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AIBU?

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Original poster

Re: the etiquette of borrowing money?

43 replies

Oldisthenewblack · 29/07/2016 21:21

It's not me that's doing the borrowing, by the way. I'm the lender (loaner?). Loaned someone a few hundred pounds a couple of months ago. Totally trusted this person, or wouldn't have parted company with my cash. We then parted company, though I still trusted him to repay. He has my bank account details and has twice said that he should be in position to repay "soon". But without giving a ballpark time frame.

I understand he has commitments (children, mortgage, etc) and I'm not in dire need of the cash. However, is it unreasonable of me to expect him to contact me every so often if he hasn't yet been able to repay me? Our last contact was one month ago and that's when he reiterated that he should be able to repay "soon". I told him that if he wanted to pay in instalments, that was fine. I figured it may make it easier for him, and would at least show me that he was committed to reimbursing me.

If he had been updating me, of his own volition, of how things were going, I wouldn't mind. I really wouldn't. It's the fact that there's an ocean of silence on the issue and I find it pretty rude. I consider how I would feel if I had borrowed money and I would be at pains to let the other person know I hadn't forgotten and still intended to repay!

Anyway, I just wanted to get others perspectives on this.

Thank you Grin

OP posts:
Stillwishihadabs · 30/07/2016 06:53

I once lent dsis a few hundred pounds, I love my sister, but my God never again.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 30/07/2016 13:08

Mmmm....lots of food for thought here. I will probably give him another month then. I simply want to see if he does contact me of his own volition with either information that he's able to repay, or a definite time frame for when he WILL repay. I did tell him that there was no rush to repay, but that of course was before our split. I would have thought that with things as they are, he'd want to have some closure on this, as do I.

OP posts:
Zxzx · 30/07/2016 13:28

I did tell him that there was no rush to repay

Well that's probably why he isn't rushing to repay then.

Give him a quick call or text and tell him that you would like it paid back sooner rather than later. You don't need to be rude just straightforward. Waiting for him to contact you seems a bit daft to me.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2016 13:53

He never expected to repay you, he was your boyfriend.
Why do you think he's any more likely to repay you now he's an ex?
Waiting another month has no benefit at all, you'll just postpone the realisation that you've been had, that's all.
Call him now and tell him that you need it at £x a month, if he can't do it all at once.
Then watch the excuses roll in and come to terms with your mistake.
Waiting around to see if he contacts you? That's just stupid!

Botanicbaby · 30/07/2016 13:57

Sorry OP but you've been too trusting and too nice about it. Sometimes I find when you split with people it changes the dynamics and they turn out to not be who you thought they were.

I wouldn't wait any longer, I think you need to address it head on now firmly and directly with him. Tell him you need the money back ASAP and see if you can amicably agree a repayment plan with immediate effect. Otherwise you won't see the money again the longer you give him.

Or be prepared to write it off or do as PP says & go down small claims court avenue. Lesson learned I hope! Good luck Flowers

SwissWank · 30/07/2016 14:00

I'd ask for a certain amount every month. He can always pay it all if he finds it early.

myownprivateidaho · 30/07/2016 14:04

I get where you're coming from OP but I think it's a bit premature to complain when you haven't actually said you when you want the money by. If you're going to lend people money, you can't be shy about asking when you'll get it back, agreeing terms for repayment etc. And fwiw, if he has multiple debts, he's not being unreasonable by not prioritising the creditor who is not making demands and not charging interest. He'd be mad to act otherwise.

myownprivateidaho · 30/07/2016 14:04

And it is definitely premature to take him to court if you have not actually made a demand for payment.

myownprivateidaho · 30/07/2016 14:07

Sorry, just saw the comment about you telling him there's no rush to repay. Clearly YABU to expect him to be in a rush to repay having told him this!

Farmmummy · 30/07/2016 14:14

No phone calls texts or emails then you have some evidence that he acknowledges he is intending to pay it back then he cannot claim he thought was a gift. Lay out in either format what has already been communicated "hi xxxx re our earlier two conversations where you said you would be in a position to repay my loan to you soon I was wondering could you give me an approximate date please ad I have already been more than reasonabl? As I already stated I will accept reasonable instalments however these would need to start on otherwise I will expect full and final settlement in 60 days. Oldisthenewblack"

Farmmummy · 30/07/2016 14:22

*as I have already been more than reasonable.
Excuse mistakes dd2 bouncing on me!

fourquenelles · 30/07/2016 14:48

Still waiting for the £3000 my late DH and I lent our best man in 2005. My DH died 6 years ago now. I will still "lend" money to friends if they are in dire straights but I do so not expecting to be repaid these days.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 30/07/2016 15:52

myownprivateidaho - Yes, I told him when we were still together that there was no rush to repay. However, when we split I (naively) thought he would be a bit more keen to get it paid back. It could well be that he is simply unable to at the moment, which I would be sympathetic about, but it's the communication or lack off that concerns me. And who mentioned taking him to court??? If it comes to it, I will write off and as I've said, it's a lesson learned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 30/07/2016 15:54

I don't expect him to "be in a rush" to pay back - I just feel that he should be giving me a time frame. Or paying me back small amounts if he is unable to repay the whole amount.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 30/07/2016 15:58

Farmmummy - yes, I have several texts acknowledging the loan. And asking for my bank account details to enable him to pay me back. And that he is "indebted to me". I think I just want to know that he is the trustworthy guy I sensed he was. I will probably send a text such as the one you give as an example in due course.

OP posts:
Zxzx · 30/07/2016 17:35

OP,
I just feel that he should be giving me a time frame

So tell him this, he can't read your mind. I don't understand why you are hesitating. Just speak to him about it.

Dear Ex, hope all is ok with you. I've just be going through my finances and it would be useful if you could tell me when you are going to be able to pay me back the £££ that you owe me. If you are not in a position to pay back the full amount can you start paying it back in smaller amounts? I'd like to get it cleared. Can you let me know ASAP. Thanks

Zxzx · 30/07/2016 17:37

Sorry, I missed FarMummys text. It looks good. Smile

MatildaTheCat · 30/07/2016 17:46

OP, we lent my db and his wife a significant sum of money to do up their new house which was in an awful state and they had 2dc and a baby on the way. After sorting a new kitchen and a few other bits they gave up interest and took a couple of expensive holidays.

Although the loan is in writing I never dreamt they would be so foolish as to spend the money on anything else. It's been a truly sickening experience.

I guess I'm saying even the nicest people can surprise you, especially when money is concerned. Ask for it back straight away, he's taken you for a mug. Why leave it any longer?

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