planned for just over a week. Tonight night table booked for 8pm, ironed his clothes while he was in the shower I even played for his hair cut and gave him £40. We have two kids one is almost 3 the other 14 months and they aren't easy to get to bed.
He said he would help me get them to bed and settled before he went out which is normal done by 7.30 but it came to 6pm and he said I'm of bye and took off. I just managed to get both kids down and sorted myself but I'm so annoyed he just upped and left me! He also said he wouldn't be back late before 9.30 yet still no sign and not a single text.
He would have called me 20 times if that was me out so I'm in a right mood.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 09:42

@theunsullied I don't see any difference here regarding the gender. If it's an agreed family strategy for one parent to work while the other SAH that's fine, but the SAH parent should have their own share of the family income and not need to be given money and they should be doing a bigger share of the household/childcare tasks to facilitate the other to work but I'm not getting that impression here.
There are a lot of issues.
One part time job to support 2 adults and 2 children is not adequate unless it's a very unusual very highly paid part time job. At the VERY least there needs to be someone with a full time job or two people working part time before you expect other taxpayers to top up your income.
The SAHP not actually being able to cope on his own to give the kids a bath when the (part time) working one is out makes a lie of the title SAHP. Also, while I know every family does things differently, isn't grocery shopping something the SAHP usually does while the working one is at work? On it's own it's no big deal if you choose to do the grocery shopping, but if you are working and also doing all the tasks needed to keep the household running while he does very little, then there is a big issue.
The SAHP keeps tabs on his partner when she's out but doesn't communicate when he's out. Every couple have their own level of comfort with solo time, but a big sign of things being wrong are when they both don't apply similar standards as seems to be the case here.
He is also on drugs - codeine addiction is a real thing and it quickly becomes a habit that costs money to feed. I'd love to know why he's so stressed as he doesn't seem to do much? Classic addict, blaming the world and not taking responsibility.
If all these things were not so worrying then I would say YABU - either parent should be well able to care for their children and put them to bed and either parent should be free to enjoy a night out.
However, in light of all these things YANBU to be upset, but I think you are focusing on the wrong things. I am a bit concerned at the qualities of the person you chose to have children with and the almost incidental way you mention his codeine habit and I fear you have a long difficult road ahead.

Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 09:45

@UnexpectedBaggage Because having chosen him to bring children into the world with they are now tied to each other in some form for the next 18 years.

123therearenomoreusernames · 30/07/2016 09:58

codeinefree.org.uk for help getting off Codeine.

TheUnsullied · 30/07/2016 10:02

Emma you have read a huge amount into a couple of very small snippets the OP has shared and your analysis goes well beyond the remit of what we actually know. You're assuming that as the OP says she would get a phone call if she was out shopping, she does all of the shopping. It's a big assumption but even if it is true, the OP can't expect to not participate in family life at all because she works part time. One thing MN is good at is analysing the very smallest hints that a relationship has a dynamic they wouldn't personally enjoy and turning it into an abusive relationship. There's no hint of that here, nor is the OP asking for opinions on whether or not her relationship sounds abusive.

Patapouf · 30/07/2016 10:04

Do you suffer from chronic pain. Is that why you only work part time? Is that how he's getting the codeine?

As for deserving a night out because you get no help, do you mean family don't help you with childcare? Why should they? I'm failing to see why you are struggling to manage childcare if there are two of you and you are only working a few hours a week.

Your age has nothing to do with it, you chose to have children. You aren't more deserving of sympathy because you are young Hmm

Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 10:22

@TheUnsullied
Nowhere have I suggested that the relationship is abusive OR made assumptions about division of labour which is why I said "On it's own it's no big deal if you choose to do the grocery shopping, but if (note the IF?) you are working and also doing all the tasks needed to keep the household running while he does very little, then there is a big issue."
The OP is asking for opinions on whether she is unreasonable to be annoyed with him, and I gave her mine.
I think the codeine abuse is serious and indicative of real underlying problems, as is the OP's needing to gift money to her partner, the apparent inability (on both parts) to be comfortable caring for their children alone at bath or bedtime. I also think that if they are two healthy adults they need to look at why there isn't more employment between them (divvied up whatever way they see fit). It sounds to me as if they have both developed a bit of learned incapability because they have got into the habit of both being there most of the time. It doesn't sound very healthy to me and neither party sounds too happy with the status quo.

TheUnsullied · 30/07/2016 10:35

If you're not agreeing that it's abusive then I'm not sure why you were responding to me in particular? My first comment was specifically about people saying he's abusive.

Original poster
mum2benicole · 30/07/2016 12:43

Everyone is assuming I'm a control freak here with this curfew rubbish I didn't say he had to be home at 9.30 that's wot time he told me he would be back
It takes us both to bath the kids as we don't have a bath it's a wet room so this means 2 baby baths hence 1 parent for each child

OP posts:
Patapouf · 30/07/2016 16:32

Why does it matter that he was late home? It was unrealistic to expect him to be done by 9:30.

Why not bathe one at a time and invest in a playpen? Is this why neither of you work full time, so there's a 1:1 ratio at home?

Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 19:45

@Unsullied If you're not agreeing that it's abusive then I'm not sure why you were responding to me in particular? My first comment was specifically about people saying he's abusive.
Which post?
I responded to you initially because you made a general accusation that responses would be different if the genders were reversed. I don't agree.
I responded to you the second time because you accused me of making assumptions and I felt I was careful not to do that - rather, I asked questions about a pattern that might possibly be the case so OP could consider if it was relevant.

Emmaroos · 30/07/2016 20:03

OP - it really isn't normal for one parent not to be able to cope generally with their two children under normal circumstances. The fact that it's a wet room is neither here nor there. It does sound as if you have both become a bit used to the convenience of 2 almost full time parents for 2 children!
I know your question was more about his lack of responsibility and communication on one particular evening but a lot of the people responding have picked up on the context you provided to the particular incident. It's hard to deal with the incident itself without looking at the context in which it occurred.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 30/07/2016 20:29

I know this isn't the point of the thread but I have a 2.8 year old and a 12 month old and DH works away 3-4 nights a week so I do bath/bedtime on my own most nights. If I'm not around, DH does it on his own. It really doesn't need 2 people to put a baby and a toddler to bed (and mine are pain in the arse non sleepers!).

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 30/07/2016 20:31

Even with 2 baby baths... Can't you bath one, dry and dress while the other plays with some toys in the wet room, then do the other? I sit my 2.8 year old on her bed with some books while I dry, dress and put my 12 month old down to bed.

hownottofuckup · 30/07/2016 20:34

I have 4 under 8 including a toddler and a baby who I put to bed every night on my own.
However, I am obviously aware that that is what I need to do it isn't just dumped on me at 630 every evening and obviously I and them are well used to the routine, so it really isn't comparable.

Crunchymum · 30/07/2016 20:35

Bless you unsullied , I dread to think what you deem as acceptable if there aren't about 20 red flags in the snippets posted by the OP.

TheUnsullied · 30/07/2016 22:37

No need to patronise Crunchy. I've been in a horribly abusive relationship myself so forgive me if red flags to me are a damned site more concerning than it taking 2 of them to get the kids to bed and the DP calling OP when she goes out. Relationships don't always look the way mumsnet would like them to, but that doesn't automatically make them abusive. It's often the case that the people in the relationship aren't perfect and have their foibles.

Emmaroos · 31/07/2016 00:32

@crunchymum: Er Dad abusing codeine? Not working? 1 part time income for 4 people? A situation where OP 'paid' for her partner's haircut and gave him spending money? A situation where the rules are different for both parties? OP being very negative about the character of her partner's friends? A lot of excuses as to why it's difficult to care for 2 children? I'm not making any judgements about abuse or either adult being wronged - it's the kids I feel sorry for TBH.

Original poster
mum2benicole · 31/07/2016 15:36

Hold up emmaroos "the kids I feel sorry for " what's that mentioned to mean my kids get everything they need they have 2 parents that love them they are perfectly fine so I don't get why people are being so negative and to be honest the crap about pocket money part time income for 4 people I get minimum pay and I get help with other things like a lot of other people do that doesn't make me a bad parent I try my best like everyone else i posted to see what others thought not to be put down
I have 2 amazing babies and this is the 1st time my partners done the whole ditching me and taking the Mick getting home the coding thing I only found out about and I have removed them from the house so I don't need to be judged I was looking for advice
People should remember that no one's perfect that includes the people who's blabbering about she gives pocket money and curfews it's rubbish that's never been the case at all

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 31/07/2016 16:30

If you have a genuine reason why between you you are unable to work more then yes, you have a point that you get by and that money isn't everything, but you haven't suggested any.
I'm not going to apologise for feeling sorry for any child whose parent is not working to support them and build a better life by choice and for any child whose parent (sometimes in sole charge of them) is abusing drugs.
I also think it's not great that either of you feels that caring for both of your children for a couple of hours on your own is such an onerous task.
You asked for an opinion regarding whether you were being unreasonable and people responded with their opinions.
I don't know you so I'm not making judgements about you personally, but that's how I feel about those particular scenarios.

Patapouf · 31/07/2016 19:09

I feel pretty sorry for the kids too TBH

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2016 19:36

I get minimum pay and I get help with other things like a lot of other people do that doesn't make me a bad parent

No it doesn't. We were questioning why you were the only one working.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 31/07/2016 19:54

No ones saying it makes you a bad parent. Just wondering why, in a household where you seemingly have two parents capable of working full time, you only have one part time worker. It's pretty unusual I'd say.

Onthecouchagain · 31/07/2016 20:11

LTB

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/07/2016 20:15

Was he looking after the DC all day while you were at work?

Why would he call you 20 times if you went out?

Giving him money for a haircut and going out is a bit odd? How do you normally split the money, what with him doing the childcare and househusband thing while you work? How does he pay for the shopping, children's clothes, children's haircuts etc?

Patapouf · 31/07/2016 22:38

What run said ^^

OP doesn't seem very interested in addressing anyone's questions...