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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wwyd? £1000 from Mil....

55 replies

Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 10:58

Huge back story for 15years on this one! Basically Mil a total nightmare. Manipulative, difficult, tried to ruin our wedding, birth of Dc etc by behaving badly. She is a total narcissist... Dh and I do our best to keep the relationship ok so she can visit dear GC but she is a very divisive character(undermines him is generally rude in front children etc). Could type forever on this one! Used to cause many problems in our marriage but we point blank refuse to fight over it now and just do our best to 'stage manage' difficult visits. Reason for post....it is my birthday in a few days and I have just received £1000 in a card in the post (last visit from her was fairly horrific she was rude to everyone and generally behaved like spoilt brat - we tend to ignore bad behaviour as trying to address it in the past has not) she hasnt spoken to us in 3 months..... Will not keep money but what is the best way to return it without causing huge problems with wider family? Btw she cannot afford it - is still working at 65 has no pension, rents her home and spends money like it grows on trees. Help!

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 27/07/2016 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heavens2Betsy · 27/07/2016 11:41

Send a lovely thank you card and keep it but be prepared to return it if she uses it against you.
She might not see the last visit as horrific like you do. If you are ignoring her bad behaviour she may think all is good between you!
Happy Birthday!

SemiNormal · 27/07/2016 11:49

I think giving it back to her for Birthday/Christmas is the best idea.

Then in the future she can't say how ungrateful you are or about how generous she is. Keep it and she WILL throw it in your face, give it back and you'll be an ungrateful bitch. Giving it back under the guise of a gift is the perfect solution.

Original poster
Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 11:49

Navyandwhite she normally sends 100 pounds or some perfume which I feel is hugely generous!! We tried to clear the air after our wedding but she tends to say things like 'i don't know what you are talking about, I'm fine' or ignoring the problem. She never apologises to anyone so ignoring it is the only option we have!

OP posts:
LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 27/07/2016 12:01

You can do it! Just imagine accepting your little Oscar statuette after the call.... She'll probably have a go, but keep cool. See it as being a bit like root canal - painful but necessary. Good luck.

toptoe · 27/07/2016 12:05

Pop it in a savings account, wait til she asks for it back and then give it back. Or just transfer it back into her bank account.

She's forcing you into calling her I think. Either you'd call to say 'thank you' or to say 'thanks, but no thanks'. So I would do whatever possible to avoid the phone call.

NavyandWhite · 27/07/2016 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainchancer · 27/07/2016 12:10

What does her renting have to do with anything?
The op is explaining her Mils financial situation, the fact that she's renting is relevant in that she can't raise money from her property.

humblesims · 27/07/2016 12:10

what a tricky situation she's put you in. Sounds like she has done this specifically to wrong foot you. You seem set on returning the money which is understandable but I agree with others to just say thank you sweetly and hide behind the clock until she demands its return. If you do return it then she will call you an ingrate and think she has the upper hand. If you can brush that off then fine, it might be the best route. Whatever you do you mustn get dragged into discussion. But I think you realise that. good luck.

Smurfnoff · 27/07/2016 12:23

Spend the cash on a hit man. Problem solved.

spidey66 · 27/07/2016 12:28

What does her renting have to do with anything?

It does really.....most people who own have cleared their mortgage by her age, but as she's renting still has to pay housing costs.

PersianCatLady · 27/07/2016 12:37

Why don't you pop the money into a savings account?

If she starts causing your grief and trying to manipulate you because of it you can give it back to her.

Also if she likes to waste money I don't think giving it back to her is going to help her much.

Adarajames · 27/07/2016 13:00

Smith Grin

Adarajames · 27/07/2016 13:02

Smurff even! Bloody autocorrect

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2016 13:02

I would keep hold of the money and be prepared to give it back in some form later.

Original poster
Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 13:43

Have decided after much thought to put it in an account should she need it at a later date. Have written a nice card to say thank you and I have booked a wee holiday to take the GC away and it was so so so so very thoughtful of her. Just off to polish my halo.... Thank you all for advice! I agree it is designed to make me send it back and cause a row. This way I am being grateful but if it is ever mentioned in a negative way or she needs it it will safe in a bank account for her. Halo

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 27/07/2016 13:50

Oh well done. Best of both worlds. Surely she can't complain about any of it.

PersianCatLady · 27/07/2016 13:56

it will safe in a bank account for her
Excellent that sounds like a plan.

Original poster
Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 14:02

Dutchoma no doubt I will have done something wrong anyway Grin but this feels like the best fit. We had booked a few days away already but I've gushed in a card what a wonderful GM she is to give her little treasures this treat. If it comes back on us the money is there. Yey feel better now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 14:04

Just have to get dh on board now....he is for driving round and throwing it at her lolGrin

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 27/07/2016 14:06

I'd return it. You can say it's to much and your not confitbale accepting it.
Be polite but firm and do the conversation over text or email so you have a copy as back up.
I don't understand people saying returning it will cause drama. She can't cause drama if you don't allow her. You can block or ignore her.

trafalgargal · 27/07/2016 14:22

Put it in premium bonds, if she acts in a way you feel you need to return it the money stays intact, if you win a million you can tell her thank you !

Original poster
Passwordfatigued · 27/07/2016 14:28

Winning on the premium bonds....hmmm think I would move country and not tell anyone lol!

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 27/07/2016 14:39

Oh, you can't do right for doing wrong. It's a pig, but now you are doing what YOU think is right. I would try and stop dh from any kind of reaction as that is exactly what she would love him to do. If he does nothing she takes the wind right of her sails.

EssexMummy1234 · 27/07/2016 15:34

Would keeping it not cause problems with wider family anyway? or does she give all her children and their spouses the same for their birthday - seems like the kind of thing that would cause resentment otherwise.