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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that NO I should not be over 'it' by now!

17 replies

Dumpelstiltskin · 25/07/2016 23:25

The 'it' is being disowned by my mother and siblings. It's been 3 years now since I last had contact with my mother and 6 years since I have seen any of my siblings or neices/nephews.

I still get very sad and can be emotional at times (not the rocking in the corner type of emotional but teary eyed which I try to avoid the DC seeing and chain smoking the the garden) especially when I see something relevant on TV like close family relationships, or the Long Lost Family programme, and at Christmas/Easter and on my DC's birthdays when the lack of family presence is more noticable.

DH has been telling me basically since I was 'cast out', not to talk about them/think about them and just to move on.

I know he will be devastated when his own mother dies but I'm not allowed to be because mine is still alive and she is/was pretty abusive.

As far as I am concerned I will never get over it or the impact it will have on my DC's knowing their family/history in the future. I expect to always carry this sadness and I am pretty angry about it because I don't want to carry it!

DH expecting me to just forget about it pisses me off even more.

It's him BU surely?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/07/2016 23:30

He is being unreasonable but I don't think necessarily out of unkindness. More likely he finds it awful to see you so upset about your family when they have been so awful to you and is himself sad that despite them having no contact with you, still cast a shadow over your lives.

PeggyMitchell123 · 25/07/2016 23:35

He is unreasonable but to be honest it all sounds very draining to have someone upset on every occasion and over things like tv shows. Especially if he feels he can't do anything and he feels you are better off without them.

Sorry that is not the answer you want.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/07/2016 23:45

Very unreasonable

There's no 'over it' with abusive families. You will mourn not having a family who nurtured you (almost) forever.

My parents are long gone and were cut out of my life for 20 years before they died. I still mourn the loss of being loved and nurtured, of never having a 'proper' family.

For me them being dead is a bit easier than when they were alive. But only a bit.

good luck to you

titania12 · 25/07/2016 23:52

I think its neither reasonable or unreasonable as not black and white.
You are grieving and there is no cap on that or time table for when the hurt ends
But He might be saying it from a place of love as he can't bear to see you hurting and makes him feel out of control as there is little he can do
Have you ever said you just need to talk about is sometimes but don't expect answers- just a safe person to talk too?

Original poster

Dumpelstiltskin · 25/07/2016 23:54

I know but telling me I'm weak doesn't help! He has also said that it's no wonder my family don't want to know me after arguments. It's like a stick to beat me with.

He is very unemotional whereas I feel things deeply. He was the same after we lost DD2 - don't talk about it, pretend it never happened, no comfort etc.

It's so much harder to deal with when I have no support.

back to you Laurie. I probably won't know when my mother dies (or my father as she cut him out after their divorce when I was a child and I couldn't have a relationship with him as an adult because I didn't trust him after the picture she painted of him). It feels like I'm stuck in a bad dream sometimes. I wish I could get to a state of wanting to have a party when she does make her descent into hell if I ever found out, but I still love the bitch grrrrrr .

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 25/07/2016 23:56

To be honest I do think you need to find a way to get over it. It doesn't have to cast a shadow on the rest of your life and it certainly doesn't have to be passed down to your chikdren. I have a very complicated family and it took me a long time to work through my issues but I owed it to me and my little girl to do that and live a healthy life. T

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2016 23:57

He has also said that it's no wonder my family don't want to know me after arguments. He's a shit head. There's some stuff you don't say.

Choceeclair123 · 26/07/2016 00:05

First time I've seen someone else describe how I feel about the NC with my abusive family "stuck in a bad dream". Been 3 years for me and i still feel crap about it. Feeling comes and goes... It's awful I know exactly how you feel

VioletBam · 26/07/2016 00:07

You obviously need counselling OP.

hastheworldgonemad · 26/07/2016 00:07

You deserve better love. Sounds like a huge back Story but it's not great is it.

LizKeen · 26/07/2016 00:14

Well your husband is a twat. That can't help.

I am a year in and it's really hard. I really hope that it will get easier in time but I suspect I will have wobbles around significant occasions. Being able to talk about it is important and if you aren't able to do that with your husband it will just keep going round and round.

Memoires · 26/07/2016 00:22

I'm sorry, but your husband is a knob.

You say you couldn't have a relationship with your dad as you didn't trust him due to the picture of him you mum painted. Can you make exploratory overtures to him now, as you know that your mum really isn't to be trusted, and perhaps your dad is an OK chap after all? It may well help, if you and he have an honest relationship and you may not miss your mum quite so much.

I'm so sorry. This is all pretty shitty.

Pauperback · 26/07/2016 00:23

Your husband is being insensitive, but when you say things like 'as far as I'm concerned, I'll never get over it', I agree strongly with mummy2ash. You need to find a way, if not to 'get over it', then to deal with it. Lots of people have appalling, rejecting families.

PovertyPain · 26/07/2016 00:31

I'm 29 years no contact with my parents and siblings. You never 'get over it'. Your husband is a selfish dick if he can't cope with your sadness. Boo fucking hoo that your sadness upsets him.

Damselindestress · 26/07/2016 00:42

He has also said that it's no wonder my family don't want to know me after arguments.

I almost never say this but LTB.

robinia · 26/07/2016 00:48

Totally NBU.
Does DH know that you still 'love' your mother? ie. the depth of your feelings for her.

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2016 02:32

Dumpelstiltskin I am so sorry for you, this sounds so hard.

Some very wise advice and sympathy here. Clearly he is unreasonable to expect you to be over it.

It must be very hard for him to live with your sadness but your words "I know but telling me I'm weak doesn't help! He has also said that it's no wonder my family don't want to know me after arguments. It's like a stick to beat me with." paint a very unpleasant picture of him! Someone who is not necessarily trying to help you move on but trying to be horrible to you. Very worrying!

I agree with MrsTerryPratchett, "...There's some stuff you don't say."

Do you have children together and live together? I am assuming you do have at least one child together, so you should both be working together to make family life work. It sounds like h just expects you to get over it and the words he uses sound abusive.

You said "He was the same after we lost DD2 - don't talk about it, pretend it never happened, no comfort etc."

I am so very sorry, this must be almost impossible to live with but parents do find some way to cope with this terrible sadness.

He sounds like he can't deal with his own feelings and so he is kind of blaming you for bringing emotion (negative emotions into family life/your relationship). He doesn't sound at all sympathetic, and those comments show a horrible side to him.

Have you had help to heal with the loss of your dd2? Depending how you lost your little one, and at what age, there will be organisations to help you. I am sure you know the organisations. Have you tried to access help and how long ago did you lose your little one? If I may ask?

Please do access help. I agree with VioletBam you need counselling. Please see if you can access some counselling to help you move on from all this sadness, not to ignore it but to learn to live with it.

You may need to pay for it, but it might be available on the NHS if this is making you depressed, especially in relation to the loss of your little one.

Please talk to someone (GP first maybe) to see what to do. Especially in relation to the loss of your daughter.

Re "I probably won't know when my mother dies (or my father as she cut him out after their divorce when I was a child and I couldn't have a relationship with him as an adult because I didn't trust him after the picture she painted of him)."

If it feels appropriate might it be possible to trace your father and just see if he may be a part of your extended family network? I do not mean he will supply support etc for you, that would be way too much to expect too soon but it may begin to unpick some of the damage your mother has done in your life. I agree with Memoires about your dad.

Re "but I still love the bitch" I think it is OK to still love her but learning that she can't reciprocate that love appropriately may free you from expecting it. This is her fault and not your fault.

All the best.

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