Over this proposed contact arrangement?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Disclaimer: this is a short term idea until we get something more permanent in place.

STBXH moved out 2 weeks ago. He is in a shared house and doesn't feel comfortable taking the DC there. I'm fine with that but won't allow him back into the flat to see them either.
I have been meeting him in local parks for an hour here and there with them.
2 DC, 4 years and 22 months.

STBXH has Never had them out together. He always took one and left one with me. He is asking if he can take them out on his own, but one at a time.
And I feel really annoyed by this. I know it's going to mean he will be wanting one today and one tomorrow. And then a couple days later one then, one the next day.
Dd (4) will probably accept being told that he only has one car seat so can only take them one at a time but I feel like I'm still his child care.
I'm struggling along, trying to make ends meet, and find out rhythm and he's swanning in proposing cinema trips and play centres and special one on one time. Things I can't easily afford (I know I'm gonna have to get over this its just all a bit raw and it smarts cos he had zero interest in taking them 'out' when he lived with them)
And yes, I could have special one on one time with which ever one gets left behind so maybe that's the silver lining but I can't help feeling like I'm being used as child care cos he is too lazy and scared to attempt coping with them both.
I have to do everything with them both. Often had to when he lived here.
I can't go out and leave one behind. Not an option so I just feel that he should grow up and take this responsibility.
He says it isn't enjoyable to take them both out cos the little one tantrums and tries to run off (STBXH flatly refused to use buggy or reins) and then Dd screams if he doesn't do what she wants (she doesn't do that with me cos she knows it won't work but it does work with daddy).

AIBU to just to peed off by this?
I possibly am.

To be honest splitting them up for a contact isn't fair on the children either that's why courts don't tent to do it because if they constantly doing things seperately they'll barely see each other especially when they're a bit older and start school they need a relationship with each other too which they won't get if they're split up throughout the week.

You said you wanted him to fuck if out of all your lives well providing you think he can keep both children physically safe during the contact let him take both and you might just get your wish when he can't cope with both.

Tell him he's not having them individually and if he genuinely thinks he's not going to manage them both then he needs to hire a bsbysitter to help him while he gets used to doing it or arrange contact at a contact centre until he can manage both.

There's no reason he is incapable of caring for both at once millions of parents do it every day if he thinks he can't then he needs to sort out help for himself by paying someone or taking a parenting course.

I was going to say he can hire a babysitter to help

Thanks replies.

He is still attempting to control me. I see that and am having a hard time breaking away from it.

For example, it was Dd's birthday at the weekend. I agreed to meet in the park so he could give her presents and a cake and have a 'breakfast party'.
He messaged me shortly before hand to say 'on my way. Only have cake, can u bring candle and knife please'

I ended up (cos I'm practical and organised) packing a bloody picnic bag with a blanket, paper bowls, cutlery, drinks for the kids etc.
And not for him, for the kids. So they wouldn't have sit on wet grass or claw at cake with their fingers.
But it did annoy me that he did the absolute bear minimum and yet came off looking like a great daddy who got her a cake although she did tell him it wasn't as pretty or tasty as the cake I had made for her party the day before so I took that to the confidence bank

I can see him doing the 'why haven't you packed their bags' bit for future contact. And I can see dirty clothes being returned after over nights, stuffed into bags and requests for this that the other.

It was like having a 40 yr old child and he still seems to be clutching to the apron strings.
I'm stuck on playing nice so things are nice for the kids but that isn't a long term strategy.
It's such a headache

Don't let him start this, or it will keep happening. He can find someone to help him if he can't cope, as has been suggested by other posters. He is continuing to control you, and you are letting him.

Stop doing it!!

OP I've just remembered your previous posts, sorry I suggested him coming to your home. Good luck.

In your contact agreement it needs to state that clothes etc at his house are his responsibility. Don't let him make your kids into suitcase kids.

He'll get better at cooing when he has to. My brother was a tit like this but in his defended their was 18 months between them and it was a newborn, toddler and 20 year old gangster (in his mind/dreams). Soon learnt though and 11 years later he's super dad. His ex girlfriend literally pushed the pram at him and walked off, no nappy bag nothing

Oh yes and my ex expected bags packed every weekend. I LOL'd loudly. I have done it this week so he has money to spend in them rather than buying pants but I'm not doing it at weekends and having laundry at the end of my "break" (you know working full time and another 20 hours to bag some brownie points whilst not juggling 4 kids for a change).

I've been teetering on the fence, but VE dropped down into ' Say NO'.

It'll make or break him, either way, you win.

Urgh i hate this.

Tell him to fuck off and man up.

And stick to your guns.

If you want your children to have a father who can meet their needs and he is not a danger to them (either by abuse or stupidity).

Then you need to stop colluding with him, doing so is not helping

He's taking the piss and trying to control you, but he's sacrificing his bond with his kids in the long run

He's taking the piss and trying to control you, but he's sacrificing his bond with his kids in the long run

Huge sympathies for you and the kids.
My ex has done this a bit. He also used to call me rude names etc if I didn't hand over enough nappies, milk etc etc for contact and then would hand back dirty milk bottles for me to clean for them . It took me ages to see how ridiculous this was, and I got a lot of anger from him when I cut all the apron strings. But it has been worth it in the long run for my sanity and to put distance between us.

"Disclaimer: this is a short term idea until we get something more permanent in place."
It will end up as THE permanent arrangement, not short-term. This is the best possible time to get new boundaries in place.

"He will not get any enjoyment out of the time cos he will be super stressed and it is hard work with the age gap."
His lack of enjoyment is his problem, and he doesn't get to make it yours. You are not asking anything of him that you do not do yourself.

Yes, you could go with this arrangement. It will get him off your back FOR NOW. but if he is controlling, and he pushes down this boundary , he will not stop - he will look for your next boundary and start pushing. This is going to be a long haul, until your children are 18 (or younger than that if he really pisses them off in their early teens). Do not make a rod for your own back. Or for your children's backs.

This guy has really done a number on you. Probably over many years.

You have left him and he is still trying to manipulate you into doing what suits him best by firstly trying to convince you that it's best for the kids (it isn't ) and secondly by being deliberately useless at it knowing that you will then step in out of concern for the DCs.

Do not fall for his shit. He is a grown man who is more than capable of making sure his children are safe and appropriately cared for when they are with him. He just chooses not to do this because he wants you wrapped round his little finger. Do not fall for it.

If he doesn't keep them safe and appropriately cared for without you assistance, then he doesn't get contact. Simple. If he doesn't enjoy it then that's just tough luck. If he wants to enjoy contact then he'll soon learn he needs to adapt his parenting.

If you agree to him taking them one at a time then you'll be compromised in your ability to go to work or study during those times. Which will affect you massively in the long term. So just say no.

What is best for the children? I would think that, bearing in mind that they don't live with him and all time spent with him has to be "out" it will be much better for them to have 1-1 time with their dad.

When you are out much of the time is spent dealing with transport and pushchairs and restaurants and public places. It is hard to really engage with a child. Normally the fun/interest of being out makes up for the lack of engagement - which comes later at home. Your children don't have that with their father so really need the 1-1 time. It is crucial for them at this stage. The four year-old has had her world turned upside down.

The kids come first. Go with it.

And this perfectly illustrates why it is so difficult to know what to do, the children are the ones who are going to bear the brunt of his "not being able to cope" and not looking after them appropriately until he learns to dad up.

It will be much better for them for their primary carer, and only functioning parent, to end her abuse by him.

He can look after both children like a parent.

Or he can do everyone a massive favour and fuck off iut of their lives.

Thing is if he's out and about, his call nobody else's and that isn't working he can always make arrangements to see them at a contact centre, tbh that wouldn't be a bad idea and then if he really can't cope, a) there's somebody around to help him and b) it'll be documented.

The more I think about it though he'll do this for years. If you could go no contact how would he react ?