To not take kids to grandparents?

[MammyV]

Split with husband year and half ago, I live in Scotland now (inherited my parents home) he is really far south in England near his immediate family. He is an arse, physically & emotionally abused me for years, never hurt kids ever though. Was very hard time making the move away, especially with kids, Divorce just finalising now family court ordered me full custody with him no contact or visitation as judge said he was 'unstable', interdict in place he is not allowed near our home, he facetimes kids every day which is fine with me. Judge said if kids want to see him and in future if I'm ok with it then it's my call really. I told grandparents they can see kids anytime no problem but what seems to happen is i'm the one driving kids south and picking them up with no help from them? I'm only working p/t so I can be there for kids and no childcare etc and I get £20 a week maintenance from ex for kids. So they expect me to drive south (8hours) and back again and stay over in a hotel so they can see the kids, without giving me a fuel contribution...I am under no obligation to let them see the kids but I feel it's really important they see their family, and I know the grandparents take kids to see their father etc which to be honest I'm ok with as long as he doesn't bother me, but I just can't afford this any more, they know my financial situation and say the journey here is too far for them sooo...do I say either help or your not seeing them or if you want to see them you come here? Then they won't see their dad,,, ps the family are a bit dim so perhaps I need to spell it out to them? What would you do?

Did you move so far for protection, or because you inherited a house?

I think you should be honest and see what's said.

My Mother never bothered to keep in touch with Family, ours was the opposite, Family in Scotland.

We also had Family dotted about the UK.

I always resented her for it, it was very selfish.

Could you go and encourage/teach them to use FaceTime etc to keep in touch.

Do they write letters and your children send letters/pictures/cards to them?

I think MN is unusual, in that many posters aren't bothered about having family, or they take it for granted.

thankfully we don't have the added complication of divorce but my inlaws never really put themselves out and certainly never ,ever contributed financially to petrol costs,bed and breakfast costs when we made the 3 hour trip to see them.
Result...they are very old,have virtually no relationship with grandkids and its sad.
Don't see how we could have done things any better tbh.

Yanbu but I would still take them occasionally. Not every school holiday, maybe once or twice a year if you can manage it. Ideally they would help you out in some way, but I know some GPs just aren't that interested.

My ILs aren't at all as bad as yours as they will come to see us occasionally, and I'm not comparing my situation to yours as it sounds like you've had a very rough time and are pretty fucking amazing for being arsed to maintain the relationship when they aren't tbh. Anyway, my ILs are just a little bit less than enthusiastic about seeing my DD. They will come and see us, but they have other GC (SIL's DC) who they are much more involved with. It's very hurtful when your DC's GPs just don't seem very bothered.

Yanbu at all. This really is a huge ask from you to facilitate. They need to meet you half way or cover some of the costs.

No, you are not at all unreasonable. They are taking the piss. Your suggestion of booking a holiday and inviting them sounds like a diplomatic compromise.

I think you know you are not being unreasonable to want to reduce what is an extremely significant commitment on yourself both financially and in terms of time and effort. I suspect you have fallen into the trap of feeling duty bound out of guilt and you need to pull yourself back from that. You moved for your own good reasons and it is what it is, there is nothing to feel guilty for. If the GPs care enough about their grandkids they should at least work with you, either by taking their turn to come up or by making meaningful contributions to your travel expenses. Speak to them and explain you simply cannot sustain the current arrangement. Let them know that they are welcome to see their grandchildren but they will need to make an effort themselves. If they don't like it, that's their loss. If you let people take advantage of your good nature they will.

I can't believe their father is only contributing £20 a week but I guess that is another discussion.

If I split from my husband my mother in law would move heaven and earth to maintain a relationship with my children. If that meant driving 8 hours each way or paying for all my expenses for me to do the journey she wouldn't hesitate.

OP if they can't compromise then neither should you. Family is important but not to the detriment of the quality of life you can offer your children.

Just be clear with them that you cannot afford to continue with the status quo. Either they contribute to your expenses or you only make the journey once a year with them being welcome to visit you at any other arranged point.

Yanbu. I would make the trip once per year perhaps in the summer holidays and tie it in with a holiday somewhere a few hours from them. So could stop for a few hours visit on the way to holiday destination and a few hours on the way back. You could even invite them to join you on the holiday for a few days if your feeling generous.