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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to pay from friends child's lunch?

58 replies

Jojo96 · 29/07/2016 18:28

My ds (6) and I were due to visit a local farm/play centre today with his friend from school and the friends mum.

She called this morning to apologise and said she was unwell so they wouldn't be able to make make it, she sounded really poorly so I offered to take her son and with us so she could rest.....she accepted.

When I picked him up she gave me £10 and told me it was from her son's money box to pay for his entry and lunch as she doesn't pay for "his fun stuff/days"

Once at the place i took the £10 from his little wallet and put £6 back in which meant he had paid his entry fee.....the boys had a great time and I ordered us all lunch....I felt really guilty making a 5 year old pay for his own lunch so I didn't take any more money from his wallet for it.

Played for another few hours then dropped him home and told his mum what he great day he had and how well behaved he was.

Have since received a message from her asking why he had so much money left over, replied saying I "treated" both boys to lunch so he only had to pay his entry. Haven't heard anything back from her.......now questioning was I wrong to buy his lunch?

OP posts:
CarlGrimesMissingEye · 29/07/2016 19:08

This thread has reminded me I owe my 4 year old £20 Blush

SmilingHappyBeaver · 29/07/2016 19:25

I wonder if she pocketed the difference, or actually put the £6 back in her DS's moneybox?

Gizlotsmum · 29/07/2016 19:28

Could it be maintenance money? Which she uses for treats rather than her money? Hopefully she will text back soon. I would probably have text asking...

redskytonight · 29/07/2016 19:31

Depends how much money he has and where he gets it from surely? If he's given loads by extended family to "spend on days out" that it makes sense.

My DC didn't have a penny to their names when they were 5, so I'm a bit bemused where the money is from anyway!

TheWindInThePillows · 29/07/2016 19:34

My children get given large sums of money (several hundred) by their grandparents at a time, and I certainly use it for their treat/extra days out. They can choose to spend that money, save it, go to extra days out, do what they like- but going out with friends to days out would be a top choice. I wouldn't worry about this, perhaps they have a deal where birthday/Christmas money is spent on days out so they can do more of them.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 29/07/2016 19:36

CarlGrimesMissingEye it's reminded me that I owe my 13 month old £20 Grin

Original poster
Jojo96 · 29/07/2016 19:44

I sent a follow up text saying...."hope you don't mind me treating him" she responded says she was actually really touched as she has never had anyone ever offer to treat her or him so didn't know how to respond.....Blush

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/07/2016 20:18

It was nice up to that point, OP. Your follow-up was a bit crass in my view. It's like "Acknowledge what I DID NOW!". Takes away the niceness because you've now embarrassed her into a reply instead of letting her send on in her own time.

RiverTam · 29/07/2016 20:22

Lunch isn't fun or something you want. It's a necessity. Weird.

PersianCatLady · 29/07/2016 21:19

Doesn't pay for his fun stuff?
Where does the money in the money box come from if she or someone else doesn't put it there then?

If there is some kind of magic self-filling money box then I need to know where to get one ASAP.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 29/07/2016 21:46

I'm being cynical here.

StarryIllusion · 29/07/2016 21:55

I don't think it was crass. I would worry they were angry with me in that situation and it would eat at me until I made sure that they didn't mind.

AppleAndBlackberry · 29/07/2016 21:59

I don't know, I pay for everything but my 5 and 7 year olds only get £1 a week and spend it pretty quickly so maybe she just has a different way of doing things.

SharonfromEON · 29/07/2016 22:01

I think so much depends on her circumstances, money child recieves..Some people start pocket money early to pay for days out like this..

We sold a heap of DS stuff at a carboot and spent the money on days out over the holidays..He needed nothing but memories are worth more than stuff to me..

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 29/07/2016 22:32

Just different circumstances - problem solved - now delete this thread before she sees itShock

NeedAnotherGlass · 29/07/2016 22:38

I'm assuming she's not sending him up chimneys to earn money for his piggy bank.

Maybe she budgets by putting money for days out in his piggy bank, so she has enough to see her through the summer.

By all means treat him, but I can't see anything wrong with what she is doing.

PersianCatLady · 29/07/2016 23:13

Maybe she budgets by putting money for days out in his piggy bank, so she has enough to see her through the summer.
Exactly what I thought and perhaps it is installing a little bit of financial sense into the boy as he is being shown how money works.

GingerLDN · 30/07/2016 23:27

I think it's a great idea what she's doing. I bet he'll grow up with a great grasp of his finances and I don't see the problem with it being his pocket money either. Not everyone gets pocket money anyway.

M0nstersinthecl0set · 30/07/2016 23:56

My girls have their money. But we also have a days out money box. All my £2 coins and 20ps go in it. Sometimes we include lunch / dinner out from the money sometimes the girls will help sort a picnic so there's money over for souvenirs.
I do add money to it (as my £2's just aren't that numerous). But they certainly are picking up on the entry fees to places now and how much special offers actually save (if any).

MLGs · 31/07/2016 00:08

Oh crap, I owe my 7 year old 20 quid too.

Claireabella1 · 31/07/2016 00:21

She doesn't pay for his 'fun stuff'? Odd! I understand teaching children the value of money but making a 5 year old pay for his own days out is quite sad. YWNBU to buy them both lunch, his mum probably hasn't replied because she's unwell, may be asleep/ not checking messages etc. You are not in the wrong imo.

Witchend · 31/07/2016 00:42

Not wrong to buy him lunch.
However I don't see the issue with him paying from his piggy bank.

Sometimes dm gives my dc money for the holidays. If one was invited out to something like that then I'd probably tell them to use some of that money. They appreciate that they have a limited stock of money for the holidays but that they all have the same. And if dd1 has most of the money left at the end because she's been careful, whereas dd2 has spent it all in the first two weeks it's fair.
Also when dd1 was about 9 or 10yo we found that the amount of pocket money we were giving was vastly under the standard. She was getting £1.00 a week, many friends were getting around £5.
We didn't feel that they were in need of more money (nor did they) but dd1 and dd2 said that they felt a bit embarrassed if the subject of how much came up and they were getting much less than anyone else. (actually I suspect dd1 was, dd2 I suspect just made up an amount)
So we came up with a plan. They received still the same amount of pocket money, then we gave them a certain amount for clothes and a certain amount for school stationary and £5 to buy a book with each month.
We then changed it to a monthly allowance. So it sounded a good amount per month, and not many children would stop and calculate how much per week to compare.
They were happy with this; we were happy with this and we've continued.
We did discuss adding into this money for days out in the summer and decided not to but it would have been perfectly reasonable to.

Now if it was my dc, I also would have asked you why there was so much money left, and your reply would have left me in a not sure whether to come round with the money or whether you meant it as a gift. So I'd probably be debating how to respond. Grin Yes I'd be overthinking it, but it would worry me that you'd be insulted if I offered to pay, or put out if I didn't.
I'd happily pay for your dc's lunch the next time (I quite often do as I hate carrying round packed lunches so I often offer to pay for lunch if I'm taking other children out so I don't have to!)

hks · 31/07/2016 00:44

Maybe she simply didnt want you to be out of pocket and obviously knows how much a day out with the kids (eg farm park ) can cost . and a wee bit concerned that he came back with money ..personally i would be grateful that she offered money instead of some who want their kids taken out for free ( not everyone can affoard to to this )

avamiah · 31/07/2016 00:54

OP,
You were very nice and in my opinion the child's mother sounds a little strange.
Whenever my 6 year old has her friends around and I take them out then of course I'm going to pay for her friends lunch or ice cream etc.
Otherwise I wouldn't take them out if I couldn't afford to do so.

avamiah · 31/07/2016 01:00

I'd just like to add that if you were taking your child's friend away on holiday for a few days then i would expect the mother to ask you about any costs and send the child with some pocket money for ice creams etc .