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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn't want to sleepover at her friends due to her parents.

54 replies

IlikeCluedo · 23/07/2016 22:52

So I want to know of I am being unreasonable to not send DD to sleepover at her friends house again and if so what should I say to the parents.

DD (10) has 2 friends. DD and Friend A have been best friends for years and slept over at each other's houses since about 8 years old.
Friend B moved to the school at the beginning of this year and has become friends with the girls. Bs parents have taken the girls to the cinema a couple of times but they haven't been on a day out etc before so they haven't spent much time with Bs parents. But B has had a few days out and sleepovers with us.

So B invited the girls for a sleepover the other day. So Bs mum picked up DD and friend A on Thursday. DD says that Bs mum said to the girls that they had to be extra nice to B because they had lost a family pet. DD said she was sorry to here that and she knows how B is feeling if she wants to talk as we have recently lost a pet. Bs mum said that was different as DD has siblings and B is an only so she will be sadder. DD is shy particularly around adults so she just said oh ok and let it slide.

The parents wanted to order food from a take away but we don't usually eat that particular cuisine as DD doesn't really like it. So she text me to ask what she might like. I replied and DD ordered it. But when it came the parents split all the food that everyone had ordered so everyone had a bit of everything. DD asked if she could just have what she likes. Parents said no as this is how they do it. DD said that she asked what they were having and they wouldn't tell her what it is and just kept using racist nicknames for the food as that is what the family calls them. DD didn't like a lot of it and said the portion was massive but tried to eat as much as possible. She left a bit as did A and the parents kept rolling there eyes and tutting at them.

The girls were then sent to bed at 9 as they were getting up early and told not to talk. DD and A were a bit put out as usually on sleepovers they stay up a bit later. B went to sleep straight away. DD and A were texting each other with their phones on silent. They heard the dad come at about 9:20 and DD managed to hide her phone but A was a bit slow. The dad really shouted at A and told her she was awful and disrespectful until A started crying and then he told her not to be a baby and left.

That morning the parents insisted that each girl have a shower and they had to watch a certain tv programme then complained that they were taking too long.

When they got out for lunch the DCs were only allowed a kids meal which had a sticker on them that said 8 and under. When they sat at the table the dad said A and DD had to pay for their meals now. We had given DD money just in case so she payed but A had only bought a couple of pound and as it was a big tourist attraction she couldn't afford it. The parents kept saying that they wouldn't carry on with the trip without the money and B was getting upset and then the parents were getting angry because B was upset. So in the end DD payed for the rest of As meal.

On the way home the mum was quizzing the girls about activities outside of school and comparing it to what she does with B. She asked A if her mum took her swimming and A said no because her mum says that she looks like a seal in her costume and she would scare the other swimmers. A then laughed as did DD. The mum shouted you had better not be laughing B. B said that she wasn't. The mum said good because it wasn't funny and she would be grounded if she laughed. A said sorry it was just a joke her mum says. The mum ignored her and then changed the subject.

Apparently as well as all that the parents were really spoiling B and B was playing up to it. They were insisting that B won every game and when she didn't win they were told they couldn't play it anymore.

DD has come home and said she doesn't want to go there again. She is happy for B to come here but she doesn't like Bs parents and doesn't want to spend time with them.
As mum has text me saying that her DD has given her the same story and she wanted to check that they were both telling the truth as A doesn't want to go there again and her mum doesn't want her to go there anyway.

So would I be unreasonable not to send DD there again. And if they offer and she doesn't want to go should I be honest and tell them that we aren't comfortable with them or should we just lie or make excuses.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 23/07/2016 23:22

Say nothing - unless they invite her again (sounds like they hated the sleepover as much as the girls did - so hopefully it was the first and only invite).

If they invite her then either say she can't make the date or, if they are persistent, say that DD came home a bit upset last time so you and she would rather not.

mummymeister · 23/07/2016 23:22

You shouldn't be saying anything to the parents. nothing at all.

when your dd is asked if she wants to go on a sleepover with this girl then it is up to her to make the decision and communicate it. It has to be between the girls, not the parents.

and if the parents ask you directly then you need to say "oh I think dd has already said no, thanks for asking"

if she doesn't want to do it, then she has to take responsibility for that decision and you have to let her.

if the parents get involved in this then they will asking why and you are bound to say something about what happened. it then becomes a we says/she says argument between what the parents think happen and your daughters version of events. if they are really as hatstand as she describes them do you really want to get yourself embroiled in this.

keep it short and keep it polite and support your daughter in the choices that she has made.

Doinmummy · 23/07/2016 23:22

Is just say that DD has decided she doesn't like sleep overs and leave it at that .

ghostspirit · 23/07/2016 23:22

your daughter does not want to go so she does not have to. The parents are doing their daughter no favours by doing what they do.. the daughter will end up isolated from friends if they carry on like that. and pressuring about the kids paying for their meals. wtf unless they had discussed things with parents of the children about money needed and where they were going ect. and to put it on to a child that the day would be ruined because she did not ahve the money to pay for her meal. wtf... it was almost like the parents were bullying the girls

PerspicaciaTick · 23/07/2016 23:24

And I can't believe that you wrote that huge long OP so as not to dripfeed but failed to mention the fact that you can't make this decision on your own because you are a man Hmm

KirstyJC · 23/07/2016 23:25

Just say no thanks when and if they ever ask. If they push to know why and you really can't tell them just say you don't want her to go and that's that.

mummymeister · 23/07/2016 23:25

girls at 10 and then again in year 8 at senior school are a bit of a nightmare where friendship groups are concerned. there seems to be so much falling in and falling out and perceived dramas. one day its this girl they don't like, next day they have to go and get her a birthday gift because she is the most special friend and so on. it does calm down eventually but the dramas whilst they are happening can be truly epic.

you have got to learn to stand aside. don't prempt the sleep over offer. the parents might have thought better of it now themselves.

kurlique · 23/07/2016 23:26

Crikey, don't make her go again, they sound awful! My DD begged not to go round to a friend's house again just for tea and got so upset that I cancelled the play date (the mum had rung and I had said yes straight away to the invite... More fool me!). It turned out that she had had to sit and finish her whole meal last time she was there... Now I am not one for waste but if the child has not chosen the amount on their plate then I don't agree that they should be obliged to eat all, that's asking for all sorts of food-related issues in the future... DD loathed cabbage and she had to sit there and eat it all including a pile of cabbage before she was allowed to get down from the table. I cancelled (though I never did talk to the mum about it, I knew her quite well and it would have been futile!) and she never went there on a play date again, though she did go to a birthday party... Safety in numbers and other mummies around meant rules were relaxed!! A plate of cabbage is nothing in comparison with what your daughter and her friend A had to endure so I would wholeheartedly urge you to support the girls and get them out of having to go through that again! Poor B having parents like that.

Canyouforgiveher · 23/07/2016 23:27

Just say "oh so sorry that date doesn't work" or "no, not that date either, thanks for asking".

You don't need to say she doesn't like sleepovers - just that none of the times/dates work for you. Full stop. no further questions. Just a smile.

You can't make your child go and sleep over somewhere she doesn't want to go. Well, maybe you could but you certainly shouldn't.

ayeokthen · 23/07/2016 23:27

The parents sound horrendous! Who asks kids to stay over and then expects them to pay for their own meals? It'd be like saying "well you can leave 50p for your coco pops/organic muffin/whatever crap you had for breakfast". Just don't send her again, maybe see if B can come to yours instead?

Jghl1234 · 23/07/2016 23:27

They sound horrid..asswholes...don't send her again and be straight with them to maybe they to learn not to be idiots towards children xx

Original poster
IlikeCluedo · 23/07/2016 23:28

I didn't say I couldn't make a decision because I was a man. My gender isn't relevant.
I'm just trying to work out what to do and how to handle the parents.

OP posts:
Sara107 · 23/07/2016 23:29

Don't say anything, they may not invite her again. If they do, just say no. You don't really have to give any reason at all unless they ask directly. In which case you can either be honest and say the child hated it last time, or a bit vague and say that it just doesn't suit at the moment. But don't send her back there if she doesn't want to go.

thescruffiestgiantintown · 23/07/2016 23:30

I had a friend at primary school whose house I felt massively uncomfortable at. I went for one sleepover and never again - I just refused invitations from the girl myself. We stayed friends regardless.

Mummyme1987 · 23/07/2016 23:36

It's very odd behaviour from the parents. Just say no next time. No is a complete sentence as they say on MN!

ayeokthen · 23/07/2016 23:37

I'd advise just dodging the parents as and when required, just come up with excuses. You know your dd doesn't want to go, so that's a decision made. They sound like arse holes anyway.

kurlique · 23/07/2016 23:45

As for talking to the parents... I wouldn't go there unless I absolutely had to. The girls presumably are going into Yr6 and only have a year before changing schools and that can completely shift friendships anyway so if the girls are happy in their gang of three for now I would keep quiet and if another offer comes along just come up with some vague excuse for turning it down... Though I suspect they may not want to have them to stay again anyway having had to tut at them so much.Wink

FiveFullFathoms · 23/07/2016 23:54

Your DD didn't have a nice time, so no she shouldn't go there again if she doesn't want to. It's perfectly possible for girls to maintain good friendships without sleepovers (though presumably our DD would be OK with her friend coming to yours). You don't have to confront the parents - just politely decline invitations to sleepovers from now on.

BeautifulMaudOHara · 23/07/2016 23:54

God they sound HORRIBLE and shouldn't be treating 10 yos ( or anyone) like this

I'd respect dd's wishes and just make excuses

RB68 · 23/07/2016 23:55

I think with these situations play it down if they ask again, don't lie but dont say yes so the answer is no. If you want to have the girls for sleepovers do it.

One of my DD friends doesn't do sleep overs elsewhere and originally was a bit upset by sleepovers at hers too - change of routine etc. Each kid to their own and some can do it and some can't.

I would also make it clear that DD can text or whats ap me with her phone if there is an issue to sort and I will go and get her if necessary

Liz09 · 23/07/2016 23:58

Shit no. I wouldn't send my child there again based on what they'd told me alone.

I agree with others who've said to just dodge the parents until they ask you directly about it. Then I'd make up a reason why she can't go their place at that time, or just say that she's no longer comfortable with sleeping over at someone's house but is happy to have friend B come for a sleepover at your house. This isn't implausible, as I went through a homesickness phase at around the same age as your daughter and wouldn't sleep over at any non-family member's house. Prior to that, I was fine, and once I got into my late teens etc. I was fine again, but there was a several year period where I didn't like it.

If they question why she'll still stay at friend A's house, you can just say that she's been staying there for years and they are like family to her, so she's comfortable with it.

TheJediSmurf · 23/07/2016 23:59

Yikes! They sound a bit odd if you ask me. Don't send your dd back there! No way! I know different people have different parenting techniques but seriously? Hmm strange ....

Udderz · 24/07/2016 00:01

You can always tell them that your DD prefers being at home and ask if B wants to come to yours instead?

I think it's fine for your DD to try new foods. Better to widen her pallet. B's parents sound bloody awful though. Really unkind. Asking them to pay for meals is fine if they are skint but it's probably best to make arrangements pre trip

Alasalas2 · 24/07/2016 00:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alasalas2 · 24/07/2016 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.