To think a 3 year old should be able to feed herself?

[timegate]

DD (3 year old) won't eat herself. She constantly needs cajoling, bribing and someone needs to sit and feed her. I'm fed up. AIBU to think a 3 year old should be able to feed herself dinner?

Presumably not every meal is all three of you together?

How is she when DH isn't there?

My 2,6 year and 13 month dc feed themselves.

Your daughter has learnt to control you and do what she likes.

Give her a fork and a spoon and then just leave her to it, eat alongside her and discuss your day do not talk about dinner. If my 2 haven't eaten by the time I have finished I set a 5 minute timer and they know that when it goes off, dinner is finished and there is nothing until the next meal. They are not cajoled, fed, helped in these 5 minutes it carries on like the meal time just with an onus that once the timer is finished, so is the meal. Some people offer fruit at the end regardless but we have the rule that if the timer is on then pudding is forfeited. There are no snacks until the next meal if it's dinner we may offer a cup of milk before bed - but more as a I'm having a cup of tea would you like a drink. If they wake early leave until breakfast time.

Just leave the room and potter nearby.

Sooverthis does your child have SN?

3 is way too old op, you need to stop.

As pp said, give her half an hour, then chuck it, toast before bed, that's it.

Do you eat with her?

YANBU DD1 is 4.5 and is perfectly capable of feeding herself even cutting up her food, on times she will even feed DD2. However some evenings if she is tired I have the same, cajoling, bribery, loading her fork, feeding her... We all eat together. I have tried just taking away what hasn't been eaten but she will mess around at bedtime complaining that she is hungry or be up early (4/5am) asking for breakfast. It's easier to just help her and try to make the most of it as it will not last forever. I don't know any adults who need feeding.
DD2 20months refuses help (other than from DD1) and always feeds herself.

I have a nearly 5 yo and a 2.5 yo. Guess which one I have to feed?

Of course my eldest is able to feed himself and if he really is starving or it's something he really likes he will eat it all on his own, but if he is only moderately hungry or tired, etc. he gets distracted and only eats a couple of mouthfuls before declaring he's full, so he generally starts eating on his own and after a while he takes over.

I know most people will think we are crazy, but when you have a skinny child who doesn't always recognise hunger, but gets cranky and tired cos he hasn't eaten enough you chose best of two evils. (He is actually around a pound lighter than his sister who is almost 2.5 years younger, so, even though she over the 90th percentile he is skinny and I dont want him to be any thinner).

I couldn't use a knife and fork until I was 11

Fine motor skills just weren't there.

doing when DH isn't there she doesn't kick such a fuss

mewhoo my DD is the same. Underweight. And hence why we've got into this habit.

I feed my 6 year old his vegetables.. He's well able to feed himself when he wants to eat what's on the plate. but I can get a plate of vegetables in to him in about 5 mins flat as opposed to sitting over him cajoling him for ages. I don't see any problem with this - I know he's had a nutritious meal then. I also know he's week able to use cutlery. I doubt I'll be spoon feeding him when he's 20 or 30 so nothing to worry about

My 3yr old will only eat veg if i feed them to him. He will declare he isn't hungry and not eat again for the rest of the day out of stubbornness! I have picked my battle and would rather spoon the food into him than have him go without veg. He will grow out of it eventually!

Iguessyourestuck I like the timer idea, I think that might work with me, and if she is hungry later she can drink milk. I'm going to discuss it with DH and see what he thinks. The problem is I think she doesn't like most of the food I offer her. Which is frustrating because I'm actually a good cook.

Is having the main meal of the day at lunchtime an option? If tiredness is an issue, that might help.

6 words article from HuffingtonPost

in your shoes I always just served the family meal to the toddler and they chose to eat it or not. No fuss. They were allowed down from the table if they had finished as we don't jolly or cajole or demand. The last uneaten meal awaited them if they suddenly needed food later but they still had to get back on the chair and eat it at the table. We would always serve then a new meal each official meal time. I have 4 great eaters and they will try anything and like most things.

noonesfool it's not tiredness, as she isn't tired at that time. I think it's partly she's not keen on the food, and attention seeking behaviour (but she gets plenty of attention!)

Bastard no no sn but she was very ill as a baby/toddler and underweight she would feed herself a bit of food but stop and I think it became habit to feed her the rest of her dinner when I finished mine and that in turn meant she liked to be fed. I was a single parent and had no one to say oi doughnut stop doing that til my friends mum but to be fair she totally fine now a good healthy weight and feeds herself. In the grand scale of things spoonfeeding my dd isn't my worst parenting mistake and saved us no end of time and angst. She also slept in my bed til she was, actually I'm not even going to admit it but she stopped breathing twice as a baby and had dreadful asthma so another thing I think meh do what works for you.

She clearly is able to feed herself if she is doing it when she likes the stuff.
Your issue is more to get to eat what she isn't keen on.

Unless she has some issues going on (dc2 was constipated and ate very little for a long time), then she is basically a very fussy eater.

I find it interesting that she doesn't fuss as much when your DH isn't there. By any chance, is it the samw thing when you are out and about or someone else is there and all the attention isn't on her anymore?

I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea for her to eat on her own earlier and then she can just join you when you are eating and having little nibbles with you.
Another way that works well is for her to eat with other children, all of them together. They always react in a very different way and aren't as fussy ime.

YY to make it as low key as possible and trying to identify the trigger. PP have talked about not recognising hunger, lack of fine motor skills etc... so I would make that your first angle of attack. If you know the trigger (eg your DH pandering to her or you getting into an argument about how to deal with it) then remove the trigger.
Don't give in only giving her the foods she eats. But you can give her that and insist she has at least 3 mouthfulls of the rest. Then leave it at that. Carry on introducing foods she isn't keen on mixed with the others. She wil get used to them.

I do get what you are talking about. When dc2 was constipated, the only thing he was happy to eat was cucumber. Not great for a 2~3 yo trying to grow.... (and yes he did 'loose' a lot of weight he didn't put any for more than 1.5 year moving from the 90th centile to the 20th centile...). It's worrying and you want them to be better especially when you can see they are tired from the lack of food.
The balance is hard to find but the mix of somethng you like with something you aren't as keen has been what worked for us.
It wasn't quick though....

Sounds like she doesn't eat what she doesn't like which is fair enough. As long as she tries new foods if she doesn't like it then don't make it for her.
Could you freeze her fave meals to have on standby if she tries a new meal and doesn't like it?

My 3 yr old DS occasionally does the same thing. Tends to coincide with him being tired or there being something on his plate that offends him....veggies other than peas, potatoes with skin...strange boy. He knows that we would prefer he eat something than he go to bed hungry but we recently started using a kitchen timer to encourage him to eat. If he's resisting feeding himself and DH and I have finished eating, we set 5 mins on the timer and he knows when the timer goes off, the meal is over. Seems a bit draconian but he's able to feed himself very well at nursery so we know he's only playing up at home because he can / we are a soft touch! Helps massively if you and DH are consistent in your approach.

By comparison, my 15 month old shoves everything in his mouth by himself (mostly BLW) and only spoons bearing yoghurt are given permission to enter his airspace and must be guided in on the final approach!

My 4 are all slim too (very bottom percentiles) and have typical lovely 1960's figures, lucky them! They will be slim healthy adults im sure and will have no weight issues. They are super healthy and have great attitudes to food. Their weight has never coloured my expectations eating wise. I've relied on my children to just know how much they want to eat and to know when to stop eating. They know when they are full and I don't want to get them into unhealthy habits of feeling they HAVE to clear a plate when full.

I posted a long post about this the other day, the much condensed version is that I drove myself to the absolute brink trying to get the (very slim) 3yo to eat/feed herself whilst the 1 yo just got on with it. I tried everything (like you, I was under pressure to 'just feed her she's young). My sanity was at the point of leaving for good, so got a grip of myself and drew a line under it. She loved her bath, so I said that when the timer went off it was time to get things sorted to go up to the bath....I didn't mention her dinner at all. When the timer went off we tidied up & went upstairs. A few nights of this and she soon worked out if she didn't eat some dinner she'd be hungry. I took a banana & milk up with us, which I just put on the bedside table while I read to her. She ate it if she wanted, didn't if she didn't. Cleaned teeth & I took what wasn't eaten/drunk away. I stopped stressing about dinner and she's now a very healthy 10 year old who still eats more some days and virtually nothing other days. She's fit, healthy, growing like a weed, just not that interested in food. Tis a rare child that will starve themselves. Free yourself from the drama!

If she will feed herself for things she really likes, why not decide to have a 2-week programme where you cook those things all week the first week or ten days, so that she gets into the habit of feeding herself at every meal. Don't help her at all. Then, gradually, introduce other meals back into the rotation, and simply leave her to it? 7-10 days should have established a new habit that she feeds herself, and with luck she'll just keep on doing it when you switch back to other meals. Make them easy to eat with a fork and spoon at first so she can't make any business of asking you to cut things up that she can't manage. The key is just not to give in and then never start the feeding again..... (fingers crossed!) Good luck!

I used the timer with success, but DS is usually good at eating.

However, she could like things that you don't like. DS will happily eat most types of offal, and cooked carrots that I don't like.
Otoh, I can't get him to eat stir fries.
He tends to like simple foods without much flavour.
You may be a good cook, but not necessarily to her liking at this stage.
I'd offer at least one thing she likes at each meal, as much as possible, and keep offering other foods.
Maybe have a competition about eating it all from plates.
But definitely stop feeding her.