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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fear leaving Dh as I don't know if I would survive financially

45 replies

ginorwine · 26/07/2016 09:30

May be at the end of a once loving but now tired out marriage
There is a merry go round of lack of communication and personality mix and it feels like we are just lodgers . Counselling in past X 2

I have just left my career /job and am earing very little while I try to look to futur e

Came to head last night - I sent him text in day saying things feel difficult and he replied saying he wants to sort things . I got v anxious during the day about his return home and was monosyllabic by time he got home . He asks did I get his reply to which I said yes and I waited for him to elaborate . I'm the one who raises things and I admit I just wanted him to do so . Nothing happened . He went to bed as normal . When things bother him he just waits until it's all broken down and I step in to try . Well I've stopped doing it apart from y day .eg lack of sex - bothers him - well he said he Wd like more / but that's it .
He wil blame me for not encouraging him to talk last night . That is a thing he often says - I do admit I was grumpy due to anxiety at my prediction that he wdnt do anything and I kno I didn't help
I'm not sure o can manage this anymore - snd I know that I have my own faults
We have 100 k equity
He earns 45 k
We have dc about to go to uni and we had planned to pay his accom 6 k / 500 pm
I can't return to my career and my earning power will be low
Please can anyone tell me if I chose to split up how I can do so and financially survive
Eg rent Wd be £400 for a start .i wdnt get a mortgage - if we split the equity I'd get 50 k and the cheapest house here costs 120 k ....
Please can anyone advise 😞

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/07/2016 14:09

Perhaps you need longer term couples therapy - long enough that you develop new patterns of communicating, long enough that you both learn to change a little to stop you slipping back into old habits.

Perhaps when the DC leave it's the time for you to downsize so he can change to a less stressful job and meanwhile you find some sort of work that satisfies your more extrovert needs without the stress and burn out would incur.

I should think what happened to you has changed you more than perhaps you realise where it relates to your husband (not a criticism btw) and he hasn't accommodated that in anyway because it literally hasn't occurred to him.

Perhaps small steps and small changes will be enough for you both to be happier?

Pisssssedofff · 26/07/2016 14:14

You'll be fine, honestly, it's taken 2.5/3 years but I'm back in my feet and I have lots more outgoing a than you and half the equity. It will be ok if you want to leave

Chris1234567890 · 27/07/2016 00:36

Hi Op, Hope this evenings been ok for you.

It really does appear (and of course what the bloody hell do we know based on a condensed 2 minute thread) that there is so so much going on for you at the moment, now really is a bad time to make a life changing decision! Please do wait out and not be hasty.

Do get utterly selfish. It doesnt have to be in a conflicting, cruel way towards your DH, but I do understand that, having spent decades of being the glue that keeps the household and everyone in it ticking over smoothly, youre at a time in your life YOU now need support......and no ones even a tad interested!!!!! Whilst its really upsetting and can sometimes seem to get out of proportion, sometimes those nearest to us arent the best placed people to help anyway. Theyre too close. or they cant understand why youre not the 24/7 superwoman youve been for as long as they can remember.

Set out a list. Everything that causes you anxiety, or hurt, or anger, or embarrasment any thing and everything thats going on. Then try to split the list into areas you may be able to address in small bite size pieces. Is the GP a good starting place for a couple of items? (dare I mention menopause, but theres no need to suffer in silence with that one these days....could it be youre possibly pre menopausal without realising it?) Are your iron/vitamin levels good? A good general health check is always a good start. Is there unfinished business from your old job? Are you having difficulty accepting some events that may have happened and find yourself having the same circular anxious conversations in your head? Do you feel stuck somewhere and not able to move on from something? Write all these things down. Are you anxious about the DC s? Anxious about the Uni move? Anxious that you may take on too much debt that you cant cope with?

Then of course theres DH. Perhaps taking time to just focus on you right now is absolutely the right thing to do. Sod what hes doing at the moment. If you focus on your list and how small things may improve your happines, then giving him a little list of subtle changes may help greatly. Could he make the meals a couple of times a week perhaps? Youve had decades of pushing the hoover round and ensuring the home is well homely, could saturday morning he join you for an hour or two, either helping with washing, or cleaning windows together, or sorting out that damn wardrobe youve put off sorting for 5 years, and then after that, his time is his own for the rest of the day?

Maybe youll feel comfortable sharing some anxieties you may have about finances or work or Dcs etc whilst hes showing willing to be part of Team Ginorwine for a couple of hours on a saturday morning.? IMO men are simple creatures. Give them clear, non-critical instruction, and theyre quite good at following, and if it makes you happy along the way...well double bonus time Smile

Im just throwing random thoughts around here, but most importantly is, put you first. Do that list.

After that make a list of what would you like to do that youve never had time to do before? Would you like to learn an instrument? Would you like to take up a sport? Would you like to sew, make your own clothes or craft, or make candles? (Have your own little craft room in a spare bedroom) Adopt stray animals? Breed chickens? Learn to ride and find a riding school? Join a hiking club? Cycle?

In short, if you were single...living in a little flat above the newsagents, what would you be planning to do this weekend? Do it now instead. If its going to stay with old friends for the weekend. Do it. Whats DH going to do? He'll be absolutely fine as long as theres a tin of beans in the cupboard.

Please no need to reply to any of this, it really is just a random brain dump, but hopefully maybe one or two little ideas may just help. And of course, share away on here if it helps too.

Just5minswithDacre · 27/07/2016 01:12

£50k equity? Have you looked at shared ownership? Some will let you buy the owned portion with a lump sum. It would be much more secure for you.

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 07:53

Thank you Chris
I will do that list
I think as I've left a career that I have devoted myself to for many years but which has been stressful ,I now have the emotional energy to look around at what is going on in the rest of life
I'm post menopausal I think - well no period for a year .
I think that the stresses of my career meant that I closed down a lot and just got on with things and I cut Dh out somewhat - that , coupled with his natural reticence has meant txt we are way out of touch .
I will do that lists! I have a v old camper van and regularly go off on it and it was only when Dh and i went on holiday recently did I realise how little connection there was between us as we normally get on well on Holliday but this time it just felt empty .
I think that I always have struggled with his and my personality mix but before now there has always been something to balance that out with such as security , but at the moment the trade off isn't working .
He spoke with me last night and suggested we just act well towards each other to break a pattern of negativity - however I was really upset about his lack of response s earlier and although his idea may have been a good one I was really angry as took it as a hide things under the carpet stance which was probably not a good response . !
I may share the contents of post with him ideas wise and thanks .
My primary fear is the ongoing lack of connection introversion thought which feels like a weight on my heart and has done for a long time - maybe all marriages have a huge comprimise ? I just need to know if I can live with this one anymore .
Thank you so much for your thoughts .

OP posts:
rainytea · 27/07/2016 08:06

Hi Gin this isn't answering your AIBU but you mentioned you had extreme stress/PTSD from work. Are you having help with that? I ask because I know people who are in positions where that can happen and they tend to think that they know about it therefore they don't need help.

As the symptoms tend to exacerbate any other stresses, if this problem could be solved/lessened, then would you be able to see more clearly when looking at your work and relationship options?

It sounds like the lack of connection in your relationship is a stress, but at the same time you have some stability from it. If you split up the stress may be reduced (or would ultimately) but could bring additional stresses of moving out, breaking up and setting up on your own, all of which could be made easier if you felt better in yourself.

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 08:15

Hi rainy
Yes thank you I'm waiting for a non talking therapy via the nhs following work incident .

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie2 · 27/07/2016 08:53

chris what a fantastic post.

Op I do think most marriages have times when you fall out of contact with each other and you can start to doubt whether you are 'right' for each other still but this does sound like more than that.

You both seem to want to talk about it but then get locked in to a stand off each time, you need to have that conversation! I would start there and don't leave the room until you have said what you need to say and listened to him too, maybe a final time but give it everything and don't stop, don't get offended or walk away, stay until it's all said.

Also unmumsnetty (hug) to you too.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 27/07/2016 08:54

I think I might make a list too having reread chris's post!

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 08:59

Checkpoint
Thanks for the hug !
I have battled it out and said my complete truth as it were many times - then life , personality mix inevitably gets in way and it all starts again / goes back to same .
If for eg I say I'd like a gift to show appriciation I'd get a bar of choc or flowers for a while when he is worried then it peters off .....😳

OP posts:
dothedab · 27/07/2016 09:01

That's such great advice chris. I am off to do a list too.

dothedab · 27/07/2016 09:03

I agree that now is not the right time to make a major decision like ending a long marriage. You need time to adjust to what's happened to your career and your dc moving out.

Cocochoco · 27/07/2016 09:07

Have you thought about giving your ds less and spending some money on yourself? Presumably your ds will be going out at uni - I don't see why you shouldn't enjoy your life a bit more.

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 09:45

Coco gd idea !!!

OP posts:
Chris1234567890 · 27/07/2016 10:24

Menopause!!!!! OP, I cant stress enough how this must be top top top of your list. That dark crushing cant put a finger on anything specific feeling......menopause. That once calm, utterly in control, sensible and wise woman who now experiences anxiety or even panic ....menopause. The general sense of being overall unhappy and unfulfilled and lifes drifting away....menopause. Not been able to sleep properly for years due to night time worries and overthinking....menopause. General sense of lethargy and doing less and less that you put down to just getting older....menopause. Tearful.....menopause. Inability to be tearful......menopause. Aches and pains....menopause. And thats before you even look at the symptoms male doctors acknowledge like hot flushes, lack of libido and whatever that name is for our shrinking and drying lady parts!! (Dear mnetters, can we have a great word for that please?)

Do get to your GP and ask for a hormone test, and follow up with regular monitoring. Are you anxious about HRT for example because of the possible links to breast cancer? HRT today is so much better than hrt of 20years ago. Hormone testing is so much more accurate and treatment can be tailored to absolutely suit you. Even if you beleive you really dont want to go down the hrt route, there are other alternatives your gp can help with.

Going cold turkey with the menopause will last for years, BUT, you will one morning wake up, after a great nights sleep, feeling energised, full of hope for the future, wanting to make plans, just like the old you did 10 years earlier, and itll be over.

Book an appointment today, and in the meantime, be kind to yourself. Youve done fantastically well so far Flowers

Chris1234567890 · 27/07/2016 10:32

Ive just popped over to the menopause topic and found 'Help....shrinking fanjo!' I love that Grin

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 12:52

!!!!!!!!!!😄😄😄😄

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 27/07/2016 13:03

I'm scared to go over and look Grin

RichardBucket · 27/07/2016 13:07

ginorwine I just asked my husband for a divorce after years of putting it off for financial reasons. Yes, things are tight, but I'm so much happier. I'm currently looking for a new job with a pay rise (been to two interviews today) and I know it will all work out.

You're in a better position than me because you're in for £50k, which pays a hell of a lot of rent if you can't buy with it. I left the marriage with nothing. You will be okay.

ginorwine · 27/07/2016 13:34

Richard
All the very best to you 🌺🌺🌺🌺

OP posts:
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