How to handle overbearing MIL

[user1467619390]

My partners mother is very pushy and overbearing. She announced a few weeks ago that she was coming to see her grandson and basically landed on us without asking and without telling us how long she planned to stay. She buys a lot of stuff for DS and insists on paying for everything when she's here. I appreciate all of this of course but don't appreciate anyone coming to stay without asking and checking it's ok, never mind telling me what to do and treating me like the cow that feeds the child. She regularly takes over when I'm changing him, dresses him up the way she wants, grabs him out of my arms and is away too close and touchy while I'm BF. We have a small apartment (1 bed) and a small baby and having visitors for a couple of days takes its toll. After 3 days of me having to spend all day with her I cracked and asked DP to find out how long she was planning to stay. I figured if it was longer than a week then I'd ask her to at least give me some hours at home daily on own with baby, just for the head space. When I asked DP took offense and told her I wanted her to leave. She was 'hurt' and felt unwelcome and sulked and gave me the cold shoulder for the next 2 days until she could get a ticket home. I don't think IABU, but somehow DP is making me feel guilty for standing up to this woman. She is his mother after all and doesn't like to see her upset. I know we could have handled it differently but i think she would still have been offended as she isn't used to being told to back off. Anyone any experience dealing with a MIL like this and how do you manage it? I've never had to deal with someone like this and need a plan as unfortunately we'll be dealing with each other other for a long time.

You asked DP to find out how long she was staying, and he told her you wanted her to leave?

He does not sound like an adoring son who doesn't like to see his mother upset. Or a supportive partner either.

With Memoires here, he used you to further his own agenda. He gets rid of her, you get the blame. Nice win for him. So I 'll take your spineless and add sneaky and self serving..and then theres the " don't want to get in the middle of it" so circulating right back round to spineless...

I don't know why as wives we are suddenly expected to service and maintain relationships with people we are thrown together with due to circumstance, or why husbands get to offload that. But it's wrong and his stepping away like this when you are vulnerable pretty much guarantees that your relationship with your MIL will be a disaster. ( Well it already is really) but it is not your fault it is and he needs to do some real work to establish boundaries, as others have said.

when DS was born they brought no flowers or even a bloody grape, and practically knocked me out of the way to get to the baby. Alarm bells.

No, that's not alarm bells. Why did they need to bring you a present? Why could they not want to see the baby? She is definitely in the wrong now but don't create a back problem that isn't there; it will make things worse.

Sorry your DP is being such a fool.

I'd tell him if he didn't want to be involved then he shouldn't have created the situation. He has to take responsibility for is own handiwork.

Really, a loving dh/dp simply woudn't have done it.

Does he usually create situations and then dump them on everyone? Bet it's not the first time.

In future, insist that your partner has to take time off work when she is there, you are not the paid entertainer.

He does seem to feel free to make a LOT of assumptions about what you will do, without asking you or consulting you in any way, whilst also taking a big step away from responsibility.
There are some very astute comments on this thread and a substantial consensus, quite telling really.

And

Have you actually tried, really tried to talk to her about how you feel. She sounds a nightmare, but unless she gets told straight, without getting your hair off, just in plain language what she does that upsets you, you're not going to get anywhere. You DP obviously can't be trusted to pass on a message or explain your feelings so you'll have to do it yourself.
Tell her that you don't like her being so touchy feely when you are feeding your baby. Tell her that you need more notice of when she would like to stay and how long she would like to stay for. Tell her that actually, in an apart,met the size of yours, probably two nights is the maximum that this will work for, otherwise you will help her find a local hotel. Tell her that when she stays for more two days, you NEED a bit of space and time to yourself / with DP alone. Arrange for her to visit her friend, without you. Tell her that there are times when you would like her advice, but you'll ask when you do. If you don't talk to her, she doesn't know. MILs can be a pain in the arse, but they aren't commonly clairvoyant!

No no no she sounds rude, overbearing and a pita. You have every right good on you for standing up for yourself. Why did you let her drag you to her friends! Yes you do have a dh problem, I would be reading him the riot act, and telling him that you will not put up with it and set some basic rules.