To think if you won't travel to see someone you can't complain you don't see them enough?

[NobodyInParticular]

AIBU to think if you won't travel to see someone you can't complain you don't see them enough?

A friend and I live about 25 miles away, which on public transport takes about 2.5hrs and costs about £15-£20. For either of us it would involve bus - train - bus. She lives in a city and I live rurally. Her income is about double mine, but neither of us are especially hard up. There are no other extenuating circumstances such as travel phobias etc - she semi regularly goes to towns which are 40 miles from her home.

Once upon a time I used to travel to her house and see her about once a fortnight because it was a convenient journey for me at the time and I was happy to do it and enjoyed seeing her. In the 3 years I have known her she has never visited me at my house or in my nearest town (which would be a bus then a train) where I have always said I would be happy to meet instead. The closet to my home that she has ever agreed to meet me is 20 miles away from me! I'm pretty sure this is because she views visiting my house / town as being not especially interesting (average house, average town, much like hers in fact) and therefore not worthwhile when she could save herself the effort and expense by getting me to come to her house instead.

She frequently nags me about arranging a time to go and see her. More or less every time we chat she will mention booking a diary date for me to come over and often she will mention it several times within the same conversation. She uses what I feel are standard emotional blackmail lines such as "but it's so sad I don't get to see you much any more", "I really miss having a good chat", "it would be so nice to have you over for XYZ again", plus sometimes "I've got XYZ amazing thing I really want to show you / give you, but it's at my house so you'll have to come over". Sometimes I just respond by saying I'm too busy / making an excuse, but a few times I've "called her" on it and have responded with "Yes, I really miss seeing you too. It would be lovely to see you, how about you come over to [my nearest town] / my house and we can have a good chat". Strangely, whenever I have done that she falls very silent about how much she misses seeing me and changes the topic or doesn't reply to my message!

AIBU to think that in the absence of extenuating circumstances it should be the person willing to do the travelling who chooses how often to meet up, and that it's bloody unreasonable to complain to the other person that you don't get to see them often enough if you're unwilling to ever travel?

Also, AIBU to "call her" on this whenever she uses the emotional blackmail tactics by offering an invite to my town / house instead?

snore how sad they're "desperate to see you" but haven't bothered to stop off at your house for 3 years!! That's appalling! Sad that your DC have no relationship with them and their cousins because of their lack of effort!

She's not that into you. :-/
Make your trips only when it would suit you to catch up or travel that way, really you have all the power about their frequency and timing as you do the travel which makes these meetings happen.

Nobody I do Brussels to Dover using the ferry, then stop for the night. I then do Dover to Devon/Cornwall borders the next day. Rinse and repeat to Dover the next day, then across on the ferry and Dunkirk to Brussels the day after. If I want to get some shopping in or a day not driving, I have to build in an extra day or two as well. I have an auto immune disease which can make life difficult at times, depending on how tired it makes me, hence not driving for more than 7 hours a day. It takes me 6-7 hours from Dover to Mum's, depending on traffic, and how often I feel the need to stop.

I do try to combine the trips with other things, so at Christmas, I'll go and pick her up, then come back via my son's university to pick him up for Christmas. What Mum doesn't factor in is the expense of the petrol, the ferry, wear and tear on the car, and on me, plus hotel bookings and meals, as I pay for those and she doesn't.

I live 25 miles away from DM and my closest friends. We moved 14 years ago. DM and one friend have never been to my house , the other friend comes about once a year.
I've given up trying.

"I find it especially insulting given I know she goes to stay with another friend who would be twice as far as me (40 miles) on the same train line as me!! And she visits that friend a fair bit."
You find it insulting because it is insulting. I would find it very hard to be civil to her nagging me to visit, given she will visit others but not me.

As a teenager I had friends who I travelled to see when they rarely visited me. That was mainly because I lived further away from the school than they did as I moved age 13 and there was no vacancy in the near school. I was also a keen cyclist.
I don't do it as an adult. I would just use the phrase "it's your turn to visit me" Or tell her plainly to stop moaning about you not visiting when you feel it is one way as she never visits you and just wants to see you as long as she doesn't have to make any effort.
Be honest with people.
I'm only willing to visit people who will visit me.
I don't understand people who aren't hones with lazy people and tell them it's their turn and if they are really bothered about seeing you they could maybe reciprocate the visits.

Yanbu. I have a friend who lives in the same town and she's never invited me to her house which I think is a bit strange. But I suspect it's because her house is a lot smaller than mine so if we're meeting up with the kids there's more room at mine.

Another person chipping in to say YANBU. It's infuriating! I left London a few years ago and moved to the other end of the country. I have spent hundreds (actually more than that) pounds going down to see friends who were "desperate to see me". With the exception of one couple, NONE of them have travelled to see me. When I've challenged them on it, they've all said it's too far to travel (ignoring the fact I have done the same journey!) and it's too expensive (they all earn double what I earn and it's also cheaper to visit me because I have a spare room!). At the end of the day, many people are just incredibly selfish and are not really good friends. They want you there when it suits them and when they don't need to put in any effort.

Really hope your friend pulls her finger out and visits you!

She sounds like a shitty friend. My SIL does this and it drives me batty. DH and I are moving abroad and when she found out at Christmas she was full of 'we will MISS YOU' and 'I can't believe you're going!' And said several times how they would have to come stay with us a few times before we left (and see our flat in London which we've had for almost 3 years and, despite numerous offers to stay in one of our handful of guest rooms, have not once been to visit ). Needless to say, the only time we've seen them this year have been the 3 times DH and I have gone down, even though we both work 50+ hours a week It is what it is though, and I make no effort anymore. Unfortunately it's family though, so we'll be stuck with this forever.

Just disengage after you make up for the cancelled visit and leave it at that. Real friends tend to give a fuck and be considerate.